S5 E3 Blooming Amidst the War - Pt 1 (Alina Zievakova)

Episode Summary

Imagine having a silent witness, a partner who is with you all the time, even when you go through the hardest moments of your life. Imagine not being alone but instead being held, accompanied, supported. What might that feel like in your heart, in your body, in your bones? (This is part 1 of a 2-part interview with Alina Zievakova of ProEnglish Theatre of Ukraine.)

Episode Resources

→ Blooming - Watch the Performance (47:49)
https://www.scenesaver.co.uk/production/bloom-in-violence/
(Registration is free and only takes a few minutes)

→ Part 2 of This Interview: https://ever-changing.net/episodes/s5-e4-blooming-amidst-the-war-pt-2

Episodes by Topic

→ Episodes on Rites of Passage: https://ever-changing.net/rites-of-passage 

→ Episodes on Authentic Weddings: https://ever-changing.net/authentic-weddings 

→ Episodes on Grief & Loss: https://ever-changing.net/grief-loss 

→ Episodes on Challenging Times: https://ever-changing.net/challenging-times 

 

Support the Show

→ Subscribe In Your Favorite Player: https://kite.link/shamepinata 

→ Rate & Review: https://ever-changing.net/rate-sp 

 

About the Show

Shame Piñata is hosted by Ritual Artist Colleen Thomas, a Certified Meditation and Mindfulness teacher who helps people make sense of life through ceremony. Music by Terry Hughes.

 

Listen If

→ You’re feeling stuck

→ You’re going through a tough time

→ Something significant has happened and no one gets it


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Full Transcript

Zievakova: This character is always there, is always ready to support or to connect or to offer a different way. And we believe that is one of the most important messages in the whole performance, is that even when you're alone, you are not. 

Imagine having a silent witness, a partner who is with you all the time, even when you go through the hardest moments of your life. Imagine not being alone but instead being held, accompanied, supported. What might that feel like in your heart, in your body, in your bones?

This is Shame Piñata. I’m Colleen Thomas. Welcome to Shame Piñata, where we talk about creating rites of passage for real-life transitions. Today we have a treat for you. Today we are joined by Alina Zievakova, a film and theatre actress and acting coach. Alina will be speaking with us about her work with ProEnglish Theatre of Ukraine, an independent, English-Speaking, safe theatre in Kyiv - safe because it is located in the basement where there is more protection from russian missiles and drones. 

Alina is here to speak with us about the war, but in a very hopeful way. She will be walking us through the experience of birthing a unique theater production called Blooming. Blooming is a powerful work that traces the path of healing after violence, finding the way back home to self after trauma. It’s an important work that I’ve had the honor to watch - and you can too.

This is the first of two episodes where Alina will be with us. Today she will take us behind the scenes as the three female creators connected with their intuition to organically allow Blooming to come to life. We will learn how the piece has grown and changed over time. And we will explore the fundamental rites of passage we see happen in the show. We’ll go now to my interview with Alina, which got off to a bumpy start when I realized I had neglected to press the record button.

Thomas: So it is amazing to get to have an hour with you!

Zievakova: Likewise.

Thomas: And I… I've really been wanting to know more about this performance. When I watched it, I was touched by how many layers and depth it had, how many colors, how many textures, how much truth…. It just really blew me away and I'm curious, how did it come to be in the world?

Zievakova: Thank you so much for your perception, which is so deep and soulful rich. And yes, it would be a pleasure for me to share. So the show is called Blooming and originally it actually was called Bloom In Violence, but we will get to the point where we decided to change the name. And it is created by three women, which is Anabell Ramirez, who is the director of the show, Jasmine Sotelo, who is my partner on stage (she's a choreographer and dancer), and myself. So we have been together as colleagues in a place that is called ProEnglish Theatre that is situated in a basement in Kyiv. And this is where we… well, we… me and and Anabell and my other colleagues ended up being, starting from the 24th of February of 2022, to the beginning of the full-scale invasion of russian federation to Ukraine. And both me and Anabell started doing whatever we can volunteering and subsequently working as fixers - which is a kind of a field producer who is accompanying foreign journalists. And we have been going to different locations to document war crimes, and one of them being the violence and specifically gender-based violence. And we've felt both of us very strongly that there is something we should do with all of this knowledge with all these stories that women have shared with us. And we have been exploring different options, but at the end of the day, without like, theater being our main thing in life is the strongest instrument we have. So we decided to create a performance about it.

Thomas: Wow, that is incredibly powerful. And in a strange way, it kind of mirrors, in a tiny way what I was doing, which was watching things from here and being especially drawn to stories of gender-based violence, and then figuring out what is my strongest thing? That's how that one meditation series, Everyday Magic for Ukraine, came to be. Because it seems in some respects, like, “How could this possibly help?” But then “Well, this is my thing. This is where I resonate. This is where I shine. This is what I can do.”

Zievakova: Absolutely. And thank you so much for those projects. They're incredible. 

Thomas: Thank you. So can you tell us more about the creation process?

Zievakova: Sure. [LAUGHS] It's a bit non-traditional, I would say, since we are, all three of us are non-traditional. First of all, it happened so that both Anabell’s direction in her art and my direction in my art coincided in desire to step out from the traditional theater of the classical way of seeing things. And Jasmine being the choreographer and the… her language is body… also fit perfectly into our trio. So yeah, we… Our first meeting was just a conversation where we pretty much decided what is the most important message that we would like to convey… or messages… through the performance. And here comes the non-traditional no thing. So this might sound silly, and unfortunately, in the… at least in Ukraine, what I'm seeing… the notion of tarot cards is very stigmatized and very… is associated with something… fraud, or something icky. Whereas we see a lot of archetypical and depth and knowledge in that, therefore, we picked up a deck of tarot cards. And we decided to kind of lay a passage, a journey, through which the main characters go throughout this performance, exploring different emotions in different states of a person who has experienced violence. And it gave us the… also broader and deeper understanding of things that we can include into each of those steps. 

Thomas: Wow.

Zievakova: Yeah, and interesting that when we started, we didn't have any text. So we went absolutely intuitively out of what we have felt, and we started creating a lot of physical aspects of the performance. Because as you can see, if you watch it, it is a lot of visual aspects of this performance. So it is lights and blocking and physical work of our bodies. And only then when you know, there was a fertile soil of that base that we have laid this way. We started picking the texts that naturally flew into this already created flow, which has been the text from a book called “Daughter” from Tamara Horicha Zernia who is a Ukrainian writer, and also personal testimonies.

Thomas: So it started with the body and the intuition. 

Zievakova: Yeah. 

Thomas: Yeah, it has such a strong, embodied feel. It kind of feels like since there are so few words... that it opens it up so that each of us can experience it in our own way, even more than if they were words. Does that make sense? 

Zievakova: Yes, absolutely, absolutely! It gives more metaphorical meanings that can be interpreted by everyone. Therefore, that is what's crucial for us that even though it is a show created by women, based on a book written by woman, it's still for us, it isn't important that it's universal. It is for anyone who has gone through trauma or through violence. And that is, luckily, what we have managed to achieve according to the feedback that we have gotten through different audiences.

So now you have a sense of how the show came to life. But that was only the beginning, only the beginning of a true journey. 

Zievakova: It was born in Kyiv. We performed it in June of 2022 and then it started its journey abroad, since we have been traveling and touring with it throughout different countries. So we've been to Italy, Poland, Denmark, Sweden with it, and we continue to plan. So our next stop will be Prague good this spring and… Well, first of all, we changed the name, the name was Bloom in Violence at the beginning, because again, the atmosphere in which we created, it was absolutely different than the atmosphere is, is now in Ukraine, for example. And the violence, the level of it in the air was visceral. You could feel it, you could touch it almost. And that's why it was so crucial for us to put a balancing aspect to even it out, to give a passage, to give an opportunity for people who have gone through such a horrible experience in their life to at least have a notion that there is a way. And it is absolutely individual for everyone, but here we are with some options for you. And therefore Blooming it was you know, this almost as heart-beating word to, to balance it out. But then as the time passed, and the atmosphere here changes drastically, atmosphere when you traveled changes and affects your perception. And therefore, after our tour to Denmark, when we came back, we decided that how the show was developing… Because it also it is, you know, it is an entity of itself. It grows with us, it develops with us, and we trust it, we listen to it. And therefore, it felt like violence has no place even in the name of the show, therefore, we left only Blooming.

Thomas: That's, that's so wonderful that you're letting it be a being and growing and breathing and telling you how it's changing. That's beautiful. How has it been for you… How many performances have you had? And how has it been for you as you've gone through all of those, like, the trajectory?

Zievakova: I think we had around 16. It's been different every time. It also… every time since it's a live performance, a theater performance, it depends on the audience, because they also are co creators with us. And at some point in the beginning, that's also something that has changed. We have been incorporating audience members at the end. We are inviting them on the stage and we are offering them crowns and flowers as this common ritual that we share as… as they are also characters of the show equally as me and Jasmine. And recently, we've also changed it, this summer. Because it also felt that even though it was a very powerful moment, and again at the moment it felt right. But recently we have discovered that we don't need even to bring people to the stage. We are entering the audience and we are sitting with them and giving them flowers and just sharing the space, you know? So, there is no pressure for people even in that regard to come out of the stage, because it also can be stressful and people usually are, you know, not so comfortable on the stage in general. So that is something that we have applied as well.

Thomas: Wow. Have there been any moments that you can share that have been especially powerful with relating to the audience?

Zievakova: Definitely. Well, there is another important aspect to mention before I go there. So usually we don't only perform this show, but we combine it as experience with a workshop that we're bringing. And the workshop is called RAW. It's abbreviation for Relief Acting Workshop, it's a workshop that I have created. Again, starting from the full-scale invasion. It's basically a training based on breathing techniques, meditation techniques, acting techniques, body movement techniques that we are… we have been offering in ProEnglish since the spring of 2022. And it is targeted to offer people the place to breathe out, to relief in any way that connects to them personally. And we have been cooperating with different organizations to offer and target it to different groups. For example, displaced people, refugees, military, cadets, military students, veterans, women, men, and family members of people whose husbands or brothers or sisters or mothers are in the military, in the service. So we usually, especially when we travel, but here as well in Kyiv, we have it as a workshop, first two hours. And after the workshops, it's like, final touch is the performance. So the person has, you know, this journey of their own as well. And it feels more personal for them. And when we were doing this in Poland, in one of the cities because we had a tour, there was a woman who's actually Ukrainian, she… she's a refugee there. And she came, and she attended the workshop. And then she attended the performance. And she approached us and she said that this event changed her life. And she… she said that, even though it sounds very, you know, fundamental and maybe too loud, but at the same time, she felt like it was something crucial that she needed to, to grasp in order to go on with her life. And, you know, stories like that - at least one story like that makes you sure that what you do is needed, is crucial to share. Especially in in this kind of way through art, when it is applicable, let's say to different people.

Thomas: That's wonderful that she was able… that she felt comfortable enough to tell you that because there may be people who felt that way who didn't actually tell you, right?

Zievakova: Right. Right

Thomas: Wow. And I didn't know you were doing it at the end of the workshop. That really paints a different picture for me, because I know how powerful it can be to get people together out of their regular routine, more into their bodies than normal, creating community… Being in bodies in a community in a safe place, can really open people up, bring a sense of safety that allow the hearts to open and then to have something once that space has been created… at the end of that it… I know it can be very, very powerful. So that's amazing.

Zievakova: Thank you. Yeah, definitely it makes all the difference in the world.

Thomas: Yeah. Have you ever done the show without the workshop?

Zievakova: Yes, we have. Because we adjust to circumstances and especially when we travel, we are not always able to control everything how it goes. So in some venues were not able… or some venues are not suited for workshops. So then we just have it also after the show, it is mandatory for us to have a discussion. So people who want to leave can leave and again, you know, digest and process in… on their own but people who want to share, there is this opportunity of creating the community in a discussion in Q&A in still an exchange you know, so there is a closure.

Thomas: Yes. Yes. That's wonderful. That's… that's really important too, right? Because there's an opening of the heart watching… I wish I had had that. Although I suppose I'm having it now with you. To get to, sort of, process everything that came up because it is such a heart-opening experience watching it.

[MUSIC]

Thomas: I want to go back for a second to when you said you're working with the tarot cards, just… I'm just curious. When you were working with them, were you like, looking through the tarot cards and kind of picking the ones that felt right that matched the journey you were thinking might be there? Or were you letting them fall out of the deck? Or did you reading? Or how did you interact with them?

Zievakova: I love that we're talking about this, thank you so much. I really want, to you know, to give honor to this and to be on that side that protects it protects its true meaning. So we chose, we took out the higher arcanes and we only worked with those. And kind of… we took turns each one of us out of three, to… having them all in front of us pick… seeing them, pick the ones that resonate the most when we talk about this performance. And we kind of, each one of us, built their own picture out of this higher arcanes. And we discussed again, then comparing all three and kind of combining them into one common passage, we decided what are the most strong ones that speak to us that we can use whenever addressing each element of the performance or each stage of the performance.

Thomas: Wow, that's so cool. I'm seeing the three of you now and then there's that powerful symbolism of the three women doing this work, right?

Zievakova: Yeah, definitely. Definitely. 

Isn’t that cool? I mean, that’s my type of theater production. Where intuition and archetypes are welcome. Where the story evolves on its own through deep listening and collaboration. I don’t want to give too much away about the performance before you’ve had a chance to see it,  but I will tell you that in Blooming, we see a woman going on a journey that has many phases and many colors. She often has a silent companion with her who has a bit of an ethereal quality. As Alina said, most of the content is delivered through movement and sound, and music and lighting. There are very few words, which allows the actions to become even more noticeable. One scene that stood out for me was when this mysterious companion took out a tube of red lipstick and began drawing symbols on the wrist of the main character. 

Thomas: Since Shame Piñata is all about rites of passage, I have to ask you a little bit more about rites of passage, I felt like that part where she was drawing those symbols on the arm of your character, that that really resonated for me as a beautiful rite of passage. And one that was… just felt like a rite of passage for me to get to watch it, right? That's the way theater can be. And… were there other aspects of the show that were a rite of passage that I might have missed?

Zievakova: Well, I guess it has several of them, because we do explore a whole journey. So we start when the main character is, you know, in this very light and infantile stage of her life, when everything is …light, yeah, I guess that would be the most appropriate word for it. But then whenever circumstances change, or events enter her life, she adjusts. But at the same time, there is the second character, the one that Jasmine plays who represents for us, well, it can represent so many things. And that's why we prefer not to give it a specific name. It can be nature, it can be intuition, it can be something that we cannot name, something present… presence. And this character is always there, is always ready to support or to connect, or to offer a different way. And we believe that is one of the most important messages in the whole performance is that even when you're alone, you are not. There is some so much in that second character again, who at the same time represents the Ancestors and the whole crowd of people being in one. And that's why she does the initiation. That's why she draws on my hand and on my eyes, and she shows me the way. She also interacts with the audience and, you know…in regards of rites of passage, that is what felt right to us at the moment of this unity in one. 

Thomas: Yeah, and I love that description of her. I was trying to decide - who is she? At first I was waiting for her to speak. I thought she was just a person who was with you. She's also in the role of the witness, right? Which is such a sacred thing…

Zievakova: Absolutely. Yes, and you're right in. That's how… that's why that's why it's so up to interpretation. And in some moments of the performance, she does represent another person in the room with me. And she is a witness, which is such a precise word that you have chosen because that's what we were doing. We were witnessing other stories at the beginning in spring of 2022, and it was very important for us to give them proper dignity and proper way and rite of passage, actually, to transform it to, transcend it above of the physical reality.

Thomas: Yeah. So how can people see the show?

Zievakova: There is a website, a platform that is called Scenesaver, and you can register, it's absolutely free and it takes just a couple of minutes. And you can watch this show and many, many other shows. It's a great platform that offers a online theater experience. And also, we are touring. So maybe at some point, we'll end up in the US, hopefully. And yeah, we are looking forward every time to a new location, since the experience is different, the cultural differences, in fact the perception of the show, and it is also very valuable this international experience.

Alina will be back with us next time to explore the cultural differences the team noticed as they took Blooming on tour throughout Europe, to highlight some of the uniquely Ukrainian symbolism within the show, and to share some of the feedback the team received from survivors who attended.

In the meantime, I highly encourage you to check out the performance linked in the show notes and consider supporting the Relief Acting Workshops for the National Guard of Ukraine. These Relief Acting Workshops are ongoing so you can support them no matter when you are listening to this episode.

Alina Zievakova is a film and theatre actress and acting coach from Ukraine. Before February 24th 2022, she was dedicated to a career on the screen, premiering as a female lead in the film "Rhino" at the Venice Film Festival. However, during the russian full-scale war in Ukraine, she has mainly been acting in socially-relevant theatre pieces and adapting her acting coaching for stress-relief workshops. 

Our music is by Terry Hughes. Find us on YouTube, IG and X at shamepinata. Reach us through our website, shamepinata.com. And subscribe to the show on your favorite player. Also be sure to check out our new 10-part series 10 Minutes for Your Heart, Meditations for Ukrainians. I’m Colleen Thomas. Thanks for listening.

P.S. Get up to 2 months of free podcasting service with Libsyn. Check out the show notes for your promo code to get started podcasting today.

S4 E3 There Must Be Something Wrong (Sheryl Paul) [Remastered]

Episode Summary

Today we revisit one of our most popular episodes, an early interview with Sheryl Paul, author of "The Conscious Bride". Sheryl's work allows us to reflect on how the pain, grief, discomfort, and vulnerability that can arise throughout the wedding process can actually be doorways into joy if we are willing to let them in.

Episode Resources

→ Sheryl Paul: https://conscious-transitions.com/

→ The Conscious Bride: https://conscious-transitions.com/books/

→ Shelter in Place Podcast: https://shelterinplacepodcast.org/

Episodes by Topic

→ Episodes on Rites of Passage: https://ever-changing.net/rites-of-passage 

→ Episodes on Authentic Weddings: https://ever-changing.net/authentic-weddings 

→ Episodes on Grief & Loss: https://ever-changing.net/grief-loss 

→ Episodes on Challenging Times: https://ever-changing.net/challenging-times 

 

Support the Show

→ Subscribe In Your Favorite Player: https://kite.link/shamepinata 

→ Rate & Review: https://ever-changing.net/rate-sp 

 

About the Show

Shame Piñata is hosted by Ritual Artist Colleen Thomas, a Certified Meditation and Mindfulness teacher who helps people make sense of life through ceremony. Music by Terry Hughes.

 

Listen If

→ You’re feeling stuck

→ You’re going through a tough time

→ Something significant has happened and no one gets it


Love Shame Piñata?
Subscribe on iTunes | Follow on Spotify
Follow on Instagram | Connect on Facebook
Join us for a Ceremony | Follow on Podchaser


 
 

Full Transcript

Paul: I'm always interested in what's not being talked about what people are experiencing, but are trying to stuff away, trying to sequester, trying to sweep into the corner under the rug... when all that does is create shame and all that does is create anxiety.

Sheryl Paul has a unique ability to see the invisible, to see what has been silenced. Her book "The Conscious Bride" has been helping couples prepare for marriage for 20 years - and prepare in a very specific way. Her work helps couples create room for all of the emotions that come with transition, not just the picture perfect ones. Funny thing is, that allows for even more joy. Join me for a conversation with Sheryl Paul.

This is Shame Piñata. I’m Colleen Thomas. Welcome to Shame Piñata, where we talk about creating rites of passage for real-life transitions. When I got engaged six years ago, a good friend of mine gave me a book called "The Conscious Bride". Now, I'm not a reader, as my husband will tell you, but I devoured this book. I loved it because it touched on the shadow, the stuff we don't talk about, the stuff that gets in our way when we want to feel one way but actually feel a myriad of other ways all at the same time. It named the shadow that hovers over the wedding: the attachment, the fear, the uncertainty, the hidden power-struggles and the grief that lies beneath them, and that a big part of stepping into a new life is letting go of the old one - and not just for the couple. The Conscious Bride gave me permission to feel all the ways, and it helped me create room for everyone else to feel all the ways too, so ultimately, we could all process the transition without getting into weird fights about random things. I was so happy to have a chance to speak with Sheryl Paul. 

Thomas: So what led you to write this book?

Paul: So, I was in a master's program around that time. I was at Pacifica Graduate Institute in Santa Barbara, which I don't know if you're familiar with, but it has a very strong Jungian focus. And I had always been interested in rites of passages and I had a deep sense that there was a lot that was not being talked about around the wedding. And I started to interview women and I did a lot of interviews, especially when it came time to write the book, which came from my master's thesis. So it started out as as a thesis and then evolve into a book. And I started to see that there was a big gap in the cultural conversation around around transitions in general. All transitions are bypassed and overlooked, but particularly the wedding and then in particular, how much focus there is on the joy and the perfection and everything has to be blissful and ecstatic from the moment of the proposal into the first year of the wedding, and there was just no conversation happening about the shadow, about the death experience, about what women (and men) are actually experiencing quite a bit of a time. And, you know, the more I researched and the more I looked and the more I spoke, the more it became quite clear to me that just that again, that there was a real gap in the conversation around this pivotal rite of passage, one of our few ceremonies that we still invoke in the culture. And yet it's done in such a way where we really gloss over the element of a transition, of the reality that when you are in transition, you are in a death experience, you are in a liminal zone, you are between identities, you are letting go, you are grieving. And we only expect people to feel joyful. It creates a lot of anxiety and it creates even more chaos than there naturally would be around an event like this. Because I'm feeling sad, because I have a sense of loss, because I feel like a part of me is dying, because I'm not over-the-moon ecstatic... something must be wrong with me, or with my partner, or with the decision to get married - something's wrong. And it's an incredibly deep sigh of relief to the soul to know that nothing is wrong. In fact, the more you let those difficult feelings in, the more you will open to the joy; that the pain and the grief and the discomfort and vulnerability are the doorways into the joy, into what we are expected to see all and into what we hope to feel. And what I started to say earlier was that that the wedding more than any other transition, I think, has (probably being pregnant becoming a mother comes close) carries a very strong cultural expectation of unilateral joy and it is supported in a big way by the wedding industry that sells perfection and sells joy. So it's a it's very big money behind selling us the bill of goods by selling us this message that you are supposed to be joyful and the way to do that is to create a perfect event.

Thomas: How do you work with someone if they're just starting to realize that they don't have to only feel joyful?

Paul: So, I tell them to read my book. And, you know, it's really the first part it's about re educating people to understand all of the normal and necessary feelings that accompany this transition. And once they understand that everything they're feeling is normal and necessary, they can start to let it in and and feel it, feel the grief, feel the loss, feel the vulnerability, feel the loneliness. These are all normal feelings that accompany transitions. So once we give ourselves permission to feel without that overlay of "because I'm feeling this it means there's something wrong" everything changes from there. We don't then have to misassign meaning to the feelings and to think, "Because I'm feeling sad, it means I'm making mistake." No, it has nothing to do with that. You're feeling sad because you are in a rite of passage. You're feeling sad because you are in the death experience, letting go of this identity, this primary identity as single person, as daughter, and shifting into an entirely new stage of life, a new identity. And there is no way to go through that without feeling grief.

Thomas: You spend a good portion of the book talking about how the bride is separating from the father/father figure and the mother/mother figure and the friends. Can you say more about that process?

Paul: Yes, so it can go a few different ways. If the bride is very close to her father, that's one set of emotions and experiences where there is tends to be a lot of grief, a lot of crying, really good, medicinal, necessary crying to make that separation process... and to make it more effective to make it more complete to make it more conscious. Again, in the naming, to say, I am separating from my dad, I am no longer going to be... Yes, I'm his daughter, but not in the same way, not as my primary identity. That my new partner is going to be number one and I'm transferring allegiance. So, that's one example of one way that it can go if if someone's very close to their father. If somebody doesn't have a close relationship with their father or there is no father figure in their life, that's a different kind of grief of the loss of not having had that or never having had that. The same as somebody has passed away. If somebody who's getting married and their mother's no longer alive. You know, that's, that's one way that grief can come through, as opposed to a mother who is very much alive and very much involved. And then there's a separation. There's… there's a loosening of cords that is required. 

Thomas: I'm curious as you're speaking how this applies, I'm sure it's very different, but how it applies to folks who were older when they get married, or maybe a second marriage.

Paul: It can be different, it can be similar. It depends. It depends on a lot of factors. But regardless of the age, especially if it's a first marriage and you're getting married at 40, you're still letting go of a massive identity. And in some ways, it's even more of a letting go because of all of those years that you spent as a non-married person. And so there's a lot of grieving, a lot of shedding of the independence, the separateness, all of the control that you have when you are a non-married person, that every inch of your life is your own: your home, your space, how you spend your time, how you organize your weekend, it's all yours. And so that is its own massive death experience for somebody who marries later, you know, and who has had that many more years than someone who's 22 if you're 42, that's a lot of years of being the sole architect of your life.

Thomas: So you work with people around transitions, all kinds of transitions now, and I'm curious if ceremony plays a part in that with them.

Paul: I'm a big fan of ceremony. Because my work is largely over the internet. I'm not the one doing the ceremony with them. I would love to be that person, but I'm not. But I always encourage people to create ceremony and create rituals. And so, you know, if it's somebody getting married... and I've had a lot more men come my way, by the way, since I wrote The Conscious Bride. And I'm thinking of some right now who are in one of my small coaching groups. And he's getting married on Saturday, and I won't, I won't share the specifics, but it's... because it's his story. But it's really beautiful to witness men in their transitional process and the rituals that they come up with because I encourage people to find their own rituals that are meaningful to them. Ways to acknowledge the end of you know, in his sake, his bachelorhood that that time in his life is over. And so he has been sharing these incredibly potent rituals that have come to him for ways of recognizing that that time in his life is over. And what ritual does is, as you know, is it, it concretizes, it makes it and embodies what's happening, so that it brings it out of just that realm of talking about it and it sends it into a realm that we can't see with our five senses, but very much exists and yet calls on the five senses to help transmute the experience into another form. And so rituals help us cross over that sometimes very scary divide that just looks like a big, cavernous, empty space, crossing from one identity to a new identity, from one stage of life to the next. And without the rituals we are... we're pretty lost and so, you know, again, as I, as I said earlier, the wedding is one of the few ceremonies that we have, which comes with ritual. A lot of people tend to minimize or diminish the ceremonial aspect because they're so focused on the party and the reception, you know, that's where all of the energy goes. When really, it's the ceremony that has so much power to carry us over the divide between one stage and the next.

Thomas: And that's something I'm trying to encourage and put seeds out in the world for as well, that people take that the ritual, the ceremony of the marriage, the wedding and they, they feel free to do it their way so that it's powerful and is as powerful and meaningful for the couple as possible.

Paul: Yes, yes! And I think we are at this extraordinary time in our world where we have freedom to do that, where we are breaking out of the traditions that have gone stale and revitalizing them with personal meaning of what is meaningful for you. And there may be long-standing time-honored traditions that are still meaningful. And I'm by no means one to throw everything out that we've come from, because many of those rituals are gorgeous and meaningful - but only if they're meaningful for the individual, right? Only if they land in a place where something inside of you says yes, right? That helps me, that bolsters me, that comforts me. Right? So, you know, whether it's at a Jewish wedding standing under the Chuppah, you know, it's just this beautiful symbol of, of our new home and and this, you know, long standing tradition... if that's meaningful to somebody great. If it's not, then it really.. it's not going to do anything for you on a spiritual level.

I shared with Sheryl that before my wedding, I created a self-commitment ceremony for myself. And in that ceremony I presenced all of my Ancestral grandmothers with the acknowledgement of how important marriage might have been for them, how much of a survival tool. I did this because women’s  standing in society has evolved so much even since my mother's generation, but yet we are still connected to our Ancestral legacy and felt like a really important thing to me. 

Paul: That's incredibly beautiful that you did that and so powerful and it's probably the number one fear that comes up for women that I'm working with in their pre-wedding time in their engagement, is the fear of what does marriage mean? And does it mean that I am beholden to this person now and I lose all sense of self and I become boring and frumpy and... This is the legacy. This is what we've been handed, right? This is what it has meant for thousands and thousands of years is that for women, marriage has meant really the death of self: I exist, to take care of the man and to take care of the children and that's it. And so there's this very deep ancestral legacy that we have to consciously break with and recognize that we are so lucky and we are so blessed to be on this new threshold, that we get to redefine what marriage means for us. And we only can really know that after we've taken the leap, because on the other side, on the first side, on the engagement side, it just all looks and sounds so scary to most women. And you know, that's why I have so many exercises in The Conscious Bride, more-so I think in The Conscious Bride's Wedding Planner, on what does it mean to be a wife? What does that mean to you? What does the word wife connote? When you think of wife, what is the connotation for you? And it's very rare that someone's going to say, "Oh, I see this rad, sexy woman, you know, like, doing like, the dance on the rooftops." Like, no, that's not usually what we think of when we hear the word wife. But it could be. More and more we are redefining that. And we are seeing that. And so I tell people, but look out into the world today and find those those models of marriage where you see a woman who is doing her life fully, you know, and yes, maybe she's also a mother and she's, you know, loves being married and she's fully committed to her path and and making her offerings, and doing her work in the world. Right? Separate from wife and mother. So, yeah, I love, I love that I love what you share. I love what you did. I think that is not only powerful, but essential on that ceremonial ritual level to recognize what we've come from.

Thomas: I'm just so happy and honored to have the chance to talk to you after, after all this time of really, really, really appreciating your book and your wisdom.

Paul: Yeah, thank you, Colleen.

It means a great deal to me to have the opportunity to share Sheryl's wisdom with you. I hope that you are able to use it or pass it along to a friend. Here's one final bit of wisdom, a quote from The Conscious Bride. "A marriage is a rite of passage no matter when it occurs, and the woman must still pass through the phases of her transformation. She must die, she must sit in the unknown, and then she will be reborn."

Sheryl Paul is the author of The Conscious Bride and The Conscious Bride's Wedding Planner. Her website contains a plethora of resources for addressing life transitions. Learn more about Sheryl and her work at https://conscious-transitions.com. Our music is by Terry Hughes. If you like the show, please take a minute to review it on Apple Podcasts. Learn more at shamepinata.com. I’m Colleen Thomas. Thanks for listening.

S2 E11 The Last Drive (Alicia Connor)

Episode Summary

Initiations come in all shapes and sizes, from graduating with a formal degree, to becoming a parent, to losing a parent. We can't control what experience the universe sends us, but we can meet each change with our full, honest selves. Alicia Connor inspires us with a story of taking a change and flowing with it on her own terms.

Episode Resources

 → Alicia Connor: https://www.aliciaconnor.com
 → Quick & Delish: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCT0DBT0dF_qEeiePwcxamMw

Episodes by Topic

→ Episodes on Rites of Passage: https://ever-changing.net/rites-of-passage 

→ Episodes on Authentic Weddings: https://ever-changing.net/authentic-weddings 

→ Episodes on Grief & Loss: https://ever-changing.net/grief-loss 

→ Episodes on Challenging Times: https://ever-changing.net/challenging-times 

 

Support the Show

→ Subscribe In Your Favorite Player: https://kite.link/shamepinata 

→ Rate & Review: https://ever-changing.net/rate-sp 

 

About the Show

Shame Piñata is hosted by Ritual Artist Colleen Thomas, a Certified Meditation and Mindfulness teacher who helps people make sense of life through ceremony. Music by Terry Hughes.

 

Listen If

→ You’re feeling stuck

→ You’re going through a tough time

→ Something significant has happened and no one gets it


Love Shame Piñata?
Subscribe on iTunes | Follow on Spotify
Follow on Instagram | Connect on Facebook
Join us for a Ceremony | Follow on Podchaser


 
 

Full Transcript

Connor: Like say if I'm traveling like in a car with somebody else. You know, they're driving, so I can't trust them. When are we going to go the bathroom? Where are we going to eat? Where are we going to get to drink something? So I just bring everything with me. It's not that I have trust issues, but I take care of myself. [LAUGHS]

Initiations come in all shapes and sizes. From graduating with a formal degree, to becoming a parent, to losing a parent. We can't control what experience the universe sends us, but we can meet each change with our full, honest selves. Alicia Connor inspires us with a story of taking a change and flowing with it on her own terms.

This is Shame Piñata. I’m Colleen Thomas. Welcome to Shame Piñata, where we talk about creating rites of passage for real-life transitions. Sometimes we see change coming and sometimes it's just kind of suddenly there. When it arrives without warning it can create a numbing, a blocking out, a wanting to turn away. This is so human. The cool thing is that as humans, we are incredibly adaptive and creative and often times we will take actions to find our center again without even realizing that's what we're doing. Like cutting our hair after a breakup. That could be conscious, that could be unconscious, but either way it's a step toward owning what's happening to us. Owning the change

Alicia Connor joins us today to share a story of going with the flow of life even when it flowed in a challenging direction. Alicia began to have some issues with her vision when she was 17. She saw some different health practitioners. They told her different things. Then, there was a diagnosis and a realization that things were going to change. 

Connor: I got glasses when I was 17 because that's when my vision loss started. But I didn't know it was this genetic thing that was going to actually cause vision loss, like ongoing. So when I was 17, I went to like, your average, eye store whatever, eye world in Boston, and I was getting this pair of glasses. And I remember the optometrist, he was like... he was like, do these do anything? Like, there was a sense... he was not confident that they did anything. It was basically like putting clean glass in front of my eyes. So like, a hair or two better, right? But I felt like, well, I'm driving, they help a little bit, so I should wear them, right? And like, what else? Like, am I... I didn't know that. I could say like, I don't think they do anything, because there was some difference. And he didn't seem to know enough to be like, "If they're only helping you a little bit, let's talk about that, and I could maybe like refer you to somebody else, or maybe you should see a like... somebody else". But there was definitely a lack of confidence in his voice that I remember, like his surprise. And then the reason why I went to the Rhode Island Eye Institute was after when I was 19, I went to get a second pair of glasses, because I was like you you're supposed to get new glasses every so and so whatever. Right? And you know, it seems like these aren't doing anything. And the optometrist that I went to at that time, she was hardcore. And she was like, "I don't know, I can't figure it out. I can't correct you. There's nothing I can do. I don't know what's going on." She called the Rhode Island Eye Institute right then and I was dilated, I was dilated... and I love it when people go out of their way and just go the next level, and she got me an appointment that day when I was dilated. 

Thomas: Oh, wow.

Connor: So I literally just walked 20-30 minutes to the place and then was tested.

The result of her test at the Rhode Island Eye Institute was a diagnosis of a genetic condition that would mean that her vision would decline over time and that someday she would need to stop driving. A short time after Alicia received the diagnosis, a sudden opportunity came up to really change things up in her life. It involved a long drive. A long drive that would ultimately become her last drive. 

Connor: I actually remember my last drive as like, like, an adventure, like it was fun. I was 19 and I just dropped out... A good friend of mine from that I knew since fourth grade was going to school in Western Massachusetts, and I was going to school in Providence, Rhode Island. But she asked me just before Thanksgiving that year if I would be interested in to move to San Francisco. And she was like, "Oh, by the way, I need to know in three days." So I was like, "Okay, I'm on it. I'm thinking, I'll get back to you." And I knew like when she says three days, then that means three days, it doesn't mean five. And I had mean some awesome connections in Providence, Rhode Island, but not enough to like ground me there. And there was enough challenging experiences that year to to not see like, like... a new chapter would be helpful at that time. And so I turned back and I told my friend after three days, "Yeah, let's do it!" So we set the date for January 1 we are going to leave the East Coast and start driving toward San Francisco. And what's interesting is around that time period, it was just that year, I had been diagnosed with hypoplasia of the optic nerve at the Rhode Island Eye Institute. And it was interesting that… it was… it was that year, right? Like I was diagnosed with this vision loss condition that was genetic, and told, like, I'm not gonna be able to drive someday but I didn't know when that was. And I could see well then and I could drive then and so it wasn't a problem at that moment, but it was an imminent problem. 

I'm not going to be able to drive someday. That's a huge thing. Most of us expect to stop driving in our 80's, not some significant time before that. As I listened to Alicia's story, I began to wonder if this drive, this last drive, was a kind of rite of passage. 

Connor: It just kind of is interesting, in hindsight, but looking back at the story that my life... that it was that year that I actually like, was there any thought on like my visual loss in like what I was going to do? Like, I have no idea maybe the subconscious was like, you gotta just do this because of the I don't know, who knows. We don't know what Alicia's spirit was thinking then, but I was decisive, which is really cool. And so yeah, so what was interesting was I was the one that rented the extension van, you know, not like a regular van, but like an extension van that could, like we could store both of our stuff in there. And I was literally taking everything I owned and she wasn't taking everything she owned because she had parents that could store stuff for her. And so that was also an interesting detail. Like, this is all of my stuff. So I picked up the truck in Providence, Rhode Island, and then I drove to Boston, by myself, picked her up, and then we went to like, New Year's Eve party. And then the morning of, we hit the road. And we took… because she… my friend had a couple friends she wanted to visit along the way. So we took, like this really weird route.

They went to Memphis and hung out with Elvis's stuff in Graceland, through Kansas and Colorado, switching off driving the whole time. And then they got to Utah. 

Connor: ...and when I was driving in Utah I just started crying. And when I was like packing and everything in Rhode Island and I like had to you know give notice in my apartment, I had to give notice my job, I had to drop out of school...

Thomas: Wow, so much!

Connor: Yeah, and like get rid of stuff and, "Okay, do I really want this?" I get rid of all these things. And I had to get my cat, the cat that I grew up with, I had when I was in Providence for like, I don't know, three quarters of the time, and I had to give that cat to my mom and... there was just a couple details. Basically, I didn't figure out that I had done something really big and like I was in huge transition, right, until I got to Utah. There was a delayed response and this is, you know, this was kind of common for me in terms of emotions. I'm more of an observer, or was more of an observer as a kid and a younger adult, or... in terms of my younger years. And so it made sense that it I was like, all of a sudden, like, "Oh, my gosh!" And so my friend was like, "You got to pull over." And it happened to be in this part of the highway where it's not ideal to pull over, but she was like, "Pull over. You have to like... we have no choice." So we pulled over and then we sat on the curb, and or like, whatever... it was, like a curb like section that we sat down. And I was like... [SOBBING SOUNDS] You know? And she was like, "What's up?" And it was just like, "Everything!" Right? There was no answer. It was like, like, I don't even know what I said. But I knew it was like everything. Yeah... the unknown. And I knew, like, I didn't have that much money, like, a couple hundred bucks. And then I knew I had like a check for like, $300 that was going to be sent to my temporary apartment from my work. And so it was just like, all of these... all of the uncertainty in everything just crashed. And so my friend was nice and comforting and everything. And then she took over driving. And it was just... It was actually, I think it was a relief that that happened before we actually got to San Francisco. Because I remember when we got to San Francisco, like we were on Haight Street, and we parked either after we moved all our stuff in my friend's sister's apartment. But I remember when I parked that van, that I was like, "This is maybe the last time I'm going to drive." Like I just had that feeling. I was like, "This is it, I'm gonna not drive. This is happening soon. And like me in the van... like that's it."

Thomas: Wow.

Connor: And I was just very conscious of it, not in like a stressful way, and I wasn't talking about it with my friend. It was just something I just knew that it would be better because I could drive then. I think it's better to make a decision when you know about something and be able to process it before you are forced to. Because I think... I mean, it's not possible all the time, but if you have like a suggestion of like, "Hey, maybe this is something you should look into", or whatever - it could be related to health, it could be anything, you know - preventing any sort of struggle, or any kind of like issue in the future is always a great strategy. And I was thinking randomly once in a while, like when I had my license, like I was like, "This is my last like driver's license." 

Thomas: Hmmm. Wow. 

Connor: So I did… I didn't think about it, but it didn't. It wasn't something that I was like freaked out about. And I think it was because I could see well then.

Thomas: Yeah. So you're sort of in like an empowered place within the realm.

Connor: Exactly. In control. And it's much easier to make, it's like if you're grounded and you're like, "Okay, this is the... it's on my side like this is my decision. Now." Instead of the external. Like say, some people experience vision loss, very dramatic, right? There's an event and so can be very stressful and that's because it happened very quickly. There was no preparation for it, and so that's a totally different situation and that is much more challenging.

[MUSIC]

I want to invite you to take a breath with me (breath) and invite you to appreciate yourself for being here to listen to Alicia's story. This is a story about the human body and illness and disability. These are words that can make us unconsciously close down, or turn away, or kind of leave. When I first began working in the disability community, I was taught that sometimes we don't rush with gusto toward these concepts because being differently abled or having a chronic illness, is a club that anyone can join at any time and that's really scary. 

And bodies change and illness happens, and they make up some of the million transitions we go through in our lives. Each one, a journey. The transition from one experience of being in a body to the next experience of being in the same body (that's different now) is a journey. As choreographer Bill T Jones (who, by the way, is HIV positive and who lost his partner Arnie Zane to AIDS) as he says, "My body is a spiritual experience that's constantly growing and changing."

[MUSIC]

Connor: I think... I think transitions are really interesting and I tend... I've had a couple of experience where I'm kind of like the all... it's not like the all or nothing ,but like deal with everything all at once. Like when I broke up with long-term relationship. It felt... I was like, going through a lot. My father passed away around the same time and it was just like this thing. It was kind of like... it was a similar, a very similar experience of when I was given this opportunity like, "Hey, Alicia, do you want to move to San Francisco? I need to know in three days," I was given this opportunity and then I was forced to assess my life. And my father's death was that opportunity to assess my life and how I was living it. Because when somebody passes away the reflection on what... how life is going with the person could me is a common experience. And here I was forced to look at my life because my father passed away... And it was a good thing, he was a Vietnam vet, an alcoholic, and it was time for him to go. He had enough time on this world and I'm sure he's rocking it in his next life. And so it was like relieving and everything, but it's still like death and grieving. And I think the main thing about transitions is like seeking out the support you need and talking about it with others. And sometimes we might not want to talk about it and that might be a great time to journal, just to get it out. 

Thomas:  Mm hmm, yeah.

Connor: Letting yourself go through the transition and feel the feelings. Because sometimes transition can produce or increase anxiety, but that's the unknown. And the fear of unknown, and things usually work out. We have a choice, like... like go the the fearful, anxiety-ridden, intense route and just kind of be a monster or... and not approachable. Or we could, you know, go through life and experience it, because there's a lot to experience and enjoy much more to experience and enjoy the struggles.

Thomas: Wow. Well, thank you, thank you so much for telling, telling me the story, telling us the story, and the insights that you have into it. And I just think it was so brave of you to just... to just take that risk and do that move. And I feel like it's very in line with the spirit of you that I know. You're very bold, and you're very brave. You're strong.

Connor: Thank you. Thank you so much, Colleen.

Letting ourselves go through the transition and feel the feelings. Seeking out the support we need by talking about it with others. These are the reasons I love Alicia. She's so keyed in to the essence of being human, of being vulnerable, and being bold at the same time. Life surprised Alicia with a big change and she took action to own that change, to flow with it on her own terms. In a way, the cross-country drive was part of how she marked the transition, how she reinvented herself at a time when the universe had thrown her a curveball. I hope Alicia's story and spirit inspire you to do something bold today, something maybe you're not even sure you can do. 

Alicia Connor is a Registered Dietitian Nutritionist and Chef in San Francisco. She is the creator of "Quick & Delish by Alicia Connor," a meal planning and cooking series on YouTube that brings wellness to people by helping them create meals that are quick, delicious, and nutritious. Learn more about her work at https://www.aliciaconnor.com.

Our music is by Terry Hughes. You can follow us on IG and Twitter at shamepinata. You can reach us through the contact page at our website, shamepinata.com. And you can subscribe to the podcast on Radio Public, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or your favorite player. We'll be back in February with Season 3. I’m Colleen Thomas. Thanks for listening.

S1 E10 My Self Marriage Story

Episode Summary

What if you could find the most amazing partner in the world, someone who loves you unconditionally, who respects you, admires you, and has your back through thick and thin? What if that person was you?

Episode Resources:

→ Tria Wen: https://triawen.com/

Episodes by Topic

→ Episodes on Rites of Passage: https://ever-changing.net/rites-of-passage 

→ Episodes on Authentic Weddings: https://ever-changing.net/authentic-weddings 

→ Episodes on Grief & Loss: https://ever-changing.net/grief-loss 

→ Episodes on Challenging Times: https://ever-changing.net/challenging-times 

 

Support the Show

→ Subscribe In Your Favorite Player: https://kite.link/shamepinata 

→ Rate & Review: https://ever-changing.net/rate-sp 

 

About the Show

Shame Piñata is hosted by Ritual Artist Colleen Thomas, a Certified Meditation and Mindfulness teacher who helps people make sense of life through ceremony. Music by Terry Hughes.

 

Listen If

→ You’re feeling stuck

→ You’re going through a tough time

→ Something significant has happened and no one gets it


Love Shame Piñata?
Subscribe on iTunes | Follow on Spotify
Follow on Instagram | Connect on Facebook
Join us for a Ceremony | Follow on Podchaser


 
 

Full Transcript

Thomas: It's the transition of me from little girl who wants to get married and wants to be the bride in the big white wedding dress to me as the grown woman who stands in her power, who knows who she is, who knows that she's complete with or without a partner, and is connected most deeply with the sacred inside of herself.

What if I told you that you could find the most amazing partner in the world, someone who loves you unconditionally, who respects you, admires you, and has your back through thick and thin. A person who really understands you and gets it. In fact, a person that knows you so well, being with them is just like being home. Where could you find this person? Just look in the mirror. This is Shame Piñata. I’m Colleen Thomas. Welcome to Shame Piñata, where we talk about creating rites of passage for real-life transitions. Today we're going to switch things up a little bit. My good friend Tria Chang is going to interview me about a ceremony from my life, a ceremony I held about 5 years ago in which I married myself. If self-marriage is new to you, I invite you to give it a listen.

Chang: So hello, Colleen.

Thomas: Hi Tria.

Chang: It's so nice to talk to you about your ceremony because it is the reason that we met in the first place or not, actually the reason we met with Shame Piñata, but I think what made me feel really connected to you was hearing about your own ritual and how you have created something that I think a lot of people could take into their own lives. So I'm excited to talk to you about that today. And as we mentioned, there's a lot going on in the world right now and it's... it can be hard to be centered and present. So if you don't mind, I thought we could do a little exercise to start off before I start asking you questions and that is just to kind of put yourself in the place of your self-commitment ceremony. And I'm going to ask you questions in the present tense as if we're there. And if you don't mind answering the questions in the present tense as well just to like, help bring us there and I might go ahead and close my eyes while we do this, just so I can really be there with you. So, it's the day yourself commitment ceremony. And you wake up in the morning. How are you feeling?

Thomas: Nervous about the details coming together because there's a lot of details and really excited that the day is finally here.

Chang: And what time of the day did the ceremony begin?

Thomas: It begins... I think... I forget... I think it begins around noon or two in the afternoon.

Chang: Okay, perfect. So let's put ourselves in that space in the afternoon. And how are you opening the ceremony? What do you hear and who is there? What do you see?

Thomas: Well, it takes a while for us to get ready and it takes a while for everybody to arrive. And we have I think we have 13 women in person attending... we have 13 women in person attending and we have three additional women attend on Skype. They think it's cute and fun that I'm wearing a big old wedding dress that I got to Goodwill. It doesn't fit me and it's pinned closed in the back because it's way too big.

Chang: And how do you open the ceremony?

Thomas: I brought in an officiant so that I wouldn't have to officiate it myself. So how we open it is that she does a welcome and an introduction. She introduces everybody, everybody to themselves and to each other. And then she leads us in a meditation, a short meditation just to arrive. And then I chose to cast a circle because that's the tradition that I come from to create sacred space, to open it into a ceremonial space. And then we invited in Spirit and we began doing... I think we had one reading in the beginning... oh, yes, a friend of mine read the Charge of the Goddess and then we went into check-ins...

The ceremony began with casting the circle, calling the directions and inviting in Spirit and then moved into readings, check-in and a circle dance. After the circle dance, we went into a performance art piece that I created especially for the ceremony, which was kind of the heart of the ritual. It symbolized my transition from the little girl who wanted the fairytale wedding to the grown woman standing in her power. The performance art piece was comprised of many elements woven together, visual, auditory and movement. But at its heart, it was basically me taking off the froofy wedding dress and stepping into a more earthy, Goddess dress while a modern rendition of Woodie Guthrie's 1944 song "Who's Gonna Shoe Your Pretty Little Feet?" playing in the background. The lyrics of that song are:
Who's gonna shoe your pretty little foot?
Who's gonna glove your hand?
Who's gonna kiss your red ruby lips?
Who's gonna be your man?
Tria asked me about the significance of that song in the context of a self-commitment ceremony.


Thomas: For me, I chose to do the self-commitment ceremony when I was just about to get married to a person... to a man. And I had always wanted to do a self-commitment ceremony and had done some small things, but it felt really important to me before marrying somebody else to marry myself first, because I've had a tendency to give myself away and to sort of run roughshod over myself and not pay attention to what I needed, but to become what I thought I was supposed to be for somebody else... which maybe sounds like a good idea, but really, ultimately, it ends up with me being kind of a shell person for that other person and not somebody they can really rely on and trust in, because I'm not being authentic to myself. So I took the opportunity of using the self-commitment ceremony as a time to shed a little bit more of that because I knew that I could say, "Oh, I'm going to be my full self, I'm going to marry you, I'm going to be my full self." But yet there was going to be some residue of the old ways and the old beliefs in me. So the performance art piece was a chance to enact taking off the dress, setting it aside, honoring it, and just being like, yeah, and I'm me. And this is who I'm connecting with and this is who I'm going to walk out of the ceremony being so that I can walk into the next ceremony as that person.

Chang: Yes, that really resonates with me. Yeah.

Thomas: And having it witnessed was extremely powerful.

Chang: That's beautiful. Yeah, that resonates with me and I think so many other people, and perhaps women especially feel a great sense of loss during a relationship or a marriage especially. And I think that's so powerful to commit to yourself before doing that.

So, my particular self-marriage ceremony was focused heavily on the concept of the Chakras, which are energy centers in the body. As you’ll hear in the next section of the interview, the chakras are important to me, so I wove them into my ceremony. For reference, if you’re not already familiar with them, the chakras run in a line near the spine beginning with the 1st chakra at the base of the spine and extending up to the 7th chakra at the crown of the head, with a few additional chakras above that. Each chakra is correlated to a particular energy such as safety, love or intuition.

Chang: What was the importance of the chakras in your ceremony and how did you represent each?

Thomas: My spiritual practice at that time was slowly going through each chakra. So, I had a daily meditation practice where I was working on whichever one. I started with the first chakra and I worked through them all. And I worked through them... I spend about three months on each or longer... So I would... every morning I would have a meditation where I would just sit with like the concept of the first chakra, say, and I would just sort of notice if I could feel it in my body, and I would just sort of sense into it. And I had lots of different things that I did around staying focused on the chakra. So I was... basically over a long period of time, I was learning myself deeply at each level, and each chakra level. So I thought a rainbow in the ring would be perfectly aligned to my spiritual practice and it would bring me home to me, which is what I wanted the ring to ultimately do is when I look at it, "Oh yeah, that's me. I got this." And the ring I ended up with does have rainbow sapphires in it and I wrote several vows for each chakra that I took in the ceremony, but I have sort of one master vow for each chakra. And it's a very nice meditation. When I look at the ring, I can actually just go through and I can look at the red stone and say the first chakra vow, and look at the orange stone and say, the second chakra vow and I can just do them really quickly... and I just remember boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. "Okay, those are my eight ways that I am me now," and then I can go back to what I'm doing.

Chang: Wonderful. And can you tell me a little bit about how you represented that in your ceremony?

Thomas: Mostly through the ring and through the vows. And as prep work for the ceremony, once I finished my... I was calling it a self-guided tour of my chakras, which took about two years... once I was finished, once I had finished that process, that was about the time I was beginning to plan the self-commitment ceremony and I reached out and found one woman each in my life, who could be a guide at the level of the chakra. So for example, I thought, "Who's my most grounded friend who's just grounded, it's effortless. She's just there," "Who's my friend who's just in her heart It's, you know, it's simple for her. That's just how she, how she is." And so I found these eight women, and I asked them each to meet with me twice, once just to have a conversation about like, "Wow, you really are amazing at this level and I want to get amazing at that level and how do you do it? And you know, what does it feel like to you and here's my issues... and help me..." You know, and, and so, the first meeting gave us a chance to talk and plan a little they gave me like an assignment. So my first chakra goddess had me map out some things about being grounded and finances and safety and I did some writing on that and some graphing and we came back and we visited it together. My third chakra goddess, which is all about being bold and brave, she sent me to a Bikram yoga class, which was really intense. And my heart chakra Goddess talked a lot about fears, the way our fears come up and get in our way. So I started doing a video journal for her about whenever I noticed fears were really getting in my way during the day, I was moving into noticing those a lot more clearly. So, each woman met with me twice and helped me kind of deepen into myself at that level. And then each one of those women attended the ceremony either in person or on Skype and they were the ones who asked me, you know, "Do you take yourself with this? Do you this? Do you do that?" with my vows. And I said, "Yes, I this, I that," with my vows. So my first chakra goddess let me take my first chakra vows and then put a red ribbon around my neck... and... around my shoulders. And my second chakra goddess, same thing... second chakra vows. And it was interesting that it turned out that the upper chakra vow goddesses were on Skype - those were all on Skype and the eighth chakra one, the highest one, she was on a video. She didn't even show up on Skype. So it's kind of got more ethereal as you went up, which is funny.

Chang: That's great. I also love hearing how you incorporated the women into your life in the process leading up to it because it sounds like it was so fortifying for you and also probably felt really nice for them to feel recognized for that quality that you saw in them. Are you standing in front of everyone for the vows or maybe just take me through where you are in the room and how you were feeling at each vow.

Thomas: I was standing with sort of the women in sort of… I'm sorry, I am standing in a... against the wall with the altar behind me and the sort of a horseshoe shape of women in front of me. And the officiant calls each chakra one by one and then each chakra goddess comes up to have me take the vows and the chakra goddesses are wearing stoles that I made for them in the color that they're representing of the chakra, and I made them on my grandmother's sewing machine while I was visiting my mom, which was really nice. And so there's somebody in each of the colors and the goddesses who couldn't be there for the ceremony, I mailed them their stoles, so they were on Skype wearing their stoles. And the officiant... I was just looking at the pictures this morning of the stoles and the officiant had a white stole that had rainbow... it had a little piece of the fabric from each of the other stoles so had like rainbows on either side on her stole. And yeah, one by one the chakra goddesses came up and they said, "Do you promise to this or that" and then I responded and then they had a cord that they put over my shoulders to signify that I had taken the vows. And my friend who was the first darker goddess did the physical filling in for the people who were on Skype who couldn't physically put a cord around my neck.

Chang: Wonderful. So by the end of the vow piece of the ceremony, you have all these cords to symbolize the vows that you've taken on.

Thomas: Yes.

After I took my vows, the ring was passed around for all of the women to bless. It was in a little pouch and I hadn't seen it yet. When it came to me, the officiant removed it from the pouch and handed it to me. I shared with Tria the words I said as I put it on my finger.

Thomas: I said, "As a sign of love and respect for myself, I give myself this ring. I wear it as a reminder of my enoughness. In flowing times and in moments of stillness, in fullness and an emptiness, in fear and in courage with all that I am and all that I will become, and so it is." And then I put the ring on.

Chang: That's lovely. Did you write that?

Thomas: I think I did. Yeah, I think so.

Chang: So you're putting the ring on? What shifts in you or what do you feel?

Thomas: Just just crazy gratitude to be manifesting it because it's something I've been wanting to do for a very long time. And I just feel really excited and happy to have the ring on and that everything went really well and that I'm finally at this moment. And then she says to me, "With a sense of abundant joy that you have found your way to this moment. I now pronounce you married to yourself."

Chang: And then did everyone cheer?

Thomas: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, there was a lot of cheering and I was jumping around and we're super happy, just super happy. I think the next thing we do is we have some sharing, and there's another poem, and then we have just, you know, the closing and releasing of the directions and opening of a circle and then we had rainbow cupcakes.

Chang: Delicious. Do you feel like years later that you pick the right vows?

Thomas: Yes I do. I do. I really love my vows still. I have them on my wall and I recite them when I look at my ring and they're very much... I probably had too many for each chakra really, but I tried to narrow it down and there were just so many aspects of each chakra that felt important. So I think in the end, they were perfect.

Chang: And just to go back a little bit, we talked about the importance of the chakras and then I heard you mentioning your grandmothers and mothers and friends and it sounds like it was all women that were part of the ceremony. Is that right?

Thomas: That's right.

Chang: And what was the significance of that for you?

Thomas: Well, it feels to me that there's a thing about being a woman where we're expected to, I suppose if we're straight, we're expected to give up our, you know, our autonomy to a man and to marriage at a certain point in our lives. And that if we don't do that, it means that we couldn't get it together or we failed, or, you know, we didn't do it right or whatever. And I did a lot of thinking and feeling into how much the institution of marriage was a survival tool for women. And for me, it really wasn't so much because my partner and I were happy together, we didn't need to get married, I would have been fine... I could be fine as a woman in this society without a partner because things have evolved so much for women. But, I mean, in my mom's era, you know, it would have been a lot different and my grandmother's, way different. And so, looking back through my ancestry, it just feels like so many women maybe relied on it as a survival tool. And that felt very heavy to me. So with this ceremony, as with a lot of things that I do, I kind of dedicated my work to shift an old paradigm in me to go back as possible, right, through time to heal my Ancestors, to help heal my line. So, so that, you know, as I liberate myself from these old beliefs that are limiting, it helps to liberate them. So that was a big part for me... and in fact, when I started in the very beginning of the performance art piece, during the musical beginning, before the lyrics started, I had a picture come up on the screen because there was a visual piece to it as well, each one of my grandmother's, and I think there were about maybe 13 or 14 of them that I have pictures of who were on there who showed up one after another. And while I was sitting there watching that during the beginning of the performance art piece, I just felt the power of each... it was like... because we were in ritual space... and it was just like... Boom, there's that grandmother. Boom, there's that grandmother. Boom... and it was like they were showing up. They were walking in the door. They were coming into the space.

Chang: Wow. really powerful. Wow. That's amazing. Yeah, that there's even more depth and power in that answer than I was expecting. So thank you for sharing that. How are you feeling after the ceremony compared to before?

Thomas: I felt so different inside me. I felt like a lot more grounded in myself and who I was and a lot more sure of myself and just like something really important and momentous that happened in me and I shifted, I just felt like I shifted, a different person.

Chang: Thank you so much for sharing all of that with me. And I'm sure the listeners will love hearing about self-commitment ceremonies through your eyes because it's certainly something that I never really considered or thought about before meeting you. So I'm grateful for the introduction through you.

I hope that after hearing this story, you feel inspired to create something for yourself. I chose to go pretty much all out, but there are many ways to do self marriage, even down to simply choosing a special ring that you know is YOUR ring. If you create your own ceremony, let us know. We’re available at shamepinata.com.

Tria Chang is a writer based in San Francisco whose work has appeared in the Washington Post, the NYT Now app, and Narratively. When not writing, she co-runs Make America Dinner Again, and has spoken on NPR, BBC, and at SXSW to discuss and model how to build understanding across political lines. She is working on her first book. Learn more at http://triachang.com/

Our music is by Terry Hughes. If you like the show, please take a minute to review it on Apple Podcasts. I’m Colleen Thomas. Thanks for listening.