Credit Annie Spratt
Being a woman in this world brings challenges. Susan wanted to prepare her daughter Nikole for those challenges in the best way possible. So she invited several of her closest friends to a non-religious ceremony and asked them to present Nikole with some of the things that had supported them in their own lives.
Music by Terry Hughes
Notes:
Susan Burgess-Lent
Susan's Book: Trouble Ahead: Dangerous Missions with Desperate People
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Full Transcript
Burgess-Lent: I think that's the key is you have to decide, "Okay, this is a milestone." And we can do it fast and furiously. We can plan it out. But either way, the marking of the experience is what counts and the community that forms around that discovery, that realization, is really valuable, especially for women.
In her book "Circle of Stones", author Judith Duerk asks, "How might your life have been different if there had been a place for you to go to be with your mother, with your sisters and aunts, with your grandmothers, and the great- and great-great-grandmothers, a place of women to go, to be, to return to, as a woman. How might your life have been different?"
This is Shame Piñata. I’m Colleen Thomas. Welcome, welcome to the second season of Shame Piñata, where we talk about creating rites of passage for real-life transitions.
I am so glad you've come back to join us for season 2, and if you're new to the show, welcome! I'm especially happy to have you here today because this season we will begin to branch out and talk about rites of passage people have created for events beyond weddings. Weddings are amazing, don't get me wrong, but there are many more life transitions that we can honor with ceremony.
We're going to start off today with the life transition that probably comes most readily to mind when I say the words rites of passage. Today we will meet Susan Burgess-Lent and her daughter Nikole Lent. Susan and NiKole will tell us about their welcome to womanhood ceremony, the one that Susan created when Nikole turned 16. The setting for the ceremony was their home to which Susan invited her closest women friends to bring a symbolic gift to honor her daughter. The ceremony was 17 years ago, but you can hear how it is still an important part of their lives today.
Thomas: Susan, I wanted to start with you and ask you what inspired you to create the Welcome to Womanhood ceremony for Nikole.
Burgess-Lent: It was a process. I think I was discovering what it meant to be a woman more profoundly at the time than I had before. And when we had Nikole, I decided that my purpose was to raise a competent and compassionate human being. And I realized that at the same time, she'd also be kind of a captive of her gender. There were bad things that would happen because that's what happens to women. And much to my grief, I couldn't prevent them. And so, you know, this was an initiation into another level of the sisterhood. You know, my generation dealt with a lot more... we were more thoroughly indoctrinated into deference. I didn't want that passed on to my daughter. So, you know, and I think also her struggle during her early teen years exhausted both of us. And I wanted to celebrate the end of that, as well as this new phase that she'd come into that seemed somehow more grounded.
Thomas: Wow. And what background did you have with ritual at that time, Susan?
Burgess-Lent: Not a lot beyond, you know, the usual holiday things and birthday celebrations that... the normal ones that we have. But I also felt that some kind of maybe subconscious need to translate the more religiously oriented rituals that I had grown up with into something that was secular and to the point of providing Nikole with some real tools.
Thomas: And can you put into words the kind of tools you wanted to provide her with?
Burgess-Lent: I think that it was that first of all, that there were a whole lot of women out there who come before her, who knew the path had suffered many of them, some of the things that would happen to her and got through it and figured out what to do next. Plus their gifts were... were sort of iconic, you know things to carry, things to wear, things to listen to, that had provided some support for them in their lives. And I I feel like the ceremony had as much impact on them, as it might have had on Nikole.
I asked Susan and Nikole to take a step back for a moment and describe what happened in the ceremony.
Burgess-Lent: Nikole, do you want to do that, or should I?
Lent: You can go ahead.
Burgess-Lent: Well, okay. I had invited my women friends. I had a circle of about 10 women or so. And I told them that I wanted them to share with Nikole, the wisdom that they had acquired over the years being a woman. And that if they wanted to bring some gift, it would be in the form of something that was symbolic. And they could read a poem, or they could play some music, or they could dance or they could have an object, it didn't matter. I left it up to them.
Thomas: And what were some of the gifts that showed up?
Lent: I can speak to that, because I still have many of them. [LAUGHS] One was this gorgeous woven, very intricately woven, basket that our friend had made by hand. And I've used it for so many things over the years and it's held strong for... yeah, pretty much like 15-17 years at this at this point.
Susan: Yeah.
Lent: And it's like a... it's just a gorgeous bag that I've used for produce when I'm at the farmers market and carrying important... I've like kept precious items in it. And it was... it's just sturdy and very... Like it... it looks like she had spent hours on it. But I think she was, you know, adept in these weaving skills. So maybe it was... it was very thoughtful. And another friend gave me Joni Mitchell's album "Blue" which I love and I've listened to like in times of heartbreak and in times of you know, just the... she's... She wrote a card that said something like, "These songs are tattoos on my soul and have been with me for like, you know, profound moments in my life. And I hope that they can be there for you the way that they worked for me." And I listened... that album was like... it was like a friend to lean on. And then another friend made this beautiful... she's a mosaic tile and glass artist and she made this... a mirror that was like specifically crafted and tailored towards like a young, kind of like angsty teenager artsy vibe. [LAUGHS]. But that I loved and that I had in my room. And I forget which... Another friend had made... she did a painting of like, it was an image of a woman that was kind of in transition that I had in my room for a long time. And there was also the crown... I wore a crown, like, it was like kind of a bramble and with flowers, you know, while I was in the middle of this ceremony, and that... It just felt like an honor to be celebrated and cherished, and that was a symbol of that. Those are some of the gifts that I can think of there... I am sure there's more but, you know, it's been some time. But a lot of good stuff. A lot of precious, thoughtful, deliberate offerings.
Thomas: Wow, that sounds amazing. It sounds like the people who showed up really had prepared and were really fully present with you.
Lent: Yeah, everyone seemed to take it very seriously. And it... you know, it was light and we had we had... we enjoyed ourselves and we had, you know, some... a nice breakfast and... But yeah, everyone... like it was like the experience of transition into womanhood was something that everyone present took very seriously.
Thomas: Was it something that you talked with your friends about afterward?
Lent: I did. And I was the only person that I knew that had had something like that aside from, you know, friends that had ceremonies related to religion or cultural background, be it a bar mitzvah, bat mitzvah, quinceañera or things of that nature. But as far as like a non-religious based rite of passage ceremony, I was the only person that I knew that had experienced such a thing. So my friends are really curious and excited and intrigued by that.
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[Music]
Thomas: We spoke a little bit about this before, but I'm curious if you can say more about how... well the broad question is how did the ritual change you, but specifically, I'm curious how, how it changed your relationship with ritual, if at all?
Lent: I think just the importance and significance of getting women friends together for me personally is really profound. And at one point, I was in a fashion collective and we... One day, I was just like, you know, "It'd be really... I'd love to just go somewhere where I could scream and not be heard. That would be nice. Do you guys want to go to the top of a mountain and just scream if you need to and..." We had other like sage burnings and four directions... just release ceremonies or spreading ashes of friends that had passed. These things became a regular activity in my life. And I think that... having... ritual being a thing that was important to me in my teenage years, like, carried on into my adult years and still is important to me.
Thomas: Same question to you, Susan. How did your relationship with ritual change, if at all, after the ceremony?
Burgess-Lent: Well, I took it very seriously that this sort of thing ought to be incorporated in many more ways in our lives. I spent a lot of time in Africa and I know that the sense about rituals of all kinds was a really important part of lives. And it was both a pause and a reset that said, okay, we have something to celebrate, to grieve, to whatever it was... There was a whole way of doing it that honored the community, not just women but men and women together. And I felt that rituals that women can have in particular around major events. Certainly a birth... welcoming... you know, the transition to womanhood, motherhood, menopause, all of those things. We have some ceremonies, and I'm not sure that I qualify a baby shower as a ceremony, but it sort of is. And these are major points of change in a woman's life and gathering more women together just makes it better.
Thomas: [LAUGHS] Yeah. I'm curious, Susan, from your perspective, did the ceremony 17 years ago changed Nikole in any way?
Burgess-Lent: Oh, I'm sure it had an impact. I think the thing that I noticed right away is that she seemed to begin to take herself more seriously as a woman. And I felt that, you know, she's become, partly because of the support around the issue of being a good human being, she's become a really extraordinary individual who is in intelligent, beautiful and fierce - in particular about what she thinks is fair and right. And all those things are honored when you say, "these are the values that matter in the world... in our world, in our women's lives." And taking yourself seriously on that is real big deal.
Thomas: Is that something you were aware of, Nikole?
Lent: I think it, it felt nice to be taken seriously, at that ritual. Like it felt like I was being taken seriously so it seems natural that I would shift into feeling in my power, having women acknowledge what a powerful, you know, moment of transition, this is for you... You don't get that... I wasn't getting that in school. [LAUGHS] I was getting a very different way, which is not always welcome. Having that acknowledged by, you know, elder women who I respected along with... accompanied by wisdom that was helpful... definitely was encouraging to step into my power, I would say.
Thomas: That's wonderful. And that's a such an intense time, such a potent time to be given... shown that mirror and welcome to stepping into our own power. So what advice would you both have for somebody who is considering maybe doing this for their child, a coming of age sort of ceremony?
Burgess-Lent: Well, I would say that you have to start wherever it is you are. You know, you... you don't have to be elaborate. You just have to be honest and creative. Do what works for you. And really, there's wonderful research all over the place about, you know, customs for women. Some of them aren't so good but the ones that are have, you know, objects and scents and foods, and you can integrate a whole lot of things in this. I think we did have cake, [LAUGHS] and some others. But I can't recall now. It's all it's a total sensory, if you want it to be.
Thomas: How about you, Nikole, any thoughts on advice for someone considering creating one?
Lent: Yeah, I would say, I was thinking along the same lines of just making sure you meet your child where they're at. Like, you know, tailoring it specifically to who they are like it... you have to get to know get to know what your, what your child is into, and what things might appeal to them and, and that will kind of guide you in how to arrange something like this so that it's not, like a scary, terrifying... it's an inviting thing to be a part of. Like, I was I felt comfortable and like it was like something to look forward to and something I was excited to participate in. And I think it was important, like, you know, we talked about maybe, wouldn't it be nice if we had some of my friends my age there. But I think for me, the powerful element in it was that I was being welcomed to womanhood by elders. And that was a unique experience for me that stands out is just having women that have lived it that can share about it and and have fun with it. Like it should be a fun thing. [LAUGHS]
Burgess-Lent: Yeah, most of all should be fun. Yeah, I do remember that little crown it was it was grapevines intertwined with flowers, as I recall, and you looked so cute in it.
Lent: But on a final note... that it's... I just want to emphasize how important I feel that rituals and ceremonies marking rites of passage are in this day and age. I feel like it's becoming even more important with just like how time moves more quickly and rapidly with technology especially having just those moments where you celebrate and honor like, wow, this is a major pivotal life thing. And it's gonna go by really quick. And let's take a moment to just honor this together. I think that's really important.
Thomas: I do too. I think you said it very well. Thank you for saying that. [LAUGHS]
Lent: Yeah.
Burgess-Lent: Thanks for inviting us to re... re visit the time and the thoughts that went with it.
If there is a young person in your life who is approaching a coming of age milestone, there are so many resources that can support you in creating a religious or non-religious ceremony to mark that transition. I hope that Susan and Nikole's story has widened your ideas about what that could look like. And if listening to this story brought up any sadness about missing an opportunity to celebrate coming of age for yourself or someone else, know that ritual transcends space and time and it's 100% possible to create retroactive rituals. We'll talk more about those this season too.
Susan Burgess-Lent is a veteran international aid worker, warrior for women’s rights, author, mentor, and public speaker. She is Founder and Executive Director of Women’s Center’s International, an Oakland-based non-profit that creates safe resource centers for women affected by conflict and poverty.
Nikole Lent is studying to become a trauma-informed substance abuse counselor. Pre-pandemic, Nikole worked as a Chef for musicians and events. Nikole is passionate about dance, comedy and performance art.
Our music is by Terry Hughes. Be sure to subscribe on your favorite podcast player to make sure you're notified when new episodes are released. Learn more at shamepinata.com. I’m Colleen Thomas. Thanks for listening.