S5 E8 Insights Into Authentic Weddings

Episode Summary

Weddings are more than just a celebration. They are markers of a profound life transition that affects not only the couple but also their families and community. Today we reflect on the full range of emotions that can accompany this pivotal rite of passage and learn how our guests made room for them in the wedding time.

Episode Resources

→ Authentic Weddings Episode Archive: https://ever-changing.net/authentic-weddings

→ The Conscious Bride: https://conscious-transitions.com/books/

→ Share Your Story: https://ever-changing.net/contact

Episodes by Topic

→ Episodes on Rites of Passage: https://ever-changing.net/rites-of-passage 

→ Episodes on Authentic Weddings: https://ever-changing.net/authentic-weddings 

→ Episodes on Grief & Loss: https://ever-changing.net/grief-loss 

→ Episodes on Challenging Times: https://ever-changing.net/challenging-times 

 

Support the Show

→ Subscribe In Your Favorite Player: https://kite.link/shamepinata 

→ Rate & Review: https://ever-changing.net/rate-sp 

 

About the Show

Shame Piñata is hosted by Ritual Artist Colleen Thomas, a Certified Meditation and Mindfulness teacher who helps people make sense of life through ceremony. Music by Terry Hughes.

 

Listen If

→ You’re feeling stuck

→ You’re going through a tough time

→ Something significant has happened and no one gets it


Love Shame Piñata?
Subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Follow on Spotify
Follow on Instagram | Connect on Facebook
Join us for a Ceremony | Follow on Podchaser


 
 

Full Transcript

Weddings are more than just a celebration. They are markers of a profound life transition that affects not only the couple but also their families and community. Today we reflect on the full range of emotions that can accompany this pivotal rite of passage and learn how our guests made room for them in the wedding time. 

This is Shame Piñata. I’m Colleen Thomas. Welcome to Shame Piñata, where we talk about creating rites of passage for real-life transitions. I’m happy you are here to join us for the second episode in a 4-part series in which we pause to reflect on the insights we’ve gained from our guests over our first five seasons. Last month we looked at Rites of Passage and today we focus on Authentic Weddings. 

There are so many ways a wedding can be authentic. It might defy familial tradition if the traditions don’t feel right for the couple. It might be an elopement instead of ceremony. It might be not inviting the extended family even though they invited you to their weddings. And it might be finding a way to throw a wedding within a reasonable budget even if that means having a cake and punch wedding on a Wednesday night (not that we know about that). The very act of dedicating time to sit down together and thoroughly figure out what is perfect for us, US, can be revolutionary. This event will create the container for the sacred ceremony in which you move from being single people to married or committed people, so let it be special. Let it be unique. Let it be truly you. Today we will hear stories of people creating authentic weddings by acknowledging the real feelings and transitions that come with a marriage. But first, let’s think about how to uncover what those might be. 

A great way of doing this is by being curious and asking questions, both individually and as a couple. And since you may still be figuring out who you will be as a team, what the essence of your committed partnership may look like, it’s worth taking some time to really sit with it and ask the tough, deep questions like: What do you really want out of the wedding day? And break it down: What do you want out of that day on a body level? What will your body need to be calm, to be regulated, to be invigorated, to feel strong, to feel pleasure. What do you want out of that day on the heart level? What will your heart need to be able to be fully open to this transition, to be fully open to connecting as deeply as you feel ready to with this other person? What aspects of the ceremony can you design to maximize a feeling of safety and intimacy with your partner? What do you want out of the day on a spiritual level? What markers or supports might your spiritual self be seeking during such an important moment of change? These are questions for both you and your partner (if they’re open to it) to consider separately, and then you might talk through them together and see where you overlap and where you don’t. And in this way you might begin to sketch out what each of you needs in order to build the ceremony of your dreams, a ceremony that fully welcomes both of you in an authentic way. 

Be warned though, that bringing in your partner to your dream event may not go as smoothly as you wish, because they are a separate person with their own needs and dreams, so there will be negotiating, and that’s not always easy, but it’s kind of where we’re headed in making a commitment to a new relationship, right? Speaking of commitment and partnership, I’d like to welcome my husband Rodrigo to join us for a few minutes. 

Thomas: Hey there, sweetie, how's it going? 

Torres: Good.

Thomas: I'm glad you're here. 

Torres: Me too.

Thomas: So I was wanting to ask you, I'd love to know what the biggest thing you got out of our wedding planning time was, and how that made the day more authentic for you. 

Torres: Thanks, that's a good question. Weddings were on my mind because we were having all the conversations and I just happened to be listening to a radio talk show. And a woman got asked what was the best advice that she had gotten for her wedding, and she said that it was to not manage anything on her wedding day, and that it had been really profound for her, because she had been able to just be present and experience it in a way that she wouldn't have if she she had been in charge of things. And so I thought that was a great idea. I also thought it'd be a hard idea for me, because I'm such a control freak around events and make wanting to make sure that they go perfectly. But I remember I brought it up to you and we both agreed to just letting go. And I also remember that we committed to it and then at the wedding, there was a sound system problem that happened and I wanted to just go fix it, basically. And I was like, "Okay, no, I committed to not do that", and it turned out fine. So I thought it was a really good decision that we made to just not be in charge, after making sure that our team was really prepared and they knew all the instructions, but we just were gonna, "Okay. We're gonna let go, and if something happens, it's just it's gonna happen. It'll be what it is, and we'll be present for it." So I was really happy about that. 

Thomas: I'm really glad that that you did that too. That really helps me to release and relax on the day and trust, which is so important. 

Torres: Yeah, that's great. And is there anything that you remember about our wedding planning conversations? 

Thomas: Well, I think mostly I'm really glad we took our time and we let things come together organically. I remember feeling frustrated at first because nothing was clicking. The ideas I liked didn't work for you and the ones you had didn't work for me. And I thought because we got along so well and we love each other, it would be easy to get on the same page about what we wanted for our wedding, but because it was such an important event, neither one of us wanted to just agree to whatever. We didn't want to compromise. We wanted to feel 100% right about it. So it took some time, and we were stuck for a long time, but then one night, the magic happened. And we randomly attended a community event we used to both love and we realized that was what we wanted for our wedding. 

[MUSIC]

Thomas: After the break, we’ll hear from several Shame Piñata guests who created authentic weddings by acknowledging the real feelings and transitions that come with a marriage.

Season one of Shame Piñata focused on creating authentic weddings. Writer Tria Wen was one of our earliest guests. When we met her, she was preparing for her second wedding. As a former wedding planner, she had a lot of ideas to draw from as well as some things from her first wedding she wanted to let go of. She spent a great deal of intentional time with her fiancé feeling into how they could best create the event that felt truly right for them. 

Wen: So I had the advantage of expertise and of seeing many different kinds of weddings and in thinking about what really mattered. And I talk to my fiancé about it and luckily for me he’s really interested in exploring those things as well and questioning why do we do certain things and do we need to do those things. So for example, walking down the aisle is kind of a given. And having your father, as a bride, give you away it’s kind of a given for most people. The default is to have the groom already there at the end of the aisle waiting for you and then to have your father walk you down the aisle and essentially give you away, give responsibility to your husband of you. At this point in my life and 35. I’ve lived across the country for my father for over a dozen years now. So the symbolism doesn’t quite make sense of him giving me away to someone else. And for my partner and I, it was also important for us to realize that this is a phase of our life that we’re going on together. It’s not him standing there waiting for me to join him and get on his journey. It’s really going on something together. So, one, we don’t have an aisle, we’re not getting married in a church, but we plan to just show up to our guests together at the same time.

Thomas: That’s, that’s a nice example of how you’re reclaiming the tradition and make it your own.

Chang: Yeah, and there are so many things that we do so automatically I think, without questioning or wondering about them and it was important for us to really pair down things and think, you know, do we even need this or that? Or, can we do this in a different way? How can we do something that has meaning in every step of it for us? 

Wedding Therapist Landis Bejar also joined in season 1. She reminded us that amidst the many wedding details, the event is essentially a life transition. 

Bejar: With any sort of marker of time or what I call in my work, life transition, all kinds of stress comes up because as we mark time, and as we move from one life state to another through a life transition, we ostensibly are grieving the previous state in order to make space for the new state. And that can be challenging both for the person who's moving through it and the people surrounding that person. So if we remove ourselves from the wedding example, we have like a mom sending her five-year-old to kindergarten, a mom might cry. And it's not because she doesn't she's not happy that her child is ready for the next step in their life that she might be grieving those toddler years or those years where she spent more time with the child and now is kind of watching them gain their independence and moving into this next state. And same reason why we cry at graduations, you know, and you know all of those things, so that comes up during weddings as well. And the other thing that I would say is that like, there's a lot of pressure for this to be the happiest day of your life. And so when you have all of these other sort of variables coming up that would naturally challenge our emotions and psychological states and family dynamics, the first sign of distress feels really upsetting and maybe extra upsetting because of the pressure that we're all supposed to be so happy. And I think that that kind of creates a little bit of a pressure cooker for some of these things to come out in really aggressive ways that we're not expecting.

This is something that Tria experienced as well. 

Wen: …There  is a lot going on in the wedding day, and that you're supposed to pack all of these things in, and you're supposed to be thrilled about it the whole time. [LAUGHS] And everyone is really supposed to be on their best behavior, and it doesn't usually turn out that way.

Thomas: Right. And we've had quite a few conversations about the other feelings, the feelings that are harder maybe, the feelings that don't fit in the pretty package, the feelings that we're not allowed to have at a wedding, they get discouraged, and maybe the even the unconscious losses that folks aren't even aware that they're feeling. What tensions have you seen come up at weddings?

Wen: Yeah, there have been a lot of tensions that come up, I think the most common one I've seen is usually between the couple and their parents. So sometimes there are mothers of the bride who are feeling protective, or like they don't really want to let go. So they start trying to control small things like the way the bride is getting her makeup done, or trying to change menu items last minute.  It can really come out in ways that seem unrelated, but are just things that catch their attention and show them a way of having more control in that moment.I also had a client who…  they were a slightly older couple and so they didn't have their parents involved in the planning at all. And when the mother of the groom showed up to the ceremony site, which was an art gallery, she was furious. She just hated the venue. She thought it was so ugly and she told me, “These pictures on the wall, they're awful. They have to go. There aren't enough flowers!” And, you know, in an art gallery you can't change the display. It's off limits. We did end up moving some flowers around for her. And she didn't like the concrete floor which was part of the modernist look. But I talked to the bride and groom and told them I think it would really help her if she could have some say. And so they were comfortable with us putting down an aisle runner, so at least having something cloth for them to walk down - for whatever reason that became important to her in that moment.

It’s so common for these kinds of unconscious feelings to make an appearance around the time of the ceremony because the transition doesn’t only affect the couple in question. As humans we have attachments, relationships, and connections that are affected as we change. So if you’re my best friend, or my sister, or my mom, and I get married, it will have some effect on you. Because we’re connected energetically, you’re involved in my change at some level. And this change might bring up feelings for you. You might be scared you won’t see me as much. You might not like my new partner. You might feel I’m abandoning you in some way. And this is where the confusing part comes in. Because all of this has a good chance of being unconscious. Especially since we’re told that weddings are good things and we should focus on the couple in question and make it all about them. So you might have no idea why you feel totally wedding avoidant, or suddenly really busy, or any number of other feelings you can’t explain, like that mother in the art gallery.

Authentic weddings begin with understanding there is nothing wrong with what we are feeling. Everything we are feeling, even the hard parts, is “normal and necessary,” in the words of our next guest Sheryl Paul. Sheryl was also a season 1 guest as well. She is the author of “The Conscious Bride”, a book recommended to me during my wedding planning time and now one that I highly recommend to others (link in the show notes). I love “The Conscious Bride” because it gave me permission as a bride-to-be to feel all the things, especially as I considered my relationship to my future self, who I would be as a married person, what that would feel like.

Paul: When you are in transition, you are in a death experience, you are in a liminal zone, you are between identities, you are letting go, you are grieving. And we only expect people to feel joyful. It creates a lot of anxiety and it creates even more chaos than there naturally would be around an event like this. Because I'm feeling sad, because I have a sense of loss, because I feel like a part of me is dying, because I'm not over-the-moon ecstatic... something must be wrong with me, or with my partner, or with the decision to get married - something's wrong. And it's an incredibly deep sigh of relief to the soul to know that nothing is wrong. In fact, the more you let those difficult feelings in, the more you will open to the joy; that the pain and the grief and the discomfort and vulnerability are the doorways into the joy, into what we are expected to see all and into what we hope to feel. And what I started to say earlier was that that the wedding more than any other transition, I think, has (probably being pregnant or becoming a mother comes close) carries a very strong cultural expectation of unilateral joy and it is supported in a big way by the wedding industry that sells perfection and sells joy. So it's a it's very big money behind selling us the bill of goods by selling us this message that you are supposed to be joyful and the way to do that is to create a perfect event.

Thomas: How do you work with someone if they're just starting to realize that they don't have to only feel joyful?

Paul: So, I tell them to read my book. And, you know, it's really the first part it's about re-educating people to understand all of the normal and necessary feelings that accompany this transition. And once they understand that everything they're feeling is normal and necessary, they can start to let it in and and feel it, feel the grief, feel the loss, feel the vulnerability, feel the loneliness. These are all normal feelings that accompany transitions. So once we give ourselves permission to feel without that overlay of "because I'm feeling this it means there's something wrong" everything changes from there. We don't then have to misassign meaning to the feelings and to think, "Because I'm feeling sad, it means I'm making mistake." No, it has nothing to do with that. You're feeling sad because you are in a rite of passage. You're feeling sad because you are in the death experience, letting go of this identity, this primary identity as a single person, as daughter, and shifting into an entirely new stage of life, a new identity. And there is no way to go through that without feeling grief.

So how do we go about having some of these spiritual conversations ahead of time? How can we acknowledge the changes that will be happening with ourselves and our family and friends? One option is to feel our feelings. 

Paul: If the bride is very close to her father, that's one set of emotions and experiences where there is tends to be a lot of grief, a lot of crying, really good, medicinal, necessary crying to make that separation process... and to make it more effective to make it more complete to make it more conscious. Again, in the naming, to say, I am separating from my dad, I am no longer going to be... Yes, I'm his daughter, but not in the same way, not as my primary identity. That my new partner is going to be number one and I'm transferring allegiance. 

Another option is to create a ritual. Not the ritual of the wedding, but a separate, earlier ritual. A special time with another person. It doesn’t have to be involved or complicated, or even take a lot of planning. Just some thought about the changes that are happening and how we want to observe them.  Spiritual director Jeanne and her son Astro have a lovely story of leaning in and co-creating a simple but powerful ritual to address some of the feelings that were bubbling up.

Astro: We live on this beautiful lake, and this is, this is already kind of a ceremonial place for us, like it's very spiritual and profound place for our family. Yeah. It’s a really special place. So we knew this would be the ritual spot, the lake, and it was like a beautiful summer time and we just hopped in a small fishing boat and we went out to the middle lake. 

Jeanne: And Patrick had been a tennis player, so he had a lot of trophies, and I was trying to figure out where to put these trophies. So when he talked about it'd be nice if we had some object or something to release, and I thought, HA-HA [LAUGHS]

Astro: That's so funny, because I feel like I also… I had the same idea at the same time!

Jeanne: They are something that was part of my watching him and his being in that sport. And so we decided, I'm not sure how many? Probably at least three, I think probably four… we took out with us in the boat, and then we decided, well, we're in the boat. How, how would we work this? Well, how about we pick one up, and then we talk about starting with early on in life…

Astro: I think you it's pretty much you doing it like you just kind of took it and you held it and you were present with it, and just sort of spoke to like…  my like, your journey, like a baby and a toddler, and what that was like for you. And I remember, like, some lot of tears, like there was emotion, you know..

Jeanne: It was a sacred moment, and it's like 600 feet deep at that point. There's a lot of stuff in this, like people you know, buried with their ashes. Yeah, we've had friends who put their their ashes, and we've had a ceremony of ritual with them in the boat. 

Thomas: And yet, this was a different kind of letting go. This is letting go of a past life, quote unquote, of somebody who's still alive, who's transitioning and letting go of the past relationship. It was kind of a rebirthing of your relationship.

Astro: Totally, totally. And I think that's kind of what it felt like to me, is she's announcing that…  she's like, to me, it's like she's saying this trophy is Patrick as a toddler, and letting it go. It's like, kind of like a death and the same thing with, like, whatever the next trophy represented, sort of like the adolescence and letting go of that, and when all that was let go, it was definitely a rebirth. 

In addition to developing a new relationship to our future self, and to the folks that make up our community, as we approach the wedding or commitment ceremony, we will also be preparing to develop a new relationship with our partner. Nick Venegoni and his husband Thom shared a story from their own ceremony where the officiant created a memorable moment that, like Sheryl Paul said “embodies what's happening”, that acknowledges the transition the wedding couple will be experiencing in their new life. Here’s the story.  

Thom: Right after we had our hands fasted, the priestess of ceremonies, Jenya, she had found like four plants in the group that she went to beforehand and was like, "Okay, there's a part of the ritual when this happens, I'm going to you and you need to do this." So they were going to call to us, and we had to then... but they were calling to us from like four different parts of the circle at one time. So obviously, if we're tied together, we can't just tear off willy-nilly. We have to figure out: What are we doing? What's our priority? Who... what direction are we going to go together? And it was like a challenge for us, like a spiritual challenge in the midst of the ceremony that was like an energetic template for what it's like to be married, you know, where it's like, "Oh, if we're going to... we're tied together, we have to kind of figure out like, when do we go in your direction? And when do we go my direction when there's not agreement" you know? So it was this funny moment. We were both like, like... a cartoonish moment where we just sort of took off, like, like... "I'm going this way," "I'm going that way," like, "Oh, wait, we're like, tied together. What are you going to do, tear my arm off?" You know, like, like a rubber band kind of thing where we sort of like popped away from each other and then sort of snapped back and kind of bonked heads. And you know... And then we had to sit and have a conversation in front of everybody... a quiet... they couldn't really hear what we were saying. We're like, "What do we... what do we do? Which way do we go?

Venegoni: "Where do you wanna go? Where do I wanna go?"

Thom: And so then we just made a decision and walked towards somebody. And everybody was like, "Yay, they figured out their first challenge as a married couple!" Because we've been together for like, 12 years already, you know? 

Venegoni: No, it was… nine years. 

Thom: Nine years. So that was like, another way that the... our community was witnessing us behaving as a married couple and we were like normalizing. Like, yes. See, we're married. And this is what married people do. We're just… it's just like every other marriage where you have to figure it out. And this is not any different. And we just got, like, 200 people in one moment to go, "That's a marriage!"

[MUSIC] 

It's wonderful to have you here! If you enjoy the Shame Piñata, please consider leaving us a review. Check the show notes for a walk-through guide and follow the simple instructions. And thanks!

We’ve established that the day of the wedding marks a big transition, and as such, it can be an extra challenging day to face when someone we love won’t be there with us. Acute losses like death can be particularly challenging to weave into wedding planning and at the same time, acutely wonderful and necessary to weave in. Here’s Tria Wen again:

Wen: With acute losses, or grief in general, that can be a really difficult thing to handle at a wedding because, as we talked about, a wedding is supposed to be all joy and it feels scary to invite something in that will bring you grief and sadness. But sometimes people are important to us and when they're not there, to kind of brush it under the rug, it doesn't really feel real. So I think, in some ways, it could be interesting to expand what happens at a wedding to include some of the things that happen at a memorial or a grief ritual. So we can look to other cultures, for example, like the Day of the Dead. You know, they have these beautiful altars and flowers and favorite foods of that loved one, and they really presence them. 

At my little wedding ceremony, we are having our... instead of place cards with people's names, we're writing cards to everyone with our heartfelt sentiments to them and we're writing them on watercolor painted envelopes and cards. And my mom was a watercolor artist and a lot of weekends, we would spend painting big sheets of watercolor together and then cutting out envelopes. And in those days, people used to mail each other letters often. So we would use those envelopes. So I had my fiancé make these envelopes with me and I really felt her there with me. And he's never met my mom so it was a great way for me to introduce her to him and show him this is how I would spend my weekends with my mom. And I know that having those envelopes there on the day, it's small, it's not going to be very distracting for people who didn't know her. But I will make a mention of the meaning that they have to me. And I think I'll feel her there more in that way.

As I’m sure you’ve gathered by now, I don’t think a wedding needs to be traditional. And I would go a step further to  say that we can transmute the power of a wedding ritual and have a wedding-like ritual that isn’t exactly a wedding.

This was the case with our guest Betsy and her partner Brandon. When Betsy learned that her 

mother had six months to live, she was spurred to create a ceremony that celebrated both of the loves in her life: her mother and her partner, with a beautiful gathering called a Celebration of Love and Family.

Weiss: When I was in college actually, my mom had gotten sick. She had stage one breast cancer but had gotten better. And then a couple years later, it came back a stage four breast cancer and she had really good results through chemo, but in a moment when she was actually doing a lot better, I was in the car with Brandon, we were on the way to see his family. And I was sitting there and thinking, I want to have a ceremony with you. I want to do something with my mom, before she dies, like if something were to happen. And at the time, we're thinking she had 10-20 years. We thought, you know, she was recovering really well. But I just said, like, I want to do this. I want to recognize our relationship with my mom. And he said, yeah, okay.

So we did need to figure out sort of what the day would look like. And we decided that we wanted to have sort of this simple ceremony in a park close to my house

We hired a photographer, which is something I'm so grateful for it because now as I look back, and remember my mother, I have these really wonderful pictures from our celebration. 

You can hear Betsy and Brandon’s full story on the season 1 episode called, “I Want to Have a Ceremony with You”. It’s one of my favorite episodes and I highly recommend it to anyone planning a wedding or a non-wedding. 

One of the more unusual ways but wonderful ways to get committed to someone is to get committed to yourself. This is something you can do instead of committing to someone else, in addition to committing to someone else. Self-commitment, or self-marriage, can feel lots of different ways and be done for lots of different reasons, but I tend to think of it as a way to come home to yourself. To say, “I’ve got my own back. Regardless of what happens in life, I’m on my side.” You might be wondering what would lead someone to decide to marry themself. Here’s a great story from ritualist Betty Ray.

Ray: On New Year's Eve 1999, I had bought this ring that had the drama faces on it, you know, the tragedy and the comedy. And I had this idea to go up to the top of Bernal Hill with my ring... and I brought my checkbook and a candle. So I got up to the top of Bernal Hill and I wrote myself a check to myself and I wrote a check to him. And I lit the candle and I burned the check to him, and "I'm not going to spend any more time on you, dude." And the check to myself, I folded and I put it like near my heart... I guess I was wearing... I put it in my bra, frankly. And then I took the ring and I made a statement. I made a statement as San Francisco was my witness as I was up on the top of Bernal Hill and it's kind of this cloudy, foggy you know gross San Francisco winter day at the winding down of this millennia, you know, and so I had this sort of weight, this gravitas of the sense of this millennia is ending and I'm committing to myself for the new millennia to not get into drama with men anymore. And I said that I will now... I now am committed to myself and I'm marrying my own drama so that I don't need to marry it externally. I don't need to bring my drama... I don't need to create it externally and I certainly don't want to be engaged in a relationship with it anymore. I don't want to do that. That's done, adios. 

Betty used this wonderful and spontaneous ceremony to redefine herself in response to the breakup and also to forward her own desire to change her pattern around men. I had a totally different kind of self-commitment ceremony, and I chose to have mine right before I married Rodrigo. My intention was to release the idea in my head that a man could save me and instead to remind myself that I am my own strongest partner. You might wonder how self-marriage mixes with being married or committed to another person. Here’s how Betty described it. 

Ray: Being married and committed to myself makes me a way better committed partner in reality because being committed to myself, in the way in which I'm committed to myself, means I'm more authentically myself and I'm not... I don't hand over core parts of myself for my need for approval, or my need for someone to tell me what to do, or my need to be in control, whatever those needs are, like I'm a much more whole partner as a result. So it actually made me a much better partner. 

And I think we all want to be that better partner and show up with as much love and integrity as we can in our relationship. 

So this is the moment when I say: No matter where you are on the wedding planning journey, you’re in the right place. You are doing great. Everything will be okay. Trust yourself. Listen deeply to yourself and to your partner. 

And I would also say: See what you can do to move into a deeper, more authentic mode of wedding planning. And pay special attention to the things that will be most likely to support you on the day itself. You might assign someone to be with/support/manage your parents on the event day. You might dedicate a set amount of time to be one on one with your partner right before or right after the ceremony and make sure nothing gets in the way of that happening. You know you and you know your stresses and you know what you need. So think big. Ask for what you want. And be true to yourself. 

We look forward to sharing more stories of authentic weddings with you in upcoming episodes. We might even be able to feature your story if you have one to tell. If you do, you can reach us through shamepinata dot com. You can hear more from each of the guests you heard from today in our archive. Check the show notes for a link to our collection of episodes on Authentic Weddings. And join us for the two remaining episodes in this series where we reflect on the wisdom we have learned from our guests around Grief and Loss and also Challenging Times. Those episodes will be out when we return in February for Season 6. 

Our music is by Terry Hughes. Find us on YouTube, IG and X at shamepinata. Reach us through our website, shamepinata dot com. And subscribe to the show on your favorite player. Also be sure to check out “Everyday Magic for Ukraine”, our ongoing series of 10-minute meditations that support you as you support Ukraine. I’m Colleen Thomas. Thanks for listening.

P.S. Get up to 2 months of free podcasting service with Libsyn. Check out the show notes for your promo code to get started podcasting today.

S5 E7 Insights Into Rites of Passage

Episode Summary

Imagine navigating the journey of life with the power of ritual in your hand. From births and weddings to grief and personal growth, each change shapes who we are. Today we reflect on five seasons of conversations with ritual makers and look at how they have used the tool of ritual to heal, grow, and transform.

Episode Resources

→ Rites of Passage Episode Archive: https://ever-changing.net/rites-of-passage

→ Share Your Story: https://ever-changing.net/contact

Episodes by Topic

→ Episodes on Rites of Passage: https://ever-changing.net/rites-of-passage 

→ Episodes on Authentic Weddings: https://ever-changing.net/authentic-weddings 

→ Episodes on Grief & Loss: https://ever-changing.net/grief-loss 

→ Episodes on Challenging Times: https://ever-changing.net/challenging-times 

 

Support the Show

→ Subscribe In Your Favorite Player: https://kite.link/shamepinata 

→ Rate & Review: https://ever-changing.net/rate-sp 

 

About the Show

Shame Piñata is hosted by Ritual Artist Colleen Thomas, a Certified Meditation and Mindfulness teacher who helps people make sense of life through ceremony. Music by Terry Hughes.

 

Listen If

→ You’re feeling stuck

→ You’re going through a tough time

→ Something significant has happened and no one gets it


Love Shame Piñata?
Subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Follow on Spotify
Follow on Instagram | Connect on Facebook
Join us for a Ceremony | Follow on Podchaser


 
 

Full Transcript

Imagine navigating the journey of life with the power of ritual in your hand. From births and weddings to grief and personal growth, each change shapes who we are. Today we reflect on five seasons of conversations with ritual makers and look at how they have use the tool of ritual to heal, grow, and transform. 

This is Shame Piñata. I’m Colleen Thomas. Welcome to Shame Piñata, where we talk about creating rites of passage for real-life transitions. 

Now that we are in our fifth season, it’s time to do a little reflecting. We’ve had the opportunity to speak with many ritual makers over the years and today we’re launching a 4-episode series to reflect on the insights we’ve gained. First, Rites of Passage, then Authentic Weddings, then Grief & Loss, and finally Challenging Times. Today we begin with Rites of Passage.

When Shame Piñata was still in development, I crowd-sourced a list of life transitions and I’d like to share a bit of it with you. In reviewing it, I noticed that about two thirds of the responses were situations that are out of our control. Leaving only one third that are in our control. Now, I’m not sure if this percentage represents the actual breakdown of typical lifetime of events or if it’s just that the tougher ones grab our attention more. The mind, after all, looks for problems to solve as a way of helping us stay safe. 

In the “Things that Happen To Us” column we have a few categories. The first is life stages. These are things most of us go through if we live long enough, such as our birth, and the annual celebration of it, the first day of school, first friend, first enemy, first love, going through puberty, leaving our childhood home for college or another destination, creating some kind of family of our own, losing our grandparents or other older relatives, losing our parents or caregivers, becoming a caregiver for someone we love, planning for our own passing. 

We may also go through physical changes throughout our lifetimes such as menarche,  pregnancy, miscarriage, menopause, illness, surgery, and the healing that follows

And things can change within our relationships as well. Children may move out of the house. We may lose touch with someone we love for reasons beyond our control. We might lose someone from whom we are estranged. And then there’s pets… don’t get me started on pets. Pets are a commitment that oftentimes brings a knowledge up front that we will need to say goodbye long before we are ready. You get the idea… things happen. And they can for all the world seem like they are happening to us. But sometimes looking back, we might notice that we wouldn’t be where we are now without them. They are, perhaps, an important part of who we are.   

Flipping to the other side, let’s consider some of the life changes that are more likely to be our own choice - not all of them easy. Some ideas in this category include: choosing where we want to study and/or work, learning to drive, the first trip out of our neighborhood or country, picking a religious or spiritual community that aligns with our own beliefs, exploring and embodying our gender identity and attraction to others, getting married or committed, choosing how to raise our children, going back to work (or not) after having kids, choosing how to handle our fertility in general, working diligently to master a new skill, leaving an abusive relationship, getting out of debt, reaching an investment goal, and choosing when and how we might retire. 

That’s a lot of potential life changes! So what do these changes do on the practical, everyday level? They may change our environment, our rhythm, our planning, our relationships to others, and, if we’re honest, our relationship to ourselves. They may not start out as a means of personal growth, but they can easily become just that. As we experience losses and setbacks, we can evaluate them, seek their meaning, and use them to grow. As we make it through hard times, we learn to trust our strength and resilience.

Each of these kinds of transitions is important and each is worthy of honoring. Each time you do something you never thought you could do, I honor that for you. And each time you go through a significant loss, I honor that for you as well. The honoring is the part that ritual serves. It’s that moment of saying, “This is important. I have changed in an important way because of this event and I would like to honor that by having a ceremony” - or perhaps asking someone to organize a ceremony for you (yes, you’re allowed to do that, by the way! I did it on the 10th anniversary of my father’s death).  

As a ritualist, I break down ceremonies into three categories that I call “Significant Moments”, “Reinventing Ourselves” and “The Deep Dive”. All of the examples we just explored fall into the “Significant Moments” category. These are moments when we have changed on a fundamental level, either through something happening to us or making the change ourselves. Ritual can be especially useful when we come across a significant moment that is deeply personal, especially perhaps, when it’s something that the people around us can’t relate to. For example, if everyone in the neighborhood adores our golden retriever they may instinctually join us in grieving her loss after she passes, sharing comforting words and maybe even sending cards. But if we had a pet that no one really understood, perhaps a cat who was scared of other people, we might well find ourselves alone with the grief after that animal passes. Not alone as in no one gets why we’re sad after losing our cat, but alone in that others didn’t have the same loving experiences we did because that cat saved all of her love for us. It’s hard to feel alone. And it’s hard to hold strong feelings inside. Ritual can provide a container to both honor what is deeply personal and help us presence and release some of the emotional intensity. 

Ritual can also help us to reinvent ourselves if we feel the need for a reboot. This often instinctually happens after a significant event. How many times have you cut your hair, rearranged your living room, or made some other conscious change after a break-up? That rush of energy we get to take control after being “hard done by” is powerful. And it’s healing. It can be a type of ritual to counterbalance a sense of being out of control. I call these kinds of rituals “Reinventing Ourselves”. They can be tied to a significant event or just come to us out of the blue. Like when we just suddenly realize we don’t fit in our old skin anymore and we need a change. This can happen after we’ve gained a bit of perspective, perhaps through travel or a retreat, something that has taken us out of our usual habit patterns.

Finally, another type of ritual is what I call “The Deep Dive”. It’s reserved for those moments where we feel resourced enough to go, well, deep. Beyond the day to day, beyond life events, beyond breakups and other losses. Moments when we are willing to question who we are and why we are here. I’m talking about something along the lines of an all night vigil, a soul quest, something that makes room for deep healing and exploring what Spirit is calling us to do next. Again, Deep Dive rituals may be initiated by a significant event or we may just feel ready for them without understanding why. Deep dive rituals are great because deep work is best done with a container. What is a container? Well, the container is created by the very things we do to make it a sacred space. Things like setting aside dedicated time for the ceremony, going someplace we won’t be disturbed, opening the space with something intentional (casting a circle, reading a poem, lighting a candle), honoring that we are in a sacred space during the time of the ritual, and doing something to intentionally close the space at the end (opening the circle, dedicating the energy of the ritual to heal the world, blowing out the candle). These things might seem simple but they are powerful, because they tell our subconscious mind that we are moving into and then back out of an intentional time where we can drop more deeply into our truth. 

As mentioned at the top, we’ve been lucky enough to learn from several talented ritualists on this show. After the break, we’ll see what each of them had to teach us about the power of ritual for rites of passage.

[MUSIC]

If you enjoy Shame Piñata, consider checking out Everyday Magic for Ukraine. Everyday Magic for Ukraine is a totally different kind of show that invites you to grab an item and do a simple ritual for peace in Ukraine. Episodes are less than 10 minutes long with a focus on calming the nervous system and keeping your heart open. You can find Everyday Magic for Ukraine wherever you're listening to this podcast.

So let’s look a little more deeply now into rites of passage and what they can do for us. We’ll be hearing from some of our former guests as we go, starting with Betty Ray who shared these words when I asked her, "What is the benefit in creating our own ceremonies?”

Ray: I think that our 21st century culture has become so individualized that certain kinds of rites of passage, the generic thing, just don't resonate. And so the benefit of a personalized sort of self designed DIY rite of passage or ceremony, transition ceremony, is that it can be something that is deeply meaningful to you. And I don't think these work if they're not deeply meaningful to you. So I would argue that there is no reason to do this if it isn't personalized. It's really important that it be meaningful, and that it come from a place that has such heart and meaning that it can… that it does the sort of psychological lifting. When it is individualized, it's a creative process. It's really fun. It's really fun to think about what is the thing that nurtures me. It's really fun to think about what is the thing that I'm trying to heal. It's not fun - that's not fun. [LAUGHS] But it's healing. It's healthy to look at what is the thing that I want to let go of and how do I design something so that I can take back my power over this thing that has really hurt me or has humiliated me or that I want to leave behind.

So, personalization. Power. Fun. Hard work. Inner work. These are the types of things ritual can bring us. And as Betty pointed out in another part of that episode, ritual creates the container for these things. So it’s easier to drop into the deeper feelings we might be having when we know we have created a safe place to do that. 

So now let’s answer a few questions. Are rites of passage only for coming of age? Of course not. We keep growing and changing way past our teen years. In fact, Nick Venegoni conceptualizes life transitions as moments of initiation where we can level up. 

Venegoni: I think of initiations as these gateways that we have the opportunity to walk through and transform ourselves in our lives and those gateways hold power. You know, so it's a way to sort of step into, you know, a new experience of who you are. Whether that's like, “I'm no longer a child, I'm an adult now”. You know, whether that's through your gender, your sexuality, or your biology where you have an opportunity to really grow and step into a new level of power in terms of who you are in the world and carrying that forward in your life.

Another question: Do rites of passage need to be religious? Absolutely not. They can be religious, spiritual, or secular. It’s always your choice. The important thing is the reverence for the transition that is being honored. There are some rites of passage that are handled within a religious context. Here’s Tina Torres on the power of baptism in the Christian tradition:

Torres: It's just really exciting. And really, the person being baptized, it's very, super… there's, when you come up out of the water, there's this kind of sense of euphoria and spiritual exultation. You know what I'm saying? It's very, it's a very powerful experience. Very powerful.

Personalized rites of passage can also be created for use in place of traditional religious ceremonies. April Cantor created a special ceremony with her son after it became clear that he did not want to have a bar mitzvah.

Cantor: …and that being said, my husband and I both agreed, you still need some sort of rite of passage, like that's important that… you know, this is your time. Let's… let's figure out something we don't know what that looks like yet, but this still calls for some sort of rite of passage. And that's how it started.

Rites of passage can also be completely separate from religion, which can make them unique and interesting. Nikole Lent describes that aspect of her Welcome to Womanhood ceremony in which the elders in her community welcomed her to womanhood.

Lent: I was the only person that I knew that had had something like that aside from, you know, friends that had ceremonies related to religion or cultural background, be it a bar mitzvah, bat mitzvah, quinceañera or things of that nature. But as far as like a non-religious based rite of passage ceremony, I was the only person that I knew that had experienced such a thing. So my friends were really curious and excited and intrigued by that.

Next question: What is the benefit of community in ritual? Of the witness? Why not just honor our life transitions alone? While some rituals are best done alone, the availability of community  gives us the opportunity to shower the individual with our love and hopes and wisdom. Kind of like how we give a new couple a blender when they get married, but in this case it can be something deeper. Nikole’s mother Susan describes the gifts she asked of the women she invited to Nikole’s Welcome to Womanhood ceremony.

Burgess-Lent: it would be in the form of something that was symbolic. And they could read a poem, or they could play some music, or they could dance or they could have an object, it didn't matter. I left it up to them.

Thomas: And what were some of the gifts that showed up?

Lent: I can speak to that, because I still have many of them. [LAUGHS] One was this gorgeous woven… very intricately woven, basket that our friend had made by hand. And I've used it for so many things over the years and it's held strong for... yeah, pretty much like 15…17 years at this… at this point. And another friend gave me Joni Mitchell's album "Blue". She wrote a card that said something like, "These songs are tattoos on my soul and have been with me for like, you know, profound moments in my life. And I hope that they can be there for you the way that they worked for me." And I listened... that album was like... it was like a friend to lean on. There was also the crown... I wore a crown, like, it was like kind of a bramble and with flowers, you know, while I was in the middle of this ceremony, and that... It just felt like an honor to be celebrated and cherished, and that was a symbol of that. A lot of precious, thoughtful, deliberate offerings. 

Ritual can also help us deal with the bigger losses we might come across as we grow up. Personalized ceremonies can help us take the reins back and begin to heal our hearts. Megan Sheldon turned to ritual to help her make sense of invisible loss. 

Sheldon: And shortly after our wedding, we tried to get pregnant and we did. And, you know, seven weeks later, we miscarried. And then we got pregnant again and miscarried. And a third time, miscarried. And each time it was like this invisible loss that nobody knew. It was just, I mean… this was seven years ago. So it was just starting to kind of get a little bit more traction in terms of the media and people talking about it a little bit more, but nobody was talking about a ceremony where I could honor and say goodbye. I was never even offered any of the remains from the hospitals after my D&C procedures. So I started to create my own rituals around my loss. And my husband, Johan and I, we created our own rituals and ceremonies to acknowledge not only the loss of life, but also the loss of the stories we'd started to tell ourselves. I had a lot of growing anxiety. What was happening? Why was my body doing this? Will I ever get pregnant? You know, it was in my mid to late 30s at that point, so that… you know, there was this time pressure that was both external and internal. Yeah, I think that time for me it was really about learning how these things that I naturally wanted and needed did in my life were rituals. It was ceremony. It was, you know… I wanted to sit with my girlfriends and not only share my story, but hear their story. I wanted to, you know, every year on a due date or on a loss date, I wanted to have something that I could do that would connect me so that I wouldn't forget that I wouldn't grow… grow further away from it. 

[MUSIC]

Ritual can also help us make sense of things that happened a long time ago. I think people might not realize this. I shared an important example with Erica Sodos in our episode on Blood Magic. We were discussing menarche, or first blood, ceremonies.

Sodos: Say a woman is seventy so she hasn't bled for a while. She could still celebrate her first moon time? 

Thomas: Yeah, sure…

Sodos: Really? Even though she's already been through all these different cycles in her life. And I guess, I guess you're saying you can do it, you feel that you can do a rite of passage whenever, like even if it was a while ago?

Thomas: Yeah. I mean, it has a different effect, I think, than doing it at the moment. But I believe that ritual transcends space and time and I've been in a post… a retroactive menarche ceremony with one of my blood mothers who got a big room of 30 women together who were all  not 12 or 13, it was all for grown women to go back and connect to the moment of the, you know, the Maiden. And it was, it was just transformational and so I know that it can transcend space and time. It helps if you have a really good ritual practitioner can who can run it for you.

Sodos: That sounds like magic. Like I'm feeling that… that you… Well, that's the same idea like when I was in therapy and the therapist would have me go back to an experience from when I was little and say, you know, I was attacked, or my parents were out of control or whatever and then she would be like, “Who would protect you?” And then I did all these meditations where there was this bear… this mama bear would come and like took me away until all the fighting was still going on, but the mother was… And I think that that's that same idea. It's like almost like neural… changing the neuroplasticity in the brain, right? 

Thomas: Right.

Sodos: I mean, you're going back. And you're reclaiming this experience, and then you kind of recreated it and then in a way the timeline changes. Right? Did you feel for you and other women like the timeline changes?

Thomas: Yep. Exactly. Exactly. Like the historical events that happened in my life when I did really get my blood when I was 12 didn't change but yet the part of me… the 12 year-old who's always living in me now has had a very different experience… had like the original experience and then had this other amazing experience which kind of weaves together.

Sodos: So you became more whole, in a way. 

Thomas: Exactly.

Sodos: Because that 12 year-old who grew up who was fractured or whatever you want to say never truly connected to her power or whatever it was. But now she's had a different timeline within you, so it makes you different now, is that kind of…

Thomas: Exactly. Yeah, that's a good way to put it. 

A similar story was shared by Thom on our episode about coming out as a rite of passage.

Thom: I turned 50 a year ago. I just had my 51st birthday but a part of my 50th birthday... we did a ceremony, sort of a... like a power-retrieval type ceremony where we did go back and look... heal like specific woundings from when I was younger so that all of that energy would then collapse into the present and I would then move forward into this next part of my life without that energetic disturbance or that energetic attractor, if you will. And so that was a situation where it wasn't specifically related to coming out because I didn't have any coming out wounding, but we did do a ceremony where we went back to deal with a past, you know, scenario and then heal that in the present and that was really eye-opening and amazing and don't know why I never thought of it before.

Thom’s story gives a great example of how to use ritual as a tool, a tool we can use to move into the future we want to claim for ourselves. 

So how are you leveling up? What future are you claiming for yourself? And where do you find yourself among the many examples we touched on today? Are you dealing with something that has recently happened to you? Are you on the milestone of a significant moment that’s unique to your experience? How are you ready to reinvent yourself? Or, are you perhaps ready to take the deep dive? Wherever you are, I honor that place for you. I honor you and your unique and sacred path. Is there a ritual that would be heaving for you? Maybe it’s time to revisit the past and transform it. Maybe you are ready to take a deep dive.

We look forward to sharing more rites of passage stories with you in upcoming episodes. We might even be able to share your story if you have one to tell. Reach  us through shamepinata dot com. You can hear more from each of the guests you heard from today in our show archive. Check the show notes for a link to our collection of episodes on Rites of Passage.

Our music is by Terry Hughes. Find us on YouTube, IG and X at shamepinata. Reach us through our website, shamepinata dot com. And subscribe to the show on your favorite player. I’m Colleen Thomas. Thanks for listening.

P.S. Get up to 2 months of free podcasting service with Libsyn. Check out the show notes for your promo code to get started podcasting today.

S5 E6 The Emergence Ceremony (April Cantor)

Episode Summary

How can we honor our youth as they come of age in ways that are strengthened by tradition and also allow their unique spark to shine? What would happen if we let them tell us what they need and co-created ceremony with them? Join us as we hear the story of the Emergence Ceremony that bridged into a powerful transformation for the entire family.

Episode Resources

→ SoulShine Life with April: https://soulshinelife.com/

→ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/soulshinelifeyoga

Episodes by Topic

→ Episodes on Rites of Passage: https://ever-changing.net/rites-of-passage 

→ Episodes on Authentic Weddings: https://ever-changing.net/authentic-weddings 

→ Episodes on Grief & Loss: https://ever-changing.net/grief-loss 

→ Episodes on Challenging Times: https://ever-changing.net/challenging-times 

 

Support the Show

→ Subscribe In Your Favorite Player: https://kite.link/shamepinata 

→ Rate & Review: https://ever-changing.net/rate-sp 

 

About the Show

Shame Piñata is hosted by Ritual Artist Colleen Thomas, a Certified Meditation and Mindfulness teacher who helps people make sense of life through ceremony. Music by Terry Hughes.

 

Listen If

→ You’re feeling stuck

→ You’re going through a tough time

→ Something significant has happened and no one gets it


Love Shame Piñata?
Subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Follow on Spotify
Follow on Instagram | Connect on Facebook
Join us for a Ceremony | Follow on Podchaser


 
 

Cantor: …for sure like every once in a while, like they’ll say, “Oh God! I would love something like that too.” In fact, right afterwards my mom, you know my Catholic mom, she was like, “I want an emergence too!” And she’s like turning 75 this year so we’re going to give it to her!

How can we honor our youth as they come of age in ways that are strengthened by tradition and also allow their unique spark to shine? What would happen if we let them tell us what they need and co-created ceremony with them? Join us as we hear the story of the Emergence Ceremony that bridged into a powerful transformation for the entire family. 

This is Shame Piñata. I’m Colleen Thomas. Welcome to Shame Piñata, where we talk about creating rites of passage for real-life transitions. Today we are lucky enough to be joined by April Cantor. April is a gifted ritual leader and a gifted mom. She is here to share a story with us, a story of growth, a story of change, a story of emergence. It centers around one weekend in which a planned ceremony unfolded into an unplanned ceremony, both of which turned out to be part of a larger whole. So join me in taking a breath and centering in your heart as we travel back in time to that weekend.

Cantor: Imagine a beautiful clearing with grass that's just been fed by a misty morning light fall of rain. And these tall trees that were like, you know, these beautiful sisters and brothers of the forest that we were in. It's just the backyard, but it's just this gorgeous clearing. And they were… they created this beautiful cathedral space, this natural cathedral. And within this clearing was a circle of family and friends. And in the center of that circle of celebration was my son who was turning 13 at the time. And we were celebrating what we were calling his emergence so we called it an Emergence Ceremony. And he had actually chosen this particular town because it was a town that is known for its inclusivity. He identifies as gay but also gender… I'm probably gonna get this wrong, but… not just gender fluid but all-inclusive, right? Like he’s like a he and a she, and it doesn’t matter which one, it’s like whatever you see him as. And this particular place in Pennsylvania... so it's like New Hope, Pennsylvania… we found this, this house that we can invite everyone to. And in this ceremony,we just celebrated his crossing over the threshold from adolescence up from childhood into adolescence, in his own beautiful, special way. So that… that was that was… the that's the setting for that weekend.

Thomas: Can I ask, was the ceremony his idea? Was it your idea? Did you come up with it together?

Cantor: We created it together. It was definitely a collaborative process. And that was important to all of us, that it was a group effort. 

Ezra had been following his older brother through Hebrew school with the goal of reaching his bar mitzvah. While the process had gone smoothly for his brother, for Ezra it has been a continual struggle. He had tried to tell his parents many times that he didn’t want to go to Hebrew school, because he just didn’t feel like he belonged there. But continuing the Jewish tradition and lineage was very important to his father. Finally, he was at the finish line with only one last year to go. 

Cantor: This was when he approached me and said, “Mom, I'm not… I'm not going through it, I do not want to do this bar mitzvah. It's not who I am. And it's not an expression of me.” And I just sort of like, I heard him. You know, my heart really heard him and I knew that he would have to tell his dad who would be really disappointed. And he also knew that too. But you know, when I prepared my husband, I said, like, “Just… when he tells you what he's going to tell you just really listen, like, Listen with your heart as what he's saying.” And so once he got the message from our son, it was a bit of a relief. You know, I think that's what my husband would say. It's like, there was a relief to it of like, all right, right? We're not struggling anymore. And we heard them and we're like, “Okay.” So we all took a deep breath. And thanked him, and then of course, informed the family because we also knew it was important to his grandparents, right. And I think to most Jewish people, it's important, right, that we have some sort of lineage that keeps this tradition up. But because we're such a tight family, too, we also want to honor just the growth of family and the growth of the individual on their own personal journey. And that being said, my husband and I both agreed, you still need some sort of rite of passage, like that's important that… you know, this is your time. Let's… let's figure out something we don't know what that looks like yet, but this still calls for some sort of rite of passage. And that's how it started.

Thomas: Wow, that phrase really, really caught me when you said my heart heard him. Because there's so many conversations we can have with people where the communication does not actually get down that far and drop into our hearts because there's so much… so many other levels at which we operate.

Cantor: Yeah, and think about all the times that we had not really heard him for all those years.

And the struggle, yeah. 

Thomas: And that he persevered. So… I wish that for all… all youth to persevere and so till others can… can really hear.

Cantor: Yeah.

Ezra spent the summer preparing for the ceremony. He engaged in spiritual study, put energy toward a service project, and created and made it through a significant personal challenge. The entire family was looking forward to being there to celebrate him on the day of his official emergence. But out of the blue, the family learned that Ezra’s grandpa on his father’s side wouldn’t be able to come because of health issues. His not being there was a huge deal for the family. Everyone was devastated. April knew that she had to hold space for this additional piece, this loss for the entire family. So she began to gather resources to help her honor both things at once - the joy and the grief. And in her search, she came upon a Shame Piñata and heard our episode called “Inviting Grief to the Wedding”.

Cantor:  I just was blown away, I was like, “Oh, this is exactly what I was looking for!” And just hearing your voice was so encouraging… And then, I mean… in one in particular, this one episode you did, I'm forgetting the person that was a wedding planner and they had talked about including grief as part of the celebration ceremony and it was such a powerful episode.That was super helpful, just hearing that particular episode.

Thomas: How did you weave those together on the day?

Cantor: The morning of the whole ceremony, right? We're talking like it happened on a Saturday. Early that morning, we got a call. And it was a call from my mother-in-law and through tears, she had mentioned that they had to move him into hospice. And we all knew what that meant. And it was hard, you know? It was just a really profound moment. There was crying. There was also doubt about: Should we continue with this? Should we just cancel this? Do we need to fly out today? You know, there's all these questions about what do, we have all these people here. And it was so clear from the discussion with my mother-in-law and father-in-law, who was coherent at the time, they were like, “You must continue this journey for your son. It is imperative that you continue this ceremony. We want you to continue it.” And then… “Please have it. And then whenever you can, like as soon as possible, make it down.” Right? So we went through it. We did it. We just kind of, like, gathered everything we could as far as like just our composure, just adrenaline kicked in. And then we just sort of, like, went through as if, you know, we had to just sort of compartmentalize that for a little bit and then just say, “This is what's happening. Thank you for everyone just holding space for us. We're going to continue with this. But we're also going to hold space for this other thing that's happening.” So when I greeted everyone in the… into circle, and by the way, those who were present were just intimate, close family members. My son made it clear that he did not want a huge Bar Mitzvah the way that his older brother had had, that he really just wanted, like his grandparents there, his aunts and uncles, some close family, friends, and then his, his crew… his crew. And so there was, you know, us in a circle in this beautiful place. And once we had that little procession in, with our drums and our shakers, we greeted each other. And then I proceeded to ask everyone to just hold their hearts for a moment and take a deep breath in. And to breathe in all the joy that we're feeling. And then to also acknowledge the fact that there are some important people that weren't able to join us here in circle. But we know that just by connecting our hearts out to them and sending our deep breaths that we might encourage deeper breaths wherever they are, and to welcome in… them into our space as if they were here. Because we know in spirit that they are. And any of the grief, any of the pain that we are feeling at this moment, we could just honor it, feel it, just give us ourselves a chance to cry about it if we want at this moment. And whatever's coming ahead of time, we don't know. But we can also just be present with what is. And let's put this grief in a little boat on a river that's just gently, you know, if we use our imaginations just flowing beautifully behind us to hold this space for us, we can let it drift on this little boat, and we can pick it up down the shore a little bit but let it take its own journey while we hold the space for celebration. For as much as we can feel this pain, we can also hold the same amount of joy. And that's that was the wish we know… from directly from Jack and Mimi, this is what they wanted. So that's how we said it and I would not have had that language had I not listened to Shame Piñata.

Thomas: Oh my goodness. I was just thinking how incredibly beautiful it is the way that you put that and was brought tears to my eyes just just to… just such a deep honoring of, of, of life, that is grief and joy and our capacity to be able to drop into both. Thank you so much for sharing those words with us today. 

Cantor: My pleasure.

[MUSIC]

It's wonderful to have you here! If you’re inspired by the topics we cover, consider sharing your story about how you marked an important life transition. You can do that by sending us a message through our website Shame Piñata dot com. And thanks. 

Cantor: So the ceremony happened. It was amazing. We had set that space and woven into that some wisdom sharings, right, with everyone. You know, the grandparents, at least my parents, were there. They gave their their part. Aunts and uncles and the friends even were asked to like… what are… what are the things that you want to tell Ezra, you know, that is his, like something that you feel like he needs to know at this time. Right? That's… that was the basic question. And then everyone got to share. Because it was important that it wasn't just led by me right that this ceremony was an expression of how we all have the capacity to hold space. We all have the capacity to let our hearts be listened to. And then we all have the capacity to share wisdom. We also did some sort of like, you know, there's always… It's not a good ritual without some sort of like, sacred drama, right? So we we put him… we wrapped him in this like butcher paper. So he's like literally in a cocoon. And you know, we were like “Okay, so here's Ezra…” Like he had to go through this transformation from this little caterpillar into his now chrysalis, but he's ready to come out. And of course, like the great song, the “I'm Coming Out” song was what I played. 

Thomas: Amazing. Wow. [LAUGHS]

Cantor: But before that happened, like he was… We were drumming and we were like, the song is one of those songs that you might hear a lot in circle, which is like “I'm opening up to the sweet surrender to luminous love light of the One.” And just like letting him struggle a little bit in this really wrapped cocoon that he's in and then to eventually like little by little in his own way he starts to like break out of it. [LAUGHS] And then his… we had entrusted some of his aunties to become his fairy godmothers. And they gave him his wings. So he… literally we bought like these Isis wings that light up and so he got to, like, wear that and then like he flew around the circle and was just this like… just this beautiful, expansive butterfly just flying around the circle and giving high fives to everybody. [LAUGHS] And it was just such a celebration that we could still have all of that, you know, in this very encapsulated moment of time. Like we knew it was special when the photographer who was really only supposed to be there for a certain amount of time, like literally just expanded his time there. And he kept saying, Thank you, thank you for inviting me to this space. I know I witnessed something really special.

[MUSIC]

After the ceremony happened, the family raced back to be with Ezra’s grandfather for his last moments. They arrived about two or three hours before his passing. He had waited for them.

Cantor: And that was the night of the big eclipse two years ago. And I know we’ve just finished one big eclipse portal just recently, but like, wow, it’s so… Things happening on such an astrological level really like it was as if this was a huge portal of time, of literally combing through some new part of ourselves. I was so grateful to have had that… It's almost like the ceremony expanded into that space. So from that larger circle, we had the smaller circle, where we were gathered around his bedside in the hospital. And just you know, having breaths with him, we were able to tell him how much we loved him and give him a you know, a recap of what happened at the ceremony. We were even able to get his little thumbprint on this like family tree thing that we did every collected everyone's thumb prints on so his thumb prints on there. And then he shed one last tear, took his last breath. And while we were holding his hand or at some part of his body, we… you know, witnessed his last breath. And that was it, right like that was… there was silence and then crying. And then I just remember the bright moon outside once we had to leave the hospital. But it all felt whole in some way. So glad that he waited for us.

Thomas: And that's, that's so beautiful. Thank you for sharing that with us.

Cantor: Thank you for hearing that. And so right, ceremonies can be big and they can be small.

Thomas: And they can be planned out and they can be instantaneous. 

Cantor: Yep. Yeah. 

Thomas: Well, I'm so grateful to you for sharing the story with us because I think we all need more examples that could potentially spark, “Oh, wow, that or that little aspect of that… that's exactly what I'm looking for right now!” So thank you.

Cantor: Thank you Colleen, seriously. 

Thank you for being with us today to hear this story. It’s so important to make room for all of the layers of life that often overlap in real time. When we honor that richness, we create room for our full selves. And when our full selves are invited, who knows what will happen? So, how are you emerging right now? And how might you like to celebrate that emergence?

April Cantor is a certified yoga & mindfulness teacher and modern-day priestess. Through her company SoulShine Life she holds sacred space for children, women and men to cultivate a curious & kind relationship with Self, Community, Land & Source. For guidance in creating your own Emergence Ceremony you can contact April through her website at www.SoulShineLIfe.com or directly through Instagram @SoulShineLifeYoga

Our music is by Terry Hughes. Find us on YouTube, IG and X at shamepinata. Reach us through our website, shamepinata dot com. And subscribe to the show on your favorite player. Also be sure to check out Everyday Magic for Ukraine, our ongoing series of 10-minute meditations that support you as you support Ukraine. I’m Colleen Thomas. Thanks for listening. 

P.S. Get up to 2 months of free podcasting service with Libsyn. Check out the show notes for your promo code to get started podcasting today.

S5 E5 Baptism as a Rite of Passage (Tina Torres)

Episode Summary

Being part of a religious or spiritual community can be a wonderful support in life. Shared customs and traditions can bring comfort, connection, and a shared experience of the Divine. But what role does ritual play in all of this and how does it help us connect to the Divine? Join us for an exploration of Baptism as a Rite of Passage - from both sides of the pulpit.

Episodes by Topic

→ Episodes on Rites of Passage: https://ever-changing.net/rites-of-passage 

→ Episodes on Authentic Weddings: https://ever-changing.net/authentic-weddings 

→ Episodes on Grief & Loss: https://ever-changing.net/grief-loss 

→ Episodes on Challenging Times: https://ever-changing.net/challenging-times 

 

Support the Show

→ Subscribe In Your Favorite Player: https://kite.link/shamepinata 

→ Rate & Review: https://ever-changing.net/rate-sp 

 

About the Show

Shame Piñata is hosted by Ritual Artist Colleen Thomas, a Certified Meditation and Mindfulness teacher who helps people make sense of life through ceremony. Music by Terry Hughes.

 

Listen If

→ You’re feeling stuck

→ You’re going through a tough time

→ Something significant has happened and no one gets it


Love Shame Piñata?
Subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Follow on Spotify
Follow on Instagram | Connect on Facebook
Join us for a Ceremony | Follow on Podchaser


 
 

Full Transcript

Torres: This is a public demonstration of what's actually happened already in them, that they have  recognized Christ and received forgiveness. 

Thomas: So the person had their experience with Christ in their own self and then chooses to have the Baptism sacrament and is publicly...

Torres: Right. It's a public testimony. Yes, public witness.

Being part of a religious or spiritual community can be a wonderful support in life. Shared customs and traditions can bring comfort, connection, and a shared experience of the Divine. But what role does ritual play in all of this and how does it help us connect to the Divine?

This is Shame Piñata. I’m Colleen Thomas. Welcome to Shame Piñata, where we talk about creating rites of passage for real-life transitions. We often speak about using ritual as a tool for personal transformation, but today we’ll will focus our attention on the use of ritual within one particular religion: Christianity. This journey will actually take us through several traditions within Christianity to explore how they feel about ritual and how they use it. Two of the rituals we will delve into today the most deeply are baptism and communion. If you are familiar with Christian traditions, especially Protestant ones, you will most likely have had some kind of exposure to one or both of these rituals. If you’re new to them, then you’ll have a chance to learn all about them today.

Joining us for our conversation is friend of the podcast Tina Torres. And when I say friend of the podcast, I mean long-term friend of the podcast. Tina has been one of Shame Piñata’s main cheerleaders ever since day one - and this conversation is one that she and I have been meaning to have for almost that long. 

As a bit of background on where I’m coming from as the interviewer today, I grew up in Christianity but never fully felt I understood it, so I’ve been grateful to speak with Tina over the years about her lifetime of experience, including cross-cultural experience, withшт the Christian tradition.

Rituals within the Christian tradition are often called sacraments. Here’s a definition from Britannica: Sacrament: Religious sign or symbol, especially associated with Christian churches, in which a sacred or spiritual power is believed to be transmitted through material elements viewed as channels of divine grace. At the start of our conversation, Tina gave me the lay of the land on how the various denominations are related to one another and how they each feel about the concept of sacraments. 

Torres: Roman Catholic and Eastern Orthodox are very… we'd call it ritualistic. They have a lot of ritual. They actually have seven sacraments. They have infant baptism, confirmation, communion, matrimony, reconciliation, holy orders, and last rites. And Protestant have two. They only have communion and baptism. Mainstream… mainstream would be like Presbyterian, Methodist, Episcopalian, Lutheran, Anglicans in the UK. And then among the evangelicals, you have Baptist, Pentecostal, Assembly of God, and also many independent churches that are non-denominational.

Thomas: Got it. So it sounds like there's a distinction between mainstream…

Torres: …and evangelical, yes. So Protestantism is very… it's a big umbrella. So you’ve got your mainstream who tend to be more… well, let's just say more ritualistic. And then your evangelical is less. They don't have prescribed prayers… There's more of a formal order in the Episcopalian, Methodist, Presbyterian than the evangelicals. The evangelicals are more free-form. 

Thomas: So is it true that we get sort of less prescribed or less formatted or ritualistic as we go from Catholicism to mainstream to evangelical?

Torres: That’s right. Exactly. Yep.

Thomas:: Okay, I'm getting the… I'm getting the pattern.

Torres: …gettin’ the drift here, yeah. And then you also have the other kind of main group would be, for instance, the Society of Friends, the Quakers, and the Anabaptists. This is regarding sacraments. They believe the two sacraments are merely reminders or commendable practices, but they do not import actual grace. They call them ordinances. So they don't give them the spiritual significance that your mainstream and your evangelicals do.

Thomas: That's interesting. 

Torres: Yeah, it is interesting. There's a lot of history here too. [LAUGHS]

Thomas: A lot of history. 

Torres: And very interesting too, because in some cases, the sacraments: baptism and communion, have been the causes of almost civil wars in Protestantism, which is kind of crazy. I studied that… I got that in seminary and you know, in a Christian history course. And it's like, how is that possible? You know, the Anabaptists are very vehemently against baptism and so they do not commune with the Baptists or the Presbyterians. Anabaptist also would be like Mennonite.

Thomas: Interesting.

Torres: A fascinating subject isn't? To me it is. [LAUGHS]

Thomas: Well then what makes something a sacrament? 

Torres: I found a definition by St. Augustine of Hippo. He was from Africa, Northern Africa. He called it “An outward sign of an inward grace that was instituted by Jesus Christ”. So it's an outward sign of an inward reality. 

Thomas: And is that a definition that you would use yourself or that you… that resonates for you? 

Torres: It does, it does because it's something that you do. It's symbolic, it's a ritual. But you know, for instance, in baptism, in adult baptism, the adult is between two other people, and that the person is dunked, you know, into the water which symbols their old life and then they go into the water of spirit and then they come up to their new life when they come up out of the water. 

Thomas: Nice. 

Torres: Yeah, it is. It's beautiful. It's very moving. 

[MUSIC]

Thanks so much for being here! Shame Piñata is here to encourage and inspire you. Please consider supporting our work by rating and reviewing the show in your favorite podcast player. This is a wonderful way to support the show because it helps people discover us who could benefit. If you’ve never actually written a podcast review before, no worries! Go to shamepinata dot com and we’ll walk you through it. Just click on “Rate this Podcast”.

So as you can see, there is a wide variety in how sacraments are utilized within different traditions. And those differences kind of denote how these groups are different from one another. So let’s look now at what it’s like to live and breathe within these communities. Tina is the perfect guide because she’s lived and worked within a wide variety of Christian traditions, beginning as a child in her family’s church that in her words was “sort of fundamentalist, sort of Baptist”. And then on into her time in Mexico when she was part of an Evangelical non-denominational community. And later in life when she attended a Presbyterian seminary, and becoming a pastor, and up to today when she’s part of a small home church that meets informally. I asked her to walk me through her journey.

Torres: Well, looking back, and to many years, I believe God was leading me into different areas. And so, you know, for quite… from when I was about 18 to 30. I was in a prodigal stage. So I did not go to church at all. I rejected it totally. And then had kind of a spiritual crisis when I was 30 and realized that… I needed God, and I needed forgiveness. And because I was, I was kind of a mess. I was depressed, I was drinking. And then, at one point, I said, you know, I just can't go on like this. And I started to remember and I thought, you know, maybe, maybe that God thing is not not so bad. Maybe I better check it out again. So I did. And that was when I actually called on God, asked for forgiveness and felt that I had been forgiven and felt the presence of Christ. And I was about 30 at that time. So it's been since then. Yeah, it was, it was dramatic. It was... So it's kind of the difference between following when I was a kid, you know, they tell you to do this, go to Sunday school, go to church, learn the verses, learn this… And I did all that, but it kind of was in the head. It was all in the head, not in my heart. It was a long journey, many years. And so I was baptized in Mexico, probably around age 30, I think. 

Thomas: Had you been baptized also as a child? 

Torres: No, because in the non-denominational group, they did not believe in infant baptism. They would do baby dedications, but there was no baptism, there was no oil, there was no water sprinkling or anything. It was just praying to dedicate the parents, dedicate to bringing up the child - which is a good thing. But it wasn't a ritual let's put it that way. I was brought up in a non ritualistic… and this is funny too, because I was brought up in that context where they said, “Oh no, written prayers. You know, they don't really mean anything because it's not… it's not  spontaneous.” So there was a kind of a Christianity and had ritual involved to it. They thought that was less sincere than the freewheeling non-denominational, if that makes sense. God brought me or I ended up at the Presbyterian Church. I really like the ritualistic I really like the reverence. I like the… I like the rituals! And there definitely are rituals in the Presbyterian Church. And so they do infant baptism. They do, of course, adult baptism, and communion is taken very seriously. They believe that something… and I believe something… really happens when you take the bread and the wine. Whereas the group that I was brought up with, they said, “Oh, yeah, we'll do communion. But it's just… it doesn't… nothing really happens. It's just kind of a memorial thing. It's, you know, remembering, but nothing really happens.” And I'm like… [makes doubting noise] I guess I guess I wasn't convinced or I didn't know. But later in the Presbyterian, I understand that something does happen when you take communion. Yeah. It's very interesting. 

Thomas: You've been the one doing that communion, right, as the pastor.  

Torres: That's right. Yeah. As a pastor, I did. Yes. Mm hmm. Yeah. And actually, you know, home church, they asked me… I'm the one who… who does… presides over the communion when we do it once a month, the first Sunday of the month. And I have a shawl from Mexico that they use, and they like that, they say… Because one time I said, “Well, here's my shawl, but I don't want to stand out as being different for everybody else.” And they said, “No, use it. We like it. It adds to the whole communion thing.” So I said, “Okay, fine.”

Thomas: Right. And in the doing of a sacred ritual like that, it's nice to have, you know, have it be a special moment have somebody wearing a special something… because I feel like that's what's so beautiful about ritual is that we can… we can drink a coffee because we're drinking coffee or we can make it a moment where we are remembering our grandmother who used to drink this coffee, and maybe we will put out, you know, the tablecloth that the grandmother made…

Torres: Yes, exactly…. and the china. That is true. I'm getting to like rituals more under your influence, Colleen, and it's very good. [LAUGHS]

Thomas: They allow us to have that moment of the numinous…

Torres: …specilaness. It's not an ordinary moment. 

Thomas: Right. 

Torres: Not an ordinary moment. Right. 

Thomas: Exactly. 

Torres: And it can mark a certain passage or something, things like that, too. Like baptism is a huge one.

Thomas: Totally. So you've done baptisms also, haven’t you?

Torres: I have. Yes, I have. In a river, Sacramento River, we did we did one there. You can do it also in a swimming pool. People have done that, you know, any body of water, but a river is kind of nice, you know. Some people do it in a spa kind of thing. But I like the river. I like the the nature…the natural water, body of water. 

Thomas: Absolutely. And I'm just curious if you have any reflections on how it's been to be on, like quote unquote, the other side of those rituals as the one performing them. 

Torres: It's very exciting and it's important to be “prayed up” to use an expression… before. To make sure that I'm in a place… really, of close communion with God in order to do that. Because it's a big responsibility. Yeah, you're really doing something very meaningful, very spiritual and so you want to give it all the importance, all the time, all the preparation. And it's very exciting. It totally is. My first baptism I did was an adult baptism… was at Lake Tahoe. We were at a retreat, a church retreat, and there was another pastor there and myself and, and me. And so the two of us baptized several people at that time, a young man and his dad… maybe five or six people. And it is really neat, because you kind of start with prayer and then each person generally says something about their journey with God, a brief thing, testimony about how they met the Lord and how that changed their life. And then when you go into the baptism, it's a visual thing of the old life, and then you come up to the new life. So it's very beautiful. 

Thomas: As the leader of this ritual, the sacrament do you tell people who've just been baptized, like, you know, “Go home, drink a lot of water. Go home, pray for a week…” Like is there aftercare [LAUGHS] after a baptism?

Torres: Not as such. There's more preparation, meeting with the people before and saying, “This is what this means.” And asking them how their encounter with God and how it happened and what it meant so that they realized that this is a public demonstration of what's actually happened already in them, that they have  recognized Christ and received forgiveness. And this is a step of obedience because Jesus… when he told the disciples he told them to baptize, “Go ye into all the world baptizing and making disciples in the name of the Father and the Son in the Holy Spirit”. So that is the… where Jesus institutes the baptism. 

Thomas: Got it. So the person had their experience with Christ in their own self and then chooses to have the Baptism s acrament and is publicly, with people bearing witness to the fact that they are making this choice, and… yeah, yeah.

Torres: Exactly. Right. It's a public testimony. Public witness. And it is very meaningful. And if you do it, it's interesting, outside - well it's best done outside at a, you know, by the river or something - and people will come over and say, “Hey, what's going on,” you know? So it kind of starts…. Sometimes people are curious about what's happening and it's just really exciting. And really, the person being baptized, it's very, super… there's, when you come up out of the water, there's this kind of sense of euphoria and spiritual exultation. You know what I'm saying? It's very, it's a very powerful experience. Very powerful. 

Thomas: Right. That's very beautiful. 

Torres: It is, it is. Yep.

Thomas: Well, thank you for sharing these insights and learnings and your wisdom and your journey with me today. 

Torres: No, thank you. It's a privilege!

I love that Tina was able to give us a look into communion and baptism, arguably the two most well known Protestant rituals, from both sides of the pulpit. And I hope you could hear her genuine excitement and joy at being part of religious community - transcendent of denomination. Over the coming week. I invite you to reflect on the definition she shared of sacrament as “an outward sign of an inner grace”. That’s pretty much what a ritual is, right? Something we do on the outside that signals a change we’ve made on the inside. How cool is that? 

Tina Torres spent seven years as the pastor of a Spanish-speaking congregation in West Sacramento. She is a Spanish-English translator and interpreter with a passion for languages and background in Mexican culture and customs. Our music is by Terry Hughes. Find us on YouTube, IG and X at shamepinata. Reach us through our website, shamepinata dot com. And subscribe to the show on your favorite player. Also be sure to check out Everyday Magic for Ukraine, short 10-minute weekly meditations that support you as you support Ukraine. I’m Colleen Thomas. Thanks for listening.

P.S. Get up to 2 months of free podcasting service with Libsyn. Check out the show notes for your promo code to get started podcasting today.

S5 E4 Blooming Amidst the War - Pt 2 (Alina Zievakova)

Episode Summary

Imagine being able to attend a bold and beautiful theater performance that gives voice to a path you might know all too well, a path of healing from the impacts of violence or trauma. Imagine what that might feel like in your core, to see someone go on a journey similar to yours and get to the other side of it. (This is part 2 of a 2-part interview with Alina Zievakova of ProEnglish Theatre of Ukraine.)

Episode Resources

→ Blooming - Watch the Performance (47:49)
https://www.scenesaver.co.uk/production/bloom-in-violence/
(Registration is free and only takes a few minutes)

→ Part 1 of This Interview: https://ever-changing.net/episodes/s5-e3-blooming-amidst-the-war-pt-1

Episodes by Topic

→ Episodes on Rites of Passage: https://ever-changing.net/rites-of-passage 

→ Episodes on Authentic Weddings: https://ever-changing.net/authentic-weddings 

→ Episodes on Grief & Loss: https://ever-changing.net/grief-loss 

→ Episodes on Challenging Times: https://ever-changing.net/challenging-times 

 

Support the Show

→ Subscribe In Your Favorite Player: https://kite.link/shamepinata 

→ Rate & Review: https://ever-changing.net/rate-sp 

 

About the Show

Shame Piñata is hosted by Ritual Artist Colleen Thomas, a Certified Meditation and Mindfulness teacher who helps people make sense of life through ceremony. Music by Terry Hughes.

 

Listen If

→ You’re feeling stuck

→ You’re going through a tough time

→ Something significant has happened and no one gets it


Love Shame Piñata?
Subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Follow on Spotify
Follow on Instagram | Connect on Facebook
Join us for a Ceremony | Follow on Podchaser


 
 

Full Transcript

Zievakova: Women come at different stages of going through their own trauma and some come saying that, “I'm so glad that I am at the end of the journey now. I came through all this way and you have shown it to me, how I have done it actually, and now I can realize it.” Or there are women who are just at the beginning and it's usually tough for them seeing the show, but at the same time, it does give this, you know, small push of hope if I can call it this way, that at least you're not alone and at least there are people around who are ready to help and ready to be there for you.

Imagine being able to attend a bold and beautiful theater performance that gives voice to a path you might know all too well, a path of healing from the impacts of violence or trauma. Imagine what that might feel like in your core, to see someone go on a journey similar to yours and get to the other side of it. This is Shame Piñata. I’m Colleen Thomas. Welcome to Shame Piñata, where we talk about creating rites of passage for real-life transitions. 

If you joined us for last month’s episode, you heard all about a unique theatrical performance that honors the journey of finding a way forward after trauma or violence. Ukrainian film and theater actress Alina Zievakova was our guide for that conversation. She told us about a show called Blooming, produced by ProEnglish Theatre of Ukraine. Blooming was created by three women: Alina, who is the lead in the show, Jasmine Sotelo, the choreographer who also appears onstage, and director Anabell Ramirez.

It all began right after russia’s full-scale invasion, when Alina and Anabell decided to volunteer their time to work as fixers. That meant that they accompanied foreign journalists who were in Ukraine documenting war crimes. In that role they witnessed some intense stories of gender-based violence and both felt very strongly that they needed to do something with all of the knowledge they gained through hearing those stories. And since theater was their strongest instrument, they decided to create a performance about it. Today I’m happy to welcome Alina back to tell us more about Blooming. We’ll touch on the uniquely Ukrainian symbolism in the show, how the show was received by the survivors who attended, and we’ll also explore the cultural differences that came up during the show’s European tour. Here’s a bit more now of our interview. 

Thomas: I have a question   I'd love to switch gears and ask you, which is, if there are any, what are some of the uniquely Ukrainian elements in the show?

Zievakova: Sure, there are a couple. So you can see on the poster, there's a hand and there is a little embroidery on it and this is actually what we do during this show. Jasmine is painting my hand. And this painting is supposed to symbolize this embroidery that is traditional to Ukraine, that is usually put on the shirts and people are wearing it on special occasions on holidays. But lately since our… you know nationality, and our survival is crucial for us, a lot of people just wear it everyday and it has become a fashion trend to incorporate those embroidery into, I don't know, hoodies and t-shirts and whatever, just regular clothes, which I found cool. I own couple of those. [LAUGHS] But yeah, for us, it's like… it's also you know, kind of symbolic that she does it on my wrist where there is… there are veins and it also feels like you know it's in my blood, in your blood. And it also kind of transcends and connects both the nationality aspect of it and cultural Ukrainian aspect of it with the broader or much deeper sense of… because she does it you… also before the really strong emotional moment in the performance and it feels like initiation as well. And it also the lights turns red and the Ukrainian song that starts at the moment, the first words of the song says крові, which means blood, give me blood. And yeah, this is one of them. And also while the song is in Ukrainian and there are a couple of moments when Jasmine's character speaks Ukrainian and they are kind of you know, spells somehow, even though it's not supposed to be, but they fit and they sound… and I guess they were more of like a prayer more of like this, half pagan, half Christian which is very broadly how our culture is based on there are both pagan elements and Christian elements. She's also whispering it so it sounds like this healing spell in some way. And the fun fact is that, well, the book itself, the Daughter, it's rather rough, rather, you know, masculine energy book about the start of the war actually in 2014 in Donbas, and the main character is a woman who becomes a volunteer for the armed forces. And the… what surprised us a lot is this excerpt that we have you know, of this kind of magical stuff are from there so, she… in the hardest moments of her life, she does address these powers that are you know… The last monologue of the performance is that… “the truth is on your side, your kith and kin are on your side, the dead or on your side and the unborn too” So there's this you know, tribal almost power that we possess and if you access it, there is nothing that in the world that can beat you. And this is kind of one of the important messages that we incorporate it into performance. And we wanted to pass it along as much as possible to men, women. It doesn't matter in this case, to humans. And to give this extra support whenever it's needed.

Thomas: Do you know if any of the survivors that you worked with, when you were first in the field have gotten to see the performance?

Zievakova: Not that I'm aware of. But you know, the horrifying and at the same time, very important fact is that, after every performance survivors come to us and tell us that thank you so much for telling the story in such a way. I felt seen, I felt heard, I felt that I'm not alone. And they felt like there is a way out. Or they're… Women come at different stages of going through their own trauma and some come saying that, “I'm so glad that I am at the end of the journey now. I came through all this way and you have shown it to me, how I have done it actually, and now I can realize it,” or there are women who are just at the beginning. And it's usually tough for them seeing the show, but at the same time, it does give this, you know, small push of hope, if I can call it this way, that at least you're not alone and at least there are people around who are ready to help and ready to be there for you.

Thomas: Yeah, and I would imagine people who can step into it, who are stepping into it on stage who are representing it, who are… who are not afraid of it, who are not frozen by it, who have movement within it, all of those pieces.

Zievakova: And not only movement within it, but it's a validation of absolutely different states of it of this nonlinear process. And people usually again, at least in Ukraine, of what I can see, or what I can judge, people are afraid to show you know, quote unquote, negative emotions, to show aggression, grief, struggle... You always have to… as if you always have to put a mask and pretend that, “Everything is fine, I'm just going through it, I'm not going to address it, I'm shoveling it under the carpet.” And that's what I personally find very important in the show is that any of the states is fine and okay… and any one of us can be in the state and we can still be us and we can be beautiful in that. And that is one of the, I guess, greatest and most important lessons I have learned on my personal journey and what I find crucial to share in anything I do.

Thomas: Absolutely. And did you go through any rites of passage, as… personally or professionally as you've been working with the show?

Zievakova: I guess for me it also is kind of a special closure of my own experience with violence. And it has been such a special way to address it through art. And I'm so lucky to have this instrument that I have to transform the pain into art. And I guess that would be it because one of the monologues is written by me in the show and I find it very special to have this privilege and opportunity to share it and to… to feel how it resonates with others which also has been absolutely opening. And again, whenever we talk about violence and survivors and there is a lot of shame, hence we are in Shame Piñata podcast. It was so important for me to share what I feel and thus to, again to validate, to show that there is no place for shame in such deep experiences. 

[MUSIC]

Thomas: So what did we not touch on that you think it’s important to mention?

Zievakova: I guess I would like to mention the difference in perception because it's kind of curious with the different countries. It's interesting that whenever we perform it in Ukraine, people tend to laugh more easily, because there are a couple of… you know, relieving, funny moments, improvisation moments in the show. And for us, it also was crucial to include something like that so the show does not feel too overwhelming and too hard to process. And well, there are some specific cultural codes. Coming back to the question of the you know, specific Ukrainian references, there is a monologue about food and there is a mention of borsch which is a traditional Ukrainian dish and people here usually tend to react on it because they know very well what it is about. And yeah… And in general, it's so curious as just, you know, anthropological, sociological observation whenever we were going through and touring through countries, especially at the very beginning, somewhere in the summer of 2022, autumn… people were so afraid to laugh, because… I also find it fascinating, because, again, whenever we're talking about harsh topics, like trauma, violence, grief, it's also as far as I can observe, those topics are not super easy to address. And it is such a joy when people do laugh, when even though you know, the contexts or cultural contexts are different, but some things are universally, you know, funny, and we can share that and laugh it out together. And that has been great because, for us, it is crucial not to be perceived only as a victim, you know, we are suffering and we're being attacked, but also, as you know, strong, courageous humans. And a nation that you know, can fight back and sometimes to laugh it out is a way to resist, is a way to fight back. So now it has been really cool to see. And in general, it's interesting that again, when we were just starting it in Kyiv, and whenever we perform in here… it depends, of course, but usually the audience would be more tense than in countries abroad, especially during the you know, harsh moments,  during the rather dramatic moments of the show. And in the contrast, whenever we are in the countries of the European Union or the countries of the Northern Europe, they tend to be… well, they do acknowledge that dramaticness of the moment or the harshness, but they seem to, to have a more… more adjusted way to talk about it. So it feels okay to bring up these topics and to discuss them even though it's not easy. And even we have a very contrast and vivid example in Sweden. We were in Stockholm this September. And we had two shows, one with Ukrainian audience because we have been hosted by a Ukrainian organization and they have brought a lot of their guys just to, you know, attend the show. And the second show was mostly Swedish audience or international audience that attendance on the festival. And you can… you can feel the energy the difference and well, it is long journey and we are happy to contribute in any way we can to to make shifts in that regard.

Thomas: So could you say more about what was the difference between those two performances from the audience?

Zievakova: So again, with Ukrainian audience here or there… especially there… the Ukrainian refugees or people who have moved even prior to full scale invasion, they, they feel more tense because there is this survivor's guilt, there is this desire to help, but at the same time being far away and being in the safety also that is a huge contributor of guilt and of this survivor's guilt. And, you know, people tend to… what I have noticed personally, tend to perceive the news, even more serious or to over-work themselves on the volunteer field more, because they feel that they need to, you know, over-capacitate themselves in order to… to contribute. And it's interesting that on the contrary, people in Ukraine, whenever I don't know the… we have a missile attack or something happens, we tend to perceive it lightly because it, first of all, it is already engraved and incorporated into our routine, our reality. But at the same time, we need to, otherwise we won't be able to handle it every time. And it's interesting that the same happens with for example, with us and with people who are on the front line, we tend to perceive what is happening there, of course, differently than the people who are in action. And that's why I guess also the humor is… sometimes very dark one… is born. And yeah, it's an interesting, also, contrast and difference.

Thomas: I appreciate you saying that. It's like the layers of how close we are to a tragedy or to a very hard experience. And I think I see myself in the survivor's guilt piece, even though I'm not a Ukrainian refugee. But, I think I recognize myself in there somehow.

Zievakova: And that's why I think it's so… it's super important to talk about it and to raise it and to just to make sure that we all have our role and the be… the distance from the epicenter of advance has no difference in impact. It all is, you know, one of my favorite metaphors is that we all are drops of the ocean. And each one each of these drops is crucial for the ocean to function.

Thomas: Yes, well said. Wow. Well, I'm so grateful to have had this time to talk to you and to get to… get to share you with the word, with… with my little corner of the world.

Zievakova: Thank you so much. It is absolutely incredible and exciting to be a part of the show.

You don’t have to go to the basement of ProEnglish Theatre of Ukraine to see Blooming, and you don’t need to wait until it comes to your town on tour. You can see it online right now. Find the link in the show notes. Thank you for joining us for this important conversation today. I’ll leave you with pretty much the only thing I can think to say… Слава Україні.

Alina Zievakova is a film and theatre actress and acting coach from Ukraine. She premiered as a female lead in the film "Rhino" at the Venice Film Festival. However, since the February 24, 2022 russian full-scale war in Ukraine, she has been acting in socially-relevant theatre pieces and creating stress-relief workshops.  

Our music is by Terry Hughes. Find us on YouTube, IG and X at shamepinata. And subscribe to the show on your favorite player. Also be sure to check out our new 10-part series 10 Minutes for Your Heart, Meditations for Ukrainians. Find it a 10minutesforyourheart.com. I’m Colleen Thomas. Thanks for listening.

P.S. Get up to 2 months of free podcasting service with Libsyn. Check out the show notes for your promo code to get started podcasting today.

S5 E3 Blooming Amidst the War - Pt 1 (Alina Zievakova)

Episode Summary

Imagine having a silent witness, a partner who is with you all the time, even when you go through the hardest moments of your life. Imagine not being alone but instead being held, accompanied, supported. What might that feel like in your heart, in your body, in your bones? (This is part 1 of a 2-part interview with Alina Zievakova of ProEnglish Theatre of Ukraine.)

Episode Resources

→ Blooming - Watch the Performance (47:49)
https://www.scenesaver.co.uk/production/bloom-in-violence/
(Registration is free and only takes a few minutes)

→ Part 2 of This Interview: https://ever-changing.net/episodes/s5-e4-blooming-amidst-the-war-pt-2

Episodes by Topic

→ Episodes on Rites of Passage: https://ever-changing.net/rites-of-passage 

→ Episodes on Authentic Weddings: https://ever-changing.net/authentic-weddings 

→ Episodes on Grief & Loss: https://ever-changing.net/grief-loss 

→ Episodes on Challenging Times: https://ever-changing.net/challenging-times 

 

Support the Show

→ Subscribe In Your Favorite Player: https://kite.link/shamepinata 

→ Rate & Review: https://ever-changing.net/rate-sp 

 

About the Show

Shame Piñata is hosted by Ritual Artist Colleen Thomas, a Certified Meditation and Mindfulness teacher who helps people make sense of life through ceremony. Music by Terry Hughes.

 

Listen If

→ You’re feeling stuck

→ You’re going through a tough time

→ Something significant has happened and no one gets it


Love Shame Piñata?
Subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Follow on Spotify
Follow on Instagram | Connect on Facebook
Join us for a Ceremony | Follow on Podchaser


 
 

Full Transcript

Zievakova: This character is always there, is always ready to support or to connect or to offer a different way. And we believe that is one of the most important messages in the whole performance, is that even when you're alone, you are not. 

Imagine having a silent witness, a partner who is with you all the time, even when you go through the hardest moments of your life. Imagine not being alone but instead being held, accompanied, supported. What might that feel like in your heart, in your body, in your bones?

This is Shame Piñata. I’m Colleen Thomas. Welcome to Shame Piñata, where we talk about creating rites of passage for real-life transitions. Today we have a treat for you. Today we are joined by Alina Zievakova, a film and theatre actress and acting coach. Alina will be speaking with us about her work with ProEnglish Theatre of Ukraine, an independent, English-Speaking, safe theatre in Kyiv - safe because it is located in the basement where there is more protection from russian missiles and drones. 

Alina is here to speak with us about the war, but in a very hopeful way. She will be walking us through the experience of birthing a unique theater production called Blooming. Blooming is a powerful work that traces the path of healing after violence, finding the way back home to self after trauma. It’s an important work that I’ve had the honor to watch - and you can too.

This is the first of two episodes where Alina will be with us. Today she will take us behind the scenes as the three female creators connected with their intuition to organically allow Blooming to come to life. We will learn how the piece has grown and changed over time. And we will explore the fundamental rites of passage we see happen in the show. We’ll go now to my interview with Alina, which got off to a bumpy start when I realized I had neglected to press the record button.

Thomas: So it is amazing to get to have an hour with you!

Zievakova: Likewise.

Thomas: And I… I've really been wanting to know more about this performance. When I watched it, I was touched by how many layers and depth it had, how many colors, how many textures, how much truth…. It just really blew me away and I'm curious, how did it come to be in the world?

Zievakova: Thank you so much for your perception, which is so deep and soulful rich. And yes, it would be a pleasure for me to share. So the show is called Blooming and originally it actually was called Bloom In Violence, but we will get to the point where we decided to change the name. And it is created by three women, which is Anabell Ramirez, who is the director of the show, Jasmine Sotelo, who is my partner on stage (she's a choreographer and dancer), and myself. So we have been together as colleagues in a place that is called ProEnglish Theatre that is situated in a basement in Kyiv. And this is where we… well, we… me and and Anabell and my other colleagues ended up being, starting from the 24th of February of 2022, to the beginning of the full-scale invasion of russian federation to Ukraine. And both me and Anabell started doing whatever we can volunteering and subsequently working as fixers - which is a kind of a field producer who is accompanying foreign journalists. And we have been going to different locations to document war crimes, and one of them being the violence and specifically gender-based violence. And we've felt both of us very strongly that there is something we should do with all of this knowledge with all these stories that women have shared with us. And we have been exploring different options, but at the end of the day, without like, theater being our main thing in life is the strongest instrument we have. So we decided to create a performance about it.

Thomas: Wow, that is incredibly powerful. And in a strange way, it kind of mirrors, in a tiny way what I was doing, which was watching things from here and being especially drawn to stories of gender-based violence, and then figuring out what is my strongest thing? That's how that one meditation series, Everyday Magic for Ukraine, came to be. Because it seems in some respects, like, “How could this possibly help?” But then “Well, this is my thing. This is where I resonate. This is where I shine. This is what I can do.”

Zievakova: Absolutely. And thank you so much for those projects. They're incredible. 

Thomas: Thank you. So can you tell us more about the creation process?

Zievakova: Sure. [LAUGHS] It's a bit non-traditional, I would say, since we are, all three of us are non-traditional. First of all, it happened so that both Anabell’s direction in her art and my direction in my art coincided in desire to step out from the traditional theater of the classical way of seeing things. And Jasmine being the choreographer and the… her language is body… also fit perfectly into our trio. So yeah, we… Our first meeting was just a conversation where we pretty much decided what is the most important message that we would like to convey… or messages… through the performance. And here comes the non-traditional no thing. So this might sound silly, and unfortunately, in the… at least in Ukraine, what I'm seeing… the notion of tarot cards is very stigmatized and very… is associated with something… fraud, or something icky. Whereas we see a lot of archetypical and depth and knowledge in that, therefore, we picked up a deck of tarot cards. And we decided to kind of lay a passage, a journey, through which the main characters go throughout this performance, exploring different emotions in different states of a person who has experienced violence. And it gave us the… also broader and deeper understanding of things that we can include into each of those steps. 

Thomas: Wow.

Zievakova: Yeah, and interesting that when we started, we didn't have any text. So we went absolutely intuitively out of what we have felt, and we started creating a lot of physical aspects of the performance. Because as you can see, if you watch it, it is a lot of visual aspects of this performance. So it is lights and blocking and physical work of our bodies. And only then when you know, there was a fertile soil of that base that we have laid this way. We started picking the texts that naturally flew into this already created flow, which has been the text from a book called “Daughter” from Tamara Horicha Zernia who is a Ukrainian writer, and also personal testimonies.

Thomas: So it started with the body and the intuition. 

Zievakova: Yeah. 

Thomas: Yeah, it has such a strong, embodied feel. It kind of feels like since there are so few words... that it opens it up so that each of us can experience it in our own way, even more than if they were words. Does that make sense? 

Zievakova: Yes, absolutely, absolutely! It gives more metaphorical meanings that can be interpreted by everyone. Therefore, that is what's crucial for us that even though it is a show created by women, based on a book written by woman, it's still for us, it isn't important that it's universal. It is for anyone who has gone through trauma or through violence. And that is, luckily, what we have managed to achieve according to the feedback that we have gotten through different audiences.

So now you have a sense of how the show came to life. But that was only the beginning, only the beginning of a true journey. 

Zievakova: It was born in Kyiv. We performed it in June of 2022 and then it started its journey abroad, since we have been traveling and touring with it throughout different countries. So we've been to Italy, Poland, Denmark, Sweden with it, and we continue to plan. So our next stop will be Prague good this spring and… Well, first of all, we changed the name, the name was Bloom in Violence at the beginning, because again, the atmosphere in which we created, it was absolutely different than the atmosphere is, is now in Ukraine, for example. And the violence, the level of it in the air was visceral. You could feel it, you could touch it almost. And that's why it was so crucial for us to put a balancing aspect to even it out, to give a passage, to give an opportunity for people who have gone through such a horrible experience in their life to at least have a notion that there is a way. And it is absolutely individual for everyone, but here we are with some options for you. And therefore Blooming it was you know, this almost as heart-beating word to, to balance it out. But then as the time passed, and the atmosphere here changes drastically, atmosphere when you traveled changes and affects your perception. And therefore, after our tour to Denmark, when we came back, we decided that how the show was developing… Because it also it is, you know, it is an entity of itself. It grows with us, it develops with us, and we trust it, we listen to it. And therefore, it felt like violence has no place even in the name of the show, therefore, we left only Blooming.

Thomas: That's, that's so wonderful that you're letting it be a being and growing and breathing and telling you how it's changing. That's beautiful. How has it been for you… How many performances have you had? And how has it been for you as you've gone through all of those, like, the trajectory?

Zievakova: I think we had around 16. It's been different every time. It also… every time since it's a live performance, a theater performance, it depends on the audience, because they also are co creators with us. And at some point in the beginning, that's also something that has changed. We have been incorporating audience members at the end. We are inviting them on the stage and we are offering them crowns and flowers as this common ritual that we share as… as they are also characters of the show equally as me and Jasmine. And recently, we've also changed it, this summer. Because it also felt that even though it was a very powerful moment, and again at the moment it felt right. But recently we have discovered that we don't need even to bring people to the stage. We are entering the audience and we are sitting with them and giving them flowers and just sharing the space, you know? So, there is no pressure for people even in that regard to come out of the stage, because it also can be stressful and people usually are, you know, not so comfortable on the stage in general. So that is something that we have applied as well.

Thomas: Wow. Have there been any moments that you can share that have been especially powerful with relating to the audience?

Zievakova: Definitely. Well, there is another important aspect to mention before I go there. So usually we don't only perform this show, but we combine it as experience with a workshop that we're bringing. And the workshop is called RAW. It's abbreviation for Relief Acting Workshop, it's a workshop that I have created. Again, starting from the full-scale invasion. It's basically a training based on breathing techniques, meditation techniques, acting techniques, body movement techniques that we are… we have been offering in ProEnglish since the spring of 2022. And it is targeted to offer people the place to breathe out, to relief in any way that connects to them personally. And we have been cooperating with different organizations to offer and target it to different groups. For example, displaced people, refugees, military, cadets, military students, veterans, women, men, and family members of people whose husbands or brothers or sisters or mothers are in the military, in the service. So we usually, especially when we travel, but here as well in Kyiv, we have it as a workshop, first two hours. And after the workshops, it's like, final touch is the performance. So the person has, you know, this journey of their own as well. And it feels more personal for them. And when we were doing this in Poland, in one of the cities because we had a tour, there was a woman who's actually Ukrainian, she… she's a refugee there. And she came, and she attended the workshop. And then she attended the performance. And she approached us and she said that this event changed her life. And she… she said that, even though it sounds very, you know, fundamental and maybe too loud, but at the same time, she felt like it was something crucial that she needed to, to grasp in order to go on with her life. And, you know, stories like that - at least one story like that makes you sure that what you do is needed, is crucial to share. Especially in in this kind of way through art, when it is applicable, let's say to different people.

Thomas: That's wonderful that she was able… that she felt comfortable enough to tell you that because there may be people who felt that way who didn't actually tell you, right?

Zievakova: Right. Right

Thomas: Wow. And I didn't know you were doing it at the end of the workshop. That really paints a different picture for me, because I know how powerful it can be to get people together out of their regular routine, more into their bodies than normal, creating community… Being in bodies in a community in a safe place, can really open people up, bring a sense of safety that allow the hearts to open and then to have something once that space has been created… at the end of that it… I know it can be very, very powerful. So that's amazing.

Zievakova: Thank you. Yeah, definitely it makes all the difference in the world.

Thomas: Yeah. Have you ever done the show without the workshop?

Zievakova: Yes, we have. Because we adjust to circumstances and especially when we travel, we are not always able to control everything how it goes. So in some venues were not able… or some venues are not suited for workshops. So then we just have it also after the show, it is mandatory for us to have a discussion. So people who want to leave can leave and again, you know, digest and process in… on their own but people who want to share, there is this opportunity of creating the community in a discussion in Q&A in still an exchange you know, so there is a closure.

Thomas: Yes. Yes. That's wonderful. That's… that's really important too, right? Because there's an opening of the heart watching… I wish I had had that. Although I suppose I'm having it now with you. To get to, sort of, process everything that came up because it is such a heart-opening experience watching it.

[MUSIC]

Thomas: I want to go back for a second to when you said you're working with the tarot cards, just… I'm just curious. When you were working with them, were you like, looking through the tarot cards and kind of picking the ones that felt right that matched the journey you were thinking might be there? Or were you letting them fall out of the deck? Or did you reading? Or how did you interact with them?

Zievakova: I love that we're talking about this, thank you so much. I really want, to you know, to give honor to this and to be on that side that protects it protects its true meaning. So we chose, we took out the higher arcanes and we only worked with those. And kind of… we took turns each one of us out of three, to… having them all in front of us pick… seeing them, pick the ones that resonate the most when we talk about this performance. And we kind of, each one of us, built their own picture out of this higher arcanes. And we discussed again, then comparing all three and kind of combining them into one common passage, we decided what are the most strong ones that speak to us that we can use whenever addressing each element of the performance or each stage of the performance.

Thomas: Wow, that's so cool. I'm seeing the three of you now and then there's that powerful symbolism of the three women doing this work, right?

Zievakova: Yeah, definitely. Definitely. 

Isn’t that cool? I mean, that’s my type of theater production. Where intuition and archetypes are welcome. Where the story evolves on its own through deep listening and collaboration. I don’t want to give too much away about the performance before you’ve had a chance to see it,  but I will tell you that in Blooming, we see a woman going on a journey that has many phases and many colors. She often has a silent companion with her who has a bit of an ethereal quality. As Alina said, most of the content is delivered through movement and sound, and music and lighting. There are very few words, which allows the actions to become even more noticeable. One scene that stood out for me was when this mysterious companion took out a tube of red lipstick and began drawing symbols on the wrist of the main character. 

Thomas: Since Shame Piñata is all about rites of passage, I have to ask you a little bit more about rites of passage, I felt like that part where she was drawing those symbols on the arm of your character, that that really resonated for me as a beautiful rite of passage. And one that was… just felt like a rite of passage for me to get to watch it, right? That's the way theater can be. And… were there other aspects of the show that were a rite of passage that I might have missed?

Zievakova: Well, I guess it has several of them, because we do explore a whole journey. So we start when the main character is, you know, in this very light and infantile stage of her life, when everything is …light, yeah, I guess that would be the most appropriate word for it. But then whenever circumstances change, or events enter her life, she adjusts. But at the same time, there is the second character, the one that Jasmine plays who represents for us, well, it can represent so many things. And that's why we prefer not to give it a specific name. It can be nature, it can be intuition, it can be something that we cannot name, something present… presence. And this character is always there, is always ready to support or to connect, or to offer a different way. And we believe that is one of the most important messages in the whole performance is that even when you're alone, you are not. There is some so much in that second character again, who at the same time represents the Ancestors and the whole crowd of people being in one. And that's why she does the initiation. That's why she draws on my hand and on my eyes, and she shows me the way. She also interacts with the audience and, you know…in regards of rites of passage, that is what felt right to us at the moment of this unity in one. 

Thomas: Yeah, and I love that description of her. I was trying to decide - who is she? At first I was waiting for her to speak. I thought she was just a person who was with you. She's also in the role of the witness, right? Which is such a sacred thing…

Zievakova: Absolutely. Yes, and you're right in. That's how… that's why that's why it's so up to interpretation. And in some moments of the performance, she does represent another person in the room with me. And she is a witness, which is such a precise word that you have chosen because that's what we were doing. We were witnessing other stories at the beginning in spring of 2022, and it was very important for us to give them proper dignity and proper way and rite of passage, actually, to transform it to, transcend it above of the physical reality.

Thomas: Yeah. So how can people see the show?

Zievakova: There is a website, a platform that is called Scenesaver, and you can register, it's absolutely free and it takes just a couple of minutes. And you can watch this show and many, many other shows. It's a great platform that offers a online theater experience. And also, we are touring. So maybe at some point, we'll end up in the US, hopefully. And yeah, we are looking forward every time to a new location, since the experience is different, the cultural differences, in fact the perception of the show, and it is also very valuable this international experience.

Alina will be back with us next time to explore the cultural differences the team noticed as they took Blooming on tour throughout Europe, to highlight some of the uniquely Ukrainian symbolism within the show, and to share some of the feedback the team received from survivors who attended.

In the meantime, I highly encourage you to check out the performance linked in the show notes and consider supporting the Relief Acting Workshops for the National Guard of Ukraine. These Relief Acting Workshops are ongoing so you can support them no matter when you are listening to this episode.

Alina Zievakova is a film and theatre actress and acting coach from Ukraine. Before February 24th 2022, she was dedicated to a career on the screen, premiering as a female lead in the film "Rhino" at the Venice Film Festival. However, during the russian full-scale war in Ukraine, she has mainly been acting in socially-relevant theatre pieces and adapting her acting coaching for stress-relief workshops. 

Our music is by Terry Hughes. Find us on YouTube, IG and X at shamepinata. Reach us through our website, shamepinata.com. And subscribe to the show on your favorite player. Also be sure to check out our new 10-part series 10 Minutes for Your Heart, Meditations for Ukrainians. I’m Colleen Thomas. Thanks for listening.

P.S. Get up to 2 months of free podcasting service with Libsyn. Check out the show notes for your promo code to get started podcasting today.

S5 E2 Techno Cosmic Wedding (Pt 2 - The Event)

Episode Summary

So it’s the big day. The day of the Techno Cosmic Wedding. With your virtual invitation in hand, you walk into the venue. Prayer flags hang from the ceiling above you. A set of handmade neon signs rests neatly in the window ledge, spelling out “Marry Me Colleen” The neon question mark at the end is no longer working, but that’s okay because she said yes.

Episode Resources

→ Techno Cosmic Wedding (Pt 1 - The Plan): https://ever-changing.net/episodes/s5-e1-techno-cosmic-wedding-1

→ Matthew Fox: https://www.matthewfox.org/

→ Michelle Jordan: https://www.facebook.com/michelle.jordan.9461

→ "I Am Not Afraid" Song: https://www.daraackerman.com/new-album-skyland

→ A Joyful Wedding Can Still Make Room for Grief: https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2019/07/31/joyful-wedding-can-still-make-room-grief/

→ “We Have Come to be Danced” Poem: https://alicewalkersgarden.com/2019/10/hard-times-require-furious-dancing-we-have-come-to-be-danced-jewel-mathieson/

Episodes by Topic

→ Episodes on Rites of Passage: https://ever-changing.net/rites-of-passage 

→ Episodes on Authentic Weddings: https://ever-changing.net/authentic-weddings 

→ Episodes on Grief & Loss: https://ever-changing.net/grief-loss 

→ Episodes on Challenging Times: https://ever-changing.net/challenging-times 

 

Support the Show

→ Subscribe In Your Favorite Player: https://kite.link/shamepinata 

→ Rate & Review: https://ever-changing.net/rate-sp 

 

About the Show

Shame Piñata is hosted by Ritual Artist Colleen Thomas, a Certified Meditation and Mindfulness teacher who helps people make sense of life through ceremony. Music by Terry Hughes.

 

Listen If

→ You’re feeling stuck

→ You’re going through a tough time

→ Something significant has happened and no one gets it


Love Shame Piñata?
Subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Follow on Spotify
Follow on Instagram | Connect on Facebook
Join us for a Ceremony | Follow on Podchaser


 
 

Full Transcript

Thomas: Keep an eye out for trains.

Torres: Oh. Really?

Thomas: Yes.

Torres: Okay. Why? What are you gonna do…

Thomas: Stop.

Torres: …have them stop them?

Thomas: No. We stop and we wait. 

Torres: Oh, we stop. 

Thomas: We wait for trains to go by. It's part of the process.

Torres: Oh. I see. Okay. [LAUGHS] Choo-choo.

Thomas: Shhhh. Not now. [LAUGHES]

So it’s the big day. The day of the Techno Cosmic Wedding. With your virtual invitation in hand, you walk into the venue. Prayer flags hang from the ceiling above you. A set of handmade neon signs rests neatly in the window ledge, spelling out “Marry Me Colleen” The neon question mark at the end is no longer working, but that’s okay because she said yes.

This is Shame Piñata. I’m Colleen Thomas. Welcome to Shame Piñata, where we talk about creating rites of passage for real-life transitions. So welcome back to our discussion about the Techno Cosmic Wedding. On last month’s episode, we told you about how this unusual ceremony came to be, why it was modeled on an event called the Techno Cosmic Mass, and how it welcomed something you don’t normally see at a wedding - grief. Today my husband Rodrigo and I are going to walk you through the day itself, starting a few weeks before the day itself when things started to go off the rails. 

Torres: So a couple things that happened before the actual wedding day were that couple of unexpected events happened. One was that… you were in a car accident. And you're healthy and whole. 

Thomas: Yes. But I was a little bit sore. 

Torres: But you were, yes. Very sore.

Thomas: And I couldn’t dance. Which was terrible, because I was having a dancing wedding and I couldn't dance. 

Torres: So sorry.

Thomas: And what was much bigger than that was a week later… was that your father passed away very suddenly.

Torres: Right. Yeah, it was a big deal and he was in Mexico City. So it meant a trip down right before our wedding basically and with my mom who was also an officiant at our wedding. So we basically, just a few days before the wedding… so I ended up going down and coming back and then having a wedding. So it was… it was a lot.

Thomas: Yeah. You had a friend who said that he would fill in for you if you didn't get back. [LAUGHS] That was funny.

Torres: That was funny. 

Thomas: Yeah, but that was such a really bumpy ride into the day. Yeah, it was like so much confusion and heartbreak going into... I feel like we kind of went into the day, the transition, the wedding, the ceremony - we went into a kind of broken wide open in different ways, you know?  And I think more than we even expected to, we had to give in and give over and trust our team. And then, on the wedding day itself the house was… our house which is normally so quiet was full of family and… We had grandchildren on the back porch making signs and people were cooking… Your daughter was making the wedding cake, and you guys are all in the front room doing the tech. And I was probably lying down for my back. 

Torres: Yeah. The speakers and the…

Thomas: And then at some point we sent them all away. Everybody was gone and we got the afternoon or a few hours before the wedding to just be alone and we sent them all… They all were done at the facility, the site getting ready and that's when I handed out drawings of the altars, like sketches. You know, “This is what I want it to look like and here's all the material you need for it.” They took, like all the stuff and the plans and they went and we just were like, “Well we're going to put it together and…” We had our time to connect and, you know, prepare.

After spending our time together, we went to the venue with our open hearts and my healing body. We were excited to see what our team had built. 

Torres: For me, walking in was really cool because we hadn’t been there for it all being set up. We were kind of like guests walking in because it was like, “Oh, that's really cool. That's really cool.” And yeah, and kind of seeing how, like… the care that our friends had put into setting everything up how we wanted it, and how… To me it just felt like everything was right on. Like the altars and the Moon Tent and the… you know, having the screens and the and the videos, it just felt, like, really immersive and it felt really good.

So we spent those initial few minutes looking around, kind of in awe really, at what a year of living and breathing the Techno Cosmic Mass had helped us manifest: The world’s first Techno Cosmic Wedding. There were five big altars, dedicated to the relationship in all its forms, relationship with self, friendships, romance, family and the Earth. There were two huge video screens, a sound system, and lighting. 

It was important for us to attend the event as bride and groom and leave the work of holding the space and moving everyone through the event to our event managers, our officiants, and our Weaver of Context Michelle Jordan. Michelle had worked for many years with the Mass team, so we knew she would do a great job and she was awesome. 

Torres: There was the calling of the directions, which I thought was really cool. And then somewhere between there and the next thing, there was this sort of tech problem. 

Thomas: Oh, yeah. 

Torres: That was also really interesting, because I'm usually the tech guy, and usually my instinct is to go fix it. And so I was like, “Okay, I'm not gonna go fix it.” You know, I think it was like, a couple of minutes that it took to resolve but those minutes seemed like really long. So it's just like, “Okay, I'm just gonna just kind of let it be.” But then it was resolved and people were… responded well to it being resolved, and everybody's happy that it was resolved and then we didn't have any problem, any tech problems after that. So that was really nice.

Thomas: I think our Weaver of Context made a little song up about it because she was wonderful in the moment. She did a really good job of explaining what was happening and  really holding everybody's like, you know, hands and hearts throughout the whole day. 

[MUSIC]

If you joined us for last month’s episode, you learned a lot about The Techno Cosmic Mass, which is the event we based our wedding on. Here’s the Cliff Notes version: The spiritual tradition underlying the Techno Cosmic Mass is called Creation Spirituality. It was started by Theologian Matthew Fox. The Mass is built on the Four Paths of Creation Spirituality which are the Via Positiva, celebrating joy, awe, and wonder; the Via Negativa, honoring darkness, loss, and grief; the Via Creativa, celebrating ourselves as divinely creative beings, and lastly the Via Transformativa, honoring our role as spiritual warriors. Like the Mass, the wedding had four distinct parts, beginning with the Via Positiva. 

Thomas: Like we had mentioned before, our friend Dara sang often throughout the ceremony. And one of the first things we did during the Via Positiva section was we did a circle dance. [MUSIC] It was a very simple dance, we had everybody in a big circle and it really loosened everybody up, got everybody singing, got everybody… got their bodies more present in the space, which was part of that, you know, “Come join us. We're here together in this community event. You know, you're not just going to be sitting in a chair watching a wedding.” 

Torres: …watching what’s happening. Yeah.

Thomas: And then after that, our wonderful friend Shanti read the “We Have Come To Be Danced” poem and then we segued into the trance dance. 

Poem Being Read at Event: (We Have Come to Be Danced by Jewel Mathieson)

The mother may I?

Yes you may take 10 giant leaps dance

The olly olly oxen free free free dance

The everyone can come to our heaven dance.

We have come to be danced

Where the kingdoms collide

In the cathedral of flesh

To burn back into the light

To unravel, to play, to fly, to pray

To root in skin sanctuary

We have come to be danced.

WE HAVE COME

[MUSIC]

Thomas: And the trance dance was wonderful. I remember I fought for it to be 20 minutes. People were like, “That's too long, that’s too long.” And I'm like, “No, no, no! 20 minute dance!” And it was wonderful. I loved it even though I couldn't dance. I loved it. It was a dance to sweat your prayers. It was a dance to wake up your body and, you know…

Torres: And it was… it had techno music and lights, like techno lights so it had that rave sort of feature of the Techno Cosmic Mass. Which was really cool.

Thomas: Yes. That was really good. And then we transitioned into the Via Negativa. What do you remember about that?

Torres: Well, for me personally it was really powerful because my dad had died and so I… that was like a grieving time for me and you… you know, grieving for you not being able to dance. And yeah so it felt good to be able to like be my whole self in the space and not have to kind of set that apart from like, “Oh I'm just supposed to be happy and have a smiley face and not feel my feelings.”

Thomas: Yeah, I really explored on season one of Shame Piñata with a lot of guests about… that a wedding… a wedding is a transition and with every transition, there's loss as well as something new. And we don't usually create room for that loss - for ourselves and then for our loved ones, you know, who maybe like they're losing a sister or they're losing a daughter or son or… With a wedding supposed to be a certain happy way there's not room for those feelings. So it was really special to have… to have room… I feel like the Via Negativa is such a jewel and as a concept and such a wonderful addition to any ceremony to have a time dedicated to whatever's there that’s sad, that wants to be expressed. Because then, in addition to getting to express it and be our whole selves, we can come out with that like you know going through, like after the rain, you know that like fresh feeling after the… Like during the… we did a passing of the peace right after the Via Negativa and most of us had like red noses and we were… our faces were all wet and crying and it was just had a really hard opening very beautiful soft authentic quality. 

Torres: Yeah, totally. And like good way to connect with people and that space

Thomas: Yeah, that's very beautiful.

Thomas: And then we went on to the Via Creativa celebrating the cosmos, celebrating our role as creators in creation. And our good friend Sean was our officiant for that section and we actually watched a little bit of a Neil deGrasse Tyson video….

Torres: Right.

Thomas: …which was wonderful. 

Torres: About the cosmos, the cosmos in how we're connected to it.

Thomas: And then I believe there was the flower-pelting ceremony which was designed to get everybody back up off the floor and moving, moving, moving again before the actual ceremony where they'd be sitting for a while. 

[MUSIC]

So we’ve reached the Via Transformativa, the final path of the four paths. And in our case, the time when the wedding ceremony would be happening. Rodrigo put on his wedding jacket and I grabbed my veil. Our mothers took up their positions and everyone found their chair. 

Torres: After having used the room as a dance floor, then it was set up with chairs… several rows of chairs in concentric circles with two aisle ways through. 

Thomas: Yeah, I remember we started. Like, if it's a clock, you started at twelve o'clock, and I started at six o'clock. So then you would have walked twelve to six. And I would walk from six to twelve alone around the outside of the circle. And then when we got to the opposite point, the 180 degrees from where we started, we met our mom, our moms. And then we walked in, me with my mom, you with your mom, to the middle. And our moms were holding our rings, like my mom was holding my ring and your mom is holding your ring. And when we got to the center, the moms exchanged rings, as like a token of you know, blending the families. 

So we walked in, our mothers exchanged rings, and then our mother sat down leaving us standing alone in the middle of the circle, in the round waiting for what was next. The plan was for our good friend Dara Ackerman to come out and sing a song about honoring fear, like the fear we were swimming in at that moment, and then to get married. But what happened really surprised me. 

Thomas: Dara came in singing this beautiful song this “I am not afraid song.” And everybody was so into it. Everybody just loved it. And I remember my mom had been, like so horrified when I told her we wanted to use that song. “No, no, no, no, no, no, no, you're just you're wrong, you're wrong!” But, she was so into it. Everybody was so into it. And much later, I realized that she married us and I hadn't seen that coming. I thought, oh Dara will sing a song and then we will get our blessings and then we will be married. I didn't realize that Dara would be marrying us. It was so beautiful. 

Torres: Yeah. 

Thomas: All of the heart-opening work we had been doing with everybody who was there throughout the night - that was just so evident, because everybody's hearts were so open during that song and people were so present. And then they were…  they were very kind and patient and waited through the three plus… three sets of blessings plus the actual, you know, official wedding ceremony. 

Torres: Yeah, it's interesting, cause, I mean, we weren't planning to have Dara be kind of the officiant, but she kind of became kind of like the emotional sort of officiant with that song. And the way she sort of… like the first verses of it, she kind of gets everybody singing with her. And then she kind of sings the last one on her own, and it was kind of this shift. And it was her singing to us, basically, and singing kind of like words that we would sort of be expressing to each other about like, “I'm not afraid. I'm so afraid.” And it was…  was emotional and funny and real.

Thomas: After we had the blessing because we had what we had a Native American blessing and we had a New Age blessing and we had a Christian blessing and then our main officiant our final officiant she said, ‘“You've had the world’s religions to have blessed you. You have been planning this wedding longer than some of the world's religions have been around.”

Torres: Totally.

Thomas: And your wonderful friend made us a beautiful wedding quilt with gifts… panels from all our friends and presented that around us and pronounced us a couple. And somebody dumped a big basket of flowers on top of us and we did a really slow rotation being sort of presented to the community. That was really magical.

Torres: It was. 

In producing these two episodes, Rodrigo and I had the chance to relive the day in our own hearts and reflect on some of the moments that have stayed with us over the years. 

Torres: A surprising thing for me that I wasn't expecting was the… kind of how big of presence that children that came were. They were very present for the entire thing. They were, you know, in the middle of the room a lot of the time. And we were just like, we didn’t like, shush them out, or, you know, which I thought was really precious: that, you know, we were just like, “Yeah, if you want to be in the middle of the circle, you know, come in and be in the middle of the circle.” And so yeah, that sort of energy of like, their youth, and they're just being themselves. And during the Negativa, there was a girl that like, came up to us… because she could tell that we were like, you know, crying and she wanted to, like comfort us and it was just really sweet to have that sort of... And that was not something, you know, that was planned in any sort of way or anything like that. And even afterwards, I… somebody said that they had asked, “Oh, is this how all the weddings are?” Because that was the first wedding they had been to. And we were like, “Oh my goodness. They’re gonna be in for a surprise when they go to another wedding.”

Thomas: Yeah totally. Yeah, I remember this… when we are getting ready for the trance dance and we were…our friend was reading the poem about “We've Come to Be Danced”, one of the little boys was just running around, just like… he was so exuberant, he was just feeling the energy. He was jumping, and he could just… he was like, he was just totally present with the energy. And like you said, when we were both sitting on the floor, crying, you know, and she came up to us, and she was just kind of like, just watching us like, “Wow. Huh.” You know, they were just like, curious and around and… yeah. They were such a blessing. And we heard from some of their families that they weren't normally like that, and they just felt really free and really able to express themselves and it was really beautiful.

Torres: Yeah. And I liked the idea that, you know, maybe we created something that could shift how they thought of weddings. You know… what the possibility of a wedding can be.

Thomas: Yeah. I think we did that for everybody, including ourselves.

Torres: Yeah.

As you can hear from the way we describe it, Rodrigo and I were successfully able to create a wedding ceremony that expressed the uniqueness of us. It didn’t matter that people were a little unsure of what we were about or what they were expected to do. We took their hands and welcomed them in, encouraging them to participate at whatever level felt right. 

If you are in the midst of the wedding planning journey, remember you can do it your way! Don’t be shy. Lean into the things that make your relationship unique and special. Dare to be unconventional. And if you have friends planning a wedding, share these two episodes with them. Thank you so much for coming to my wedding. Don’t forget to grab a piece of cake on the way out. 

Learn more about Creation Spirituality at matthewfox.org. Find Michelle Jordan on FB  at michelle.jordan.9461. Hear the entire “I Am Not Afraid” song at daraackerman.com.

And get a look into the Via Negativa section of our ceremony in the Washington Post article, “A Joyful Wedding Can Still Make Room for Grief” written by friend of the podcast, Tria Wen. Find links for all of these in the show notes. Special thanks to Carol Ann Fusco who called the directions. 

Our music is by Terry Hughes. Find us on YouTube, IG, and X at shamepinata. Reach us through our website, shamepinata.com. And subscribe to the show on your favorite player. I’m Colleen Thomas. Thanks for listening.

P.S. You can get up to 2 months of free podcasting service with Libsyn. Check out the show notes for your promo code to get started podcasting today.

S5 E1 Techno Cosmic Wedding (Pt 1 - The Plan)

Episode Summary

What would you think if you received an invitation to attend to something called a Techno Cosmic Wedding? Would you be curious? Avoidant? Undecided? What if it was framed as a post-modern, rave-inspired event where your whole self was welcome. How would you feel then?

Episode Resources

→ Techno Cosmic Wedding (Pt 2 - The Event): https://ever-changing.net/episodes/s5-e2-techno-cosmic-wedding-2

→ Matthew Fox: https://www.matthewfox.org/

→ The Cosmic Mass: https://www.thecosmicmass.com/

→ A Joyful Wedding Can Still Make Room for Grief: https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2019/07/31/joyful-wedding-can-still-make-room-grief/

Episodes by Topic

→ Episodes on Rites of Passage: https://ever-changing.net/rites-of-passage 

→ Episodes on Authentic Weddings: https://ever-changing.net/authentic-weddings 

→ Episodes on Grief & Loss: https://ever-changing.net/grief-loss 

→ Episodes on Challenging Times: https://ever-changing.net/challenging-times 

 

Support the Show

→ Subscribe In Your Favorite Player: https://kite.link/shamepinata 

→ Rate & Review: https://ever-changing.net/rate-sp 

 

About the Show

Shame Piñata is hosted by Ritual Artist Colleen Thomas, a Certified Meditation and Mindfulness teacher who helps people make sense of life through ceremony. Music by Terry Hughes.

 

Listen If

→ You’re feeling stuck

→ You’re going through a tough time

→ Something significant has happened and no one gets it


Love Shame Piñata?
Subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Follow on Spotify
Follow on Instagram | Connect on Facebook
Join us for a Ceremony | Follow on Podchaser


 
 

Full Transcript

Thomas: Can you hear? 

Torres: Oh, now I can. Yeah, now I can.

Thomas: Good. Alright. I’m going to turn this light off because it makes a hum. 

Torres: [HUMMING]

Thomas: Okay, say something.

Torres: That makes it hum too…

Thomas & Torres: [HUMMING]

What would you think if you received an invitation to attend to something called a Techno Cosmic Wedding? Would you be curious? Avoidant? Undecided? What if it was framed as a post-modern, rave-inspired event where your whole self was welcome. How would you feel then?

This is Shame Piñata. I’m Colleen Thomas. Welcome to Shame Piñata, where we talk about creating rites of passage for real-life transitions. So you’re invited. You are retroactively invited to attend my wedding. And joining us today to help me bring you into the scene, into the moment, is my amazing husband, Rodrigo. We’re going to tell you about how this unusual ceremony came to be, why it was modeled on an event called the Techno Cosmic Mass, and how it welcomed something you don’t normally see at a wedding - grief. 

We’re going to share the story in two parts. Today we will fill you in on the who, how and why and take you through the planning phase - which as you know is really the richest part of any intentional event. Then, next time, you’ll hear how it all turned out, including the bumpy ride that led to the actual wedding day. 

So, here’s the story. A long time ago, I moved to the San Francisco Bay Area to attend graduate school in spirituality. The school I attended was called The University of Creation Spirituality and it was run by theologian Matthew Fox. You may know of Matthew through his many books. He has actually authored 40 books over the past 50 years. Some titles that might sound familiar are “Original Blessing”, “The Coming of the Cosmic Christ”, and “One River, Many Wells”. Like several other students at the school, I felt that the universe had somehow called me out to complete that very program. And one of the pieces that spoke to me the most was an event Matthew and his team regularly hosted called the Techno Cosmic Mass. Now, unknown to me, Rodrigo was also attending the Cosmic Mass which at that time was held in the historic Sweets Ballroom in downtown Oakland. This was before we met, like way before we met. Here he is helping me describe it. 

Torres: And the Techno Cosmic Mass was kind of a multimedia Mass held in a huge ballroom in Oakland, when I went to it. And you'd walk in, there was a lot of screens showing a lot of different spiritual designs and images and music. Very low lights. It was kind of like a rave, almost, the atmosphere… Not that I've really been to a rave, but what I imagine one to be like. And then there were altars in the big ballroom you could walk around to. And then when it would start, they would go through a whole sort of ceremony and kind of a four… four movements. Some of them were very upbeat and, and had like dancing, and were kind of like a rave, and some were very introspective and dark. It was pretty unique. It was pretty cool. 

Thomas: And we were going at the same time and we didn't know each other then.

Torres: Right

Thomas: And I was volunteering at a lot of them. In fact, when I first came out to check out the University of Creation Spirituality, I just spent a weekend here in Oakland, and I just wanted to hang out at the school as much as I could to see what it was about and what the people were like, and if it was a place I wanted to study. And so I helped with… helped with the Mass, because that was going on over the weekend and           I built this beautiful altar. I had, like, the whole day to build it. And all this big room of stuff. It was like multi-layered, different heights. I found a big bowl, a big silver kitchen-type bowl that had a glass, a really tall, clear glass, glued into it. I don't know why it was glued into it, but I put a candle like a taper candle inside there. And then it filled the bowl of water and then the candle was inside the glass and it burned down throughout the night. So it eventually was under the water. You know, it was just really… it was really meaningful to me and it was a signal that this was a place I definitely wanted to come and study.

And so I did. And I loved the school and loved my classmates and loved my teachers and had an amazing time. And then over the years everything kind of faded away. I’m sad to say that the school actually closed shortly after I left. The Masses continued for a while but then they stopped too. And then, many years later, I met Rodrigo through a completely different community. And we did all the things. We dated and moved in together and were not going to get married. And then changed our minds. But when it came to wedding planning, it was a little bit difficult. 

Torres: Well, our spiritualities are different and I'm… I think I was pretty sure that wasn't something very conventional and I think you didn't either, that’s my guess… I’m not sure… or did you?

Thomas: We did a lot of thinking and talking about that about traditions. Like what are the wedding traditions? What… Why are they there? What do we want about them? Because I think it's always fine to pull them in if…

Torres: If they make sense.

Thomas: If they're meaningful, right? If it's not just, “Oh well we should….”

Torres: I think we were trying to find… something that was meaningful to both of us. 

Thomas: Yeah, and we couldn't. We hadn't. We were in limbo as I recall and then we went that night to… well, as luck would have it, or as synchronicity would have it, they started doing the Masses again - right then. Because they had stopped.

Torres: They hadn’t done them in a long time. 

Thomas: Yeah, just out of the blue they started and I… I saw the flier that with that old art they used to use with the… you know, the event flier. I was like, “Oh, my goodness!”  It's like I mean, Oakland, not at Sweets Ballroom but in Oakland, right. And we went and Matt was there and he was welcoming people from all the different faiths, which was one of my favorite parts. Getting to represent for my underdog faith, and then getting to be welcomed in and then the dancing and... I just remember, we were dancing. It might have been the Via Creativa dance, the Via Transformative dance - I think it was toward the end of the night - and just looking over at you and being like, “I want this for our wedding!” And you were like, “Yeah”. And I was like “Oh my gosh, we finally found something!” And we were both a big yes to it.

Torres: Totally. And that was good to find the big yes.

Thomas: Yeah. And looking back at it from now, what was the yes to you?

Torres: It just felt right. It just felt aligned. And it felt like it wasn't… it wasn't even a very conscious thing, it was just “Yes”. Just like from my gut. How about you?

Thomas: Yeah, it definitely had that perfectly right…. and really excited to hear that it felt that way to you, too, because sometimes we're not on the same page. So I was like, “Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah, definitely. We're on the same page!” And for me, it had always been like, you know, I'm super into bringing the body into worship into ritual and remembering we have bodies and coming into the bodies and dancing with the body and you know, all of the… bringing the chakras and the colors and the lights and the celebration and the grieving that's in the body too like, the whole way that it's so embodied and so fun. Yeah.

Torres: Yeah. And it had, like elements of what felt like a wedding, like bringing a whole bunch of people together and doing ritual and ceremony and… But it was like, a different way of doing it.

Thomas: And we… It felt sort of divinely guided because like we said they came up with a Technic Cosmic… they started doing the Cosmic Mass again out of the blue from our perspective. And then we jumped in and started volunteering with a Cosmic Mass crew for about six months to learn how to do it. And then pretty much right after we had our wedding, they stopped again, they stopped doing the Masses again. So we got in this tiny little we know, which was like maybe nine months or a year or something?

Torres: Yeah.

Thomas: I think they're still doing the Mass, but they do them only at events now. So they… it's an on-the-road thing. But we were perfectly aligned and and doing the volunteering with them was great.

Torres: Yeah. Yeah, we got to see kind of behind the scenes.

Thomas: Yeah

[MUSIC]

So at this point you might be wondering what actually happens at a Techno Cosmic Mass and why we would want to use it as the foundation of our wedding. Bear with us as we take you into a bit of the spiritual framework behind the event. 

Thomas: So in Creation Spirituality, there are four “tivas”, as we call them affectionately. There are Four Paths of Creation Spirituality. There is the Via Positiva, which is joy, awe, and wonder. And the Via Negativa, which is about darkness and letting go, grieving. The Via Creativa, which is about… we are creative beings, creative as the… divinely creative as the Creator is divine, right? And then Via Transformativa, which is where we ready ourselves to return to the world as spiritual warriors - that's how I always think about it. 

Torres: Transform.

Thomas: Transform. Yeah. And in the Mass, traditionally, my experience was that they did a trance dance, a joy dance, during the Via Positiva, and some kind of group grieving during the Negativa. And then they did the Eucharist during the Creativa…

Torres: Right.

Thomas: …the actual taking of the bread and the body of Christ. And then the Transformativa was another trance dance. Yeah, to prepare yourself to go out into the world and be a warrior for social justice. So I remember when we were planning the wedding, I was really enamored with the idea of having a dance for the Positiva, cause I really loved having the trance dance. And then grieving for Negativa. But then instead of the Eucharist, we wanted to come up with something non-Eucharist-y to do there. So we came up with honoring the cosmos. It kind of feels to me like at the Mass, the Techno Cosmic Mass, the focus… a big part of the focus was on the Eucharist, since it's a Mass, right? So… But yet for us, we realized that the Transformativa might be a really good place for the wedding ceremony itself.

Torres: Yeah. I mean, that was what I thought was our sort of more… our focus in terms of the wedding itself was the transformation of being two people that weren't wedded to two people that were wedded.

Thomas: Correct. Exactly. 

Torres: And so… I mean, for me the Transformativa was kind of a no brainer, because it's like, yeah, it's a transformation. So we have to have the wedding in the Transformativa. And the dancing is interesting, because in a lot of weddings, the dancing is… comes like afterwards, and it’s like the reception, it's not part of the wedding. So, I liked it that we had it as part of the part of the wedding ceremony that people were dancing. 

Thomas: Yeah, me too. I loved that. 

Torres: Yeah. I think we really liked that about that. And then we… I think the Negativa was kind of… we sort of knew that that was kind of going to be like the most unusual thing to have in a wedding. 

Thomas: Yes. My mom was not happy, to say the least. 

Torres: What did she… Do you remember what she said? 

Thomas: Oh… No, I don’t. I remember talking to her more about the song that we had our really good friend Dara sing before… because she had that wonderful album, and we wanted to incorporate her music into the day and we listened to it and she had a song called “I am Not Afraid” that I think you were like “Oh, I think…” Of I forget which one of us was like, “We need this right before we get married!”

Torres: Yeah, I think it was me.

Thomas: Because it’s this song about, “I’m not afraid. I am so afraid. I am not afraid, but I am so afraid…” It was just.. it was such a beautiful song and I remember playing that for… or telling my mom about it. I think I didn't play it for her. And she was like, “Oh, no, no, no, no.” She was like trying not to put her foot down about anything I think throughout the, you know, year I was telling he plans for the wedding and then she had to with that. She was like, “That is a bad idea.”

Torres: For some reason I had the story flipped in my head that she was saying that about the Negativa, about having the Negativa. I think she was pretty much also against having the Negativa from what I remember. 

Thomas: Yeah. I mean, she's pretty traditional. And it sounds like a weird thing to have people crying at a wedding… on purpose.

A communal grieving ceremony in general might be something you’re not used to experiencing - but imagine it at a wedding. We actually had a mix of folks at the event, some of whom were more traditional and weren’t really sure what to do but kind of went with it, and others who actually had a lot of experience in holding space for deep emotions in a group setting. And a lot of this latter group were from Rodrigo’s work community at a non-profit called Challenge Day.

Torres: It's interesting because I think part of the… part of the reason that I felt more sort of comfortable with that was because I had gone through a lot of Challenge Day stuff, so, which is kind of an emotional workshop that I did and then I worked at for many years. And there was kind of a lot of that sort of going into your feelings and being okay with that and doing it in kind of like a group setting. So I felt a lot more comfortable with that then much more than I would have had I… had I not gone through that sort of experience. And kind of like seeing… not as not seeing it as a kind of a negative thing is a kind of a healing thing.

Thomas: Exactly. Yeah. And you'd been to the Masses to where that was also part of like, you know, really, really presencing the destruction of the planet or the destruction of the rain forests or whatever the focus was that night at the Mass. Like really, all the stuff that we know is happening in the world but we don't want to think about, becoming really focused on it and aware of it and allowing the pain of it to really become present and allowing ourselves to grieve. Grieve the things that we try to not look at - in community. I mean, that's not a… that's not a normal experience, a day-to-day experience in the US so like getting our… getting comfortable with that learning what that is and that it might be weird, it might feel weird. But yet going through it, especially in community can be very healing. 

Torres: Totally. Yeah. 

Thomas: It was a very NorCal wedding.

Torres: Absolutely. 

Thomas: California wedding. [LAUGHS]

[MUSIC]

Torres: Oh and the… also the altars were important. Creating the altars…

Thomas: You didn't really want the altars though. You didn't really care about the altars.

Torres: Yeah. I guess. I don’t remember.

Thomas: You were like, “That’s your thing.”

Torres: Was… really?

Thomas: Yeah, but that was okay because I was excited. Yeah, so at the Mass there… If you walked into the Techno Cosmic Mass, you would see two or maybe three really big projection screens and then four… at least four really big altars at the four directions. And sometimes they would be set up to honor the Four Directions, you know, earth, air, fire and water, the elements. And sometimes they were themed in some way, depending on the theme of the Mass. But we decided that we wanted to honor relationship in its various forms and so we decided to have  five altars. So we had a self altar like love of self, and then a friendship altar, love of friendship and romance altar for romantic love, and a family altar for family love, and then an earth altar for honoring the Earth. And we also had a moon lodge because that was my thing. And I was really excited about the altars because I wanted them to be very interactive. So they were kind of like little sets, almost like, like at a play. So we wanted the self altar to have a beautiful mirror where people could sit in front of the mirror and look at themselves. [LAUGHS] And the friendship altar was meant to look like a front porch where the checkers set and rocking chairs. And then the romance altar we set up at a fireplace which was in the… in the venue. Yeah, at the venue, there was a fireplace and so we set the romance altar up in front of the fireplace with chocolate boxes and..

Torres: Pillows. Like throw pillows.  

Thomas: Pillows. And the family altar was the richest, it was beautiful. It was all of these beautiful Ancestor items and your father's paintings were… ended up there. And we had some Day of the Dead coloring books. It was very… it was the most, I think, interactive one. People really liked it. They really gravitated toward it. And then the Earth altar was sort of just a very big houseplant with the globe or something. [LAUGHS]  It wasn't very impressive, but it was… They were all meant to be very interactive and very… and so that people could be at the event and they could also kind of wander by and interact with the altars.

Torres: Like at the Mass.

Thomas: Like at the Mass - but even more interactive than at the Mass. At the Mass it's kind of  like you look at them they’re really pretty and they’re interesting but you don't really do anything at them.

Torres: Yeah, you really wanted to sort of have it there as sort of something that people that came to the wedding sort of interacted with and participated in. 

Thomas: Yeah.

Torres: Yeah. I think I was thinking it was your thing because I… there was so much to organize and I just felt overwhelmed. I was like, I can’t do altars on top of everything else, I'm sorry. It’s like… if you want it, you’re welcome to do it. So, sorry about that, but I just didn’t have the bandwidth.

Thomas: That’s okay.

Torres: I mean, we had… along with all of the regular sort of wedding things, we also had kind of to put on this sort of multimedia presentation of like, big screens and provide our own sound system…

Yeah, so suffice to say, we were planning a big event. It was multimedia, it had trance dancing, it had interactive altars, and it was a wedding… So we took our time and were intentional about it. 

Thomas: What was your experience of the planning time which was a huge part of it.

Torres: Yeah. I think we went into wanting to be very comprehensive and very careful about every detail. And I think we were. So that was really nice. And very conscious and sort of wanting the wedding to be part of sort of creating community and the planning to be creating community. And it felt like very much like us doing something together. And, you know, we also had, like, our spreadsheet with like, 25 tabs or something like that.

Thomas: Totally. 

Torres: We were very organized.

Thomas: And then toward the end. I remember you found some way to draw the room. You created diagrams of exactly… because at the end of it at the end of the planning, we sort of reached the point of needing to turn it over to our… 

Torres: Our team. 

Thomas: To our team. And so there was this like process of like, making sure they really got it, and we really got all our thoughts and… We were really sure. And how do we convey this to them? And so that's where you were doing that diagrams of like, “Hey, this is how we want the chairs at this point, and then we're gonna change to this. And then then it's gonna be like this…” Because it was… it was an event. 

Torres: It was.

Thomas: It was a whole production.

Torres: And we had to like, move chairs in and move chairs out. And because it was just one big room, and we did everything in that room from just having it way open for all the dancing to having the ceremony with chairs in there and everything had to sort of be coordinated. And we were very clear from, I think, very near the beginning that we wanted to be just present for the wedding. And so we didn't want to be the person sort of like worried about directing things and moving things around and making sure things went right. So I think we sort of made it... I think it was a great decision to “Okay, we're gonna organize everything, we're gonna explain it to our team as clearly as possible and then we're gonna just let go.” And if it happens, it happens. And if it doesn't, and something goes totally different, then that's just the way it's gonna be because we just want to be present for it.

Thinking back now, I’m not even sure where we got that sage wisdom to let go of the details on the wedding day but it turned out to be great advice. Join us again next time to hear how the big day went. I really hope you can make it back because I’m excited to tell you how it all unfolded and, as I mentioned, the bumps that came up along the way. 

If you’d like to know more about Creation Spirituality, check out matthewfox.org. For a sneak peek into the Negativa section of our wedding, see Tria Wen’s Washington Post article. Find links in the show notes. 

Our music is by Terry Hughes. Find us on YouTube, IG and X at shamepinata. Reach us through our website, shamepinata.com. And subscribe to the show on your favorite player. I’m Colleen Thomas. Thanks for listening.

P.S. You can get up to 2 months of free podcasting service with Libsyn. Check out the show notes for your promo code to get started podcasting today.