Episode Summary
What do we do when the unthinkable happens and we lose someone we love? How do we create space for our heart, our pain, and our love which is now expressed as an overwhelming grief? How do we do that while simultaneously putting one foot in front of the other each day?
Episode Resources
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About the Show
Shame Piñata is hosted by Ritual Artist Colleen Thomas, a Certified Meditation and Mindfulness teacher who helps people make sense of life through ceremony. Music by Terry Hughes.
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Full Transcript
What do we do when the unthinkable happens and we lose someone we love? How do we create space for our heart, our pain and our love which is now expressed as an overwhelming grief? How do we do that while simultaneously putting one foot in front of the other each day?
This is Shame Piñata. I’m Colleen Thomas. Welcome to Shame Piñata, where we talk about creating rites of passage for real-life transitions. You know how when you go through a really big transition, the world seems different? Like you’re still you but everything around you has changed and the pieces don’t fit together anymore? Well, I’m coming to you from one of those times right now. My mom recently passed away and life is different.
Today’s show isn’t going to be a regular episode of Shame Piñata because my heart is needing space and time right now. We will bring you a regular episode of Shame Piñata soon, and I'm really excited that we will be speaking with Megan Sheldon, creator of the world's first ceremony creation platform, an app called Seeking Ceremony. It gives you the ritual tools you need to create your own ceremony. Please check it out in the App or Google Play store and join us again next time to hear how it was created.
MUSIC
So my mom passed away a month ago. We spent a week coordinating and holding the funeral and the burial and dealing with those immediate sorts of things and then I spent two weeks sitting on the porch watching the clouds. I need more time with the clouds, more time with my memories, and more time with the shifting sands of being the only remaining member of my family on the planet.
But I wanted to reach out to you, to tell you we're still here, and share a little bit about the daily rituals that are helping me make sense of this transition. So consider this an honest reporting from the early days of big personal loss.
Some of the rituals that are helping get by are tending with great care to the emotions that arise, however irrational or unrelated to the loss they might seem. I know that on the journey of losing someone who cared for me at an early age, feelings may come up that are from earlier days, or that don't make sense, or that are from my unconscious mind. So that's number one, being tender, open, and attentive. I suppose that's more of a state of being than a ritual but it informs how I'm living my life and structuring my time right now.
Another thing that's helping is inviting my community to sit with me for maybe a half hour at a time one on one to let me talk about my mom and the experience of losing her. Basically each conversation revolves around the question: What is today feeling like? This was actually an offshoot of having so many amazing friends come at me the week she died asking, "What can I do?". I was in no fit state to speak with anyone those first few days but I knew their support and presence would be invaluable later on in that oh so quiet period after the funeral is over and everyone else has gone back to their regular life. So one day on a whim, I created a spreadsheet and asked them to sign up for a time to have a phone call over the next few months. This actually turned out to be a really lovely act of self-care. It's given me constant support, taken the pressure off of my husband to be my sole shoulder to cry on, created space to reflect deeply on how this change is affecting me day to day, and given me a built-in schedule of connection with some incredible people, some of whom I'm just starting to get to know.
On the practical side, I have two rocks that I hold every day. Holding one in each hand allows their energies to meet in my heart. One of them is from the land where my mom was buried. They connect me to that land where my heart is also buried. I have a journal or two. I have a favorite necklace of my mom's that I wear everyday and I have a daily meditation practice at a dedicated altar/workstation (because there are still many death-related tasks to do so a workstation seemed very important).
I also found a way to make a small space serve two functions. When I am meeting with my friends, I sit in the studio in front of the computer with my warm table lamps on either side. When I need to have business calls, I sit in the same space, but use the overhead light alone. This makes the space feel much more businesslike and less cozy. It in effect makes it a different space which is what I need it to be. Different states of being. Different aspects of going on after the death of a loved one.
If you heard last month's bonus episode where I spoke with Catherine Monahon on the Material Feels podcast about everyday rituals, you heard me mention my "I know what to do" ring. This was a ring that I had purchased on a whim last year while my mother was recovering from a health crisis. At the time, I had seen someone wearing a lot of rings who seemed very confident and decided (very rationally) I just needed a great ring, that would help me know what to do! That would help me handle that difficult situation! This ring is the final piece I bring in when it's time to do business or insurance paperwork, sitting under that overhead light. Simply put, it puts me in the role of the one who knows what to do.
So this is a bit of my honest reporting from the early days of a pretty major loss. In the future, as the time feels right, I'll share more about my process and what I'm learning from it. If you are in transition right now, healing from the loss of someone you care deeply about, whether that be a recent or ongoing, please know that you are not alone. Please reach out and ask for exactly what you need. Please don't be shy or feel that you will be a burden. Friends are essential, family is essential, professional grief support is essential - and you are allowed to have all of these things.
If things are really dark, or you feel unsure about how to put one foot in front of the other, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Seriously. 800-273-8255. You can call them, and in these modern times, you can actually also chat with them. I'll put the link in the show notes. Seriously consider reaching out if you feel this way. There are amazing people on the other end of the line and it's okay to just to reach out to say you feel like crap.
However you feel, do whatever you need to make space for your heart and your grief. Thank you for joining me today and we'll see you next time.
Our music is by Terry Hughes. You can follow us on IG and Twitter at shamepinata. You can reach us through the contact page at our website, shamepinata.com. And you can subscribe to the podcast on Radio Public, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or your favorite player. I’m Colleen Thomas. Thanks for listening.