Episode Summary
Initiations come in all shapes and sizes, from graduating with a formal degree, to becoming a parent, to losing a parent. We can't control what experience the universe sends us, but we can meet each change with our full, honest selves. Alicia Connor inspires us with a story of taking a change and flowing with it on her own terms.
Episode Resources
→ Alicia Connor: https://www.aliciaconnor.com
→ Quick & Delish: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCT0DBT0dF_qEeiePwcxamMw
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About the Show
Shame Piñata is hosted by Ritual Artist Colleen Thomas, a Certified Meditation and Mindfulness teacher who helps people make sense of life through ceremony. Music by Terry Hughes.
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Full Transcript
Connor: Like say if I'm traveling like in a car with somebody else. You know, they're driving, so I can't trust them. When are we going to go the bathroom? Where are we going to eat? Where are we going to get to drink something? So I just bring everything with me. It's not that I have trust issues, but I take care of myself. [LAUGHS]
Initiations come in all shapes and sizes. From graduating with a formal degree, to becoming a parent, to losing a parent. We can't control what experience the universe sends us, but we can meet each change with our full, honest selves. Alicia Connor inspires us with a story of taking a change and flowing with it on her own terms.
This is Shame Piñata. I’m Colleen Thomas. Welcome to Shame Piñata, where we talk about creating rites of passage for real-life transitions. Sometimes we see change coming and sometimes it's just kind of suddenly there. When it arrives without warning it can create a numbing, a blocking out, a wanting to turn away. This is so human. The cool thing is that as humans, we are incredibly adaptive and creative and often times we will take actions to find our center again without even realizing that's what we're doing. Like cutting our hair after a breakup. That could be conscious, that could be unconscious, but either way it's a step toward owning what's happening to us. Owning the change
Alicia Connor joins us today to share a story of going with the flow of life even when it flowed in a challenging direction. Alicia began to have some issues with her vision when she was 17. She saw some different health practitioners. They told her different things. Then, there was a diagnosis and a realization that things were going to change.
Connor: I got glasses when I was 17 because that's when my vision loss started. But I didn't know it was this genetic thing that was going to actually cause vision loss, like ongoing. So when I was 17, I went to like, your average, eye store whatever, eye world in Boston, and I was getting this pair of glasses. And I remember the optometrist, he was like... he was like, do these do anything? Like, there was a sense... he was not confident that they did anything. It was basically like putting clean glass in front of my eyes. So like, a hair or two better, right? But I felt like, well, I'm driving, they help a little bit, so I should wear them, right? And like, what else? Like, am I... I didn't know that. I could say like, I don't think they do anything, because there was some difference. And he didn't seem to know enough to be like, "If they're only helping you a little bit, let's talk about that, and I could maybe like refer you to somebody else, or maybe you should see a like... somebody else". But there was definitely a lack of confidence in his voice that I remember, like his surprise. And then the reason why I went to the Rhode Island Eye Institute was after when I was 19, I went to get a second pair of glasses, because I was like you you're supposed to get new glasses every so and so whatever. Right? And you know, it seems like these aren't doing anything. And the optometrist that I went to at that time, she was hardcore. And she was like, "I don't know, I can't figure it out. I can't correct you. There's nothing I can do. I don't know what's going on." She called the Rhode Island Eye Institute right then and I was dilated, I was dilated... and I love it when people go out of their way and just go the next level, and she got me an appointment that day when I was dilated.
Thomas: Oh, wow.
Connor: So I literally just walked 20-30 minutes to the place and then was tested.
The result of her test at the Rhode Island Eye Institute was a diagnosis of a genetic condition that would mean that her vision would decline over time and that someday she would need to stop driving. A short time after Alicia received the diagnosis, a sudden opportunity came up to really change things up in her life. It involved a long drive. A long drive that would ultimately become her last drive.
Connor: I actually remember my last drive as like, like, an adventure, like it was fun. I was 19 and I just dropped out... A good friend of mine from that I knew since fourth grade was going to school in Western Massachusetts, and I was going to school in Providence, Rhode Island. But she asked me just before Thanksgiving that year if I would be interested in to move to San Francisco. And she was like, "Oh, by the way, I need to know in three days." So I was like, "Okay, I'm on it. I'm thinking, I'll get back to you." And I knew like when she says three days, then that means three days, it doesn't mean five. And I had mean some awesome connections in Providence, Rhode Island, but not enough to like ground me there. And there was enough challenging experiences that year to to not see like, like... a new chapter would be helpful at that time. And so I turned back and I told my friend after three days, "Yeah, let's do it!" So we set the date for January 1 we are going to leave the East Coast and start driving toward San Francisco. And what's interesting is around that time period, it was just that year, I had been diagnosed with hypoplasia of the optic nerve at the Rhode Island Eye Institute. And it was interesting that… it was… it was that year, right? Like I was diagnosed with this vision loss condition that was genetic, and told, like, I'm not gonna be able to drive someday but I didn't know when that was. And I could see well then and I could drive then and so it wasn't a problem at that moment, but it was an imminent problem.
I'm not going to be able to drive someday. That's a huge thing. Most of us expect to stop driving in our 80's, not some significant time before that. As I listened to Alicia's story, I began to wonder if this drive, this last drive, was a kind of rite of passage.
Connor: It just kind of is interesting, in hindsight, but looking back at the story that my life... that it was that year that I actually like, was there any thought on like my visual loss in like what I was going to do? Like, I have no idea maybe the subconscious was like, you gotta just do this because of the I don't know, who knows. We don't know what Alicia's spirit was thinking then, but I was decisive, which is really cool. And so yeah, so what was interesting was I was the one that rented the extension van, you know, not like a regular van, but like an extension van that could, like we could store both of our stuff in there. And I was literally taking everything I owned and she wasn't taking everything she owned because she had parents that could store stuff for her. And so that was also an interesting detail. Like, this is all of my stuff. So I picked up the truck in Providence, Rhode Island, and then I drove to Boston, by myself, picked her up, and then we went to like, New Year's Eve party. And then the morning of, we hit the road. And we took… because she… my friend had a couple friends she wanted to visit along the way. So we took, like this really weird route.
They went to Memphis and hung out with Elvis's stuff in Graceland, through Kansas and Colorado, switching off driving the whole time. And then they got to Utah.
Connor: ...and when I was driving in Utah I just started crying. And when I was like packing and everything in Rhode Island and I like had to you know give notice in my apartment, I had to give notice my job, I had to drop out of school...
Thomas: Wow, so much!
Connor: Yeah, and like get rid of stuff and, "Okay, do I really want this?" I get rid of all these things. And I had to get my cat, the cat that I grew up with, I had when I was in Providence for like, I don't know, three quarters of the time, and I had to give that cat to my mom and... there was just a couple details. Basically, I didn't figure out that I had done something really big and like I was in huge transition, right, until I got to Utah. There was a delayed response and this is, you know, this was kind of common for me in terms of emotions. I'm more of an observer, or was more of an observer as a kid and a younger adult, or... in terms of my younger years. And so it made sense that it I was like, all of a sudden, like, "Oh, my gosh!" And so my friend was like, "You got to pull over." And it happened to be in this part of the highway where it's not ideal to pull over, but she was like, "Pull over. You have to like... we have no choice." So we pulled over and then we sat on the curb, and or like, whatever... it was, like a curb like section that we sat down. And I was like... [SOBBING SOUNDS] You know? And she was like, "What's up?" And it was just like, "Everything!" Right? There was no answer. It was like, like, I don't even know what I said. But I knew it was like everything. Yeah... the unknown. And I knew, like, I didn't have that much money, like, a couple hundred bucks. And then I knew I had like a check for like, $300 that was going to be sent to my temporary apartment from my work. And so it was just like, all of these... all of the uncertainty in everything just crashed. And so my friend was nice and comforting and everything. And then she took over driving. And it was just... It was actually, I think it was a relief that that happened before we actually got to San Francisco. Because I remember when we got to San Francisco, like we were on Haight Street, and we parked either after we moved all our stuff in my friend's sister's apartment. But I remember when I parked that van, that I was like, "This is maybe the last time I'm going to drive." Like I just had that feeling. I was like, "This is it, I'm gonna not drive. This is happening soon. And like me in the van... like that's it."
Thomas: Wow.
Connor: And I was just very conscious of it, not in like a stressful way, and I wasn't talking about it with my friend. It was just something I just knew that it would be better because I could drive then. I think it's better to make a decision when you know about something and be able to process it before you are forced to. Because I think... I mean, it's not possible all the time, but if you have like a suggestion of like, "Hey, maybe this is something you should look into", or whatever - it could be related to health, it could be anything, you know - preventing any sort of struggle, or any kind of like issue in the future is always a great strategy. And I was thinking randomly once in a while, like when I had my license, like I was like, "This is my last like driver's license."
Thomas: Hmmm. Wow.
Connor: So I did… I didn't think about it, but it didn't. It wasn't something that I was like freaked out about. And I think it was because I could see well then.
Thomas: Yeah. So you're sort of in like an empowered place within the realm.
Connor: Exactly. In control. And it's much easier to make, it's like if you're grounded and you're like, "Okay, this is the... it's on my side like this is my decision. Now." Instead of the external. Like say, some people experience vision loss, very dramatic, right? There's an event and so can be very stressful and that's because it happened very quickly. There was no preparation for it, and so that's a totally different situation and that is much more challenging.
[MUSIC]
I want to invite you to take a breath with me (breath) and invite you to appreciate yourself for being here to listen to Alicia's story. This is a story about the human body and illness and disability. These are words that can make us unconsciously close down, or turn away, or kind of leave. When I first began working in the disability community, I was taught that sometimes we don't rush with gusto toward these concepts because being differently abled or having a chronic illness, is a club that anyone can join at any time and that's really scary.
And bodies change and illness happens, and they make up some of the million transitions we go through in our lives. Each one, a journey. The transition from one experience of being in a body to the next experience of being in the same body (that's different now) is a journey. As choreographer Bill T Jones (who, by the way, is HIV positive and who lost his partner Arnie Zane to AIDS) as he says, "My body is a spiritual experience that's constantly growing and changing."
[MUSIC]
Connor: I think... I think transitions are really interesting and I tend... I've had a couple of experience where I'm kind of like the all... it's not like the all or nothing ,but like deal with everything all at once. Like when I broke up with long-term relationship. It felt... I was like, going through a lot. My father passed away around the same time and it was just like this thing. It was kind of like... it was a similar, a very similar experience of when I was given this opportunity like, "Hey, Alicia, do you want to move to San Francisco? I need to know in three days," I was given this opportunity and then I was forced to assess my life. And my father's death was that opportunity to assess my life and how I was living it. Because when somebody passes away the reflection on what... how life is going with the person could me is a common experience. And here I was forced to look at my life because my father passed away... And it was a good thing, he was a Vietnam vet, an alcoholic, and it was time for him to go. He had enough time on this world and I'm sure he's rocking it in his next life. And so it was like relieving and everything, but it's still like death and grieving. And I think the main thing about transitions is like seeking out the support you need and talking about it with others. And sometimes we might not want to talk about it and that might be a great time to journal, just to get it out.
Thomas: Mm hmm, yeah.
Connor: Letting yourself go through the transition and feel the feelings. Because sometimes transition can produce or increase anxiety, but that's the unknown. And the fear of unknown, and things usually work out. We have a choice, like... like go the the fearful, anxiety-ridden, intense route and just kind of be a monster or... and not approachable. Or we could, you know, go through life and experience it, because there's a lot to experience and enjoy much more to experience and enjoy the struggles.
Thomas: Wow. Well, thank you, thank you so much for telling, telling me the story, telling us the story, and the insights that you have into it. And I just think it was so brave of you to just... to just take that risk and do that move. And I feel like it's very in line with the spirit of you that I know. You're very bold, and you're very brave. You're strong.
Connor: Thank you. Thank you so much, Colleen.
Letting ourselves go through the transition and feel the feelings. Seeking out the support we need by talking about it with others. These are the reasons I love Alicia. She's so keyed in to the essence of being human, of being vulnerable, and being bold at the same time. Life surprised Alicia with a big change and she took action to own that change, to flow with it on her own terms. In a way, the cross-country drive was part of how she marked the transition, how she reinvented herself at a time when the universe had thrown her a curveball. I hope Alicia's story and spirit inspire you to do something bold today, something maybe you're not even sure you can do.
Alicia Connor is a Registered Dietitian Nutritionist and Chef in San Francisco. She is the creator of "Quick & Delish by Alicia Connor," a meal planning and cooking series on YouTube that brings wellness to people by helping them create meals that are quick, delicious, and nutritious. Learn more about her work at https://www.aliciaconnor.com.
Our music is by Terry Hughes. You can follow us on IG and Twitter at shamepinata. You can reach us through the contact page at our website, shamepinata.com. And you can subscribe to the podcast on Radio Public, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or your favorite player. We'll be back in February with Season 3. I’m Colleen Thomas. Thanks for listening.